Fat Busters

A sofa advert has been on TV so much it is driving me loopy, the song by Nickelback is great, but one line had me flumoxed:-

"I want to buy a new house on an ??????? of ????? and a bathroom I can play baseball in"

Asked people at work and one guessed it said an episode of green (Meaning when you look out of the window there are fields) one thought Hollywood Hills.

Googled it and it`s an episode of Cribs, there`s a clip on youtube, apparently a send up comedy, shows Mohahmad showing a film crew around his house, his mother can be heard in the background shouting in her own language not to let anyone sit on the sofa, then she throws a slipper at him, he replies in arabic that she is showing him up, thousands of people will see him being hit by a slipper on TV, she then throws the other one and he stands there with a gormless smile. Worth a look. The houses are something also.

Another advert comes on, showing some muscle bound young man on a boat, shirt flapping around his 6 pack, D comments.

D "Well, that`s nowt, I`ve got a 40 pack."

G passes through on the way to the oven, observes D eating a bacon sandwich

G "Seeing to yourself again I see?"
D " You never make me anything so why should I.."
G "Yeah, Yeah, we know...Fat Controller."
D "And don`t you forget it!!!"

G grills bacon.

D "You haven`t put tin foil on it first."
G "I don`t want my food swimming in fat, so mind your own business."
D "It`s not you that has to clean the grill."
G "And it`s not you either, Mam does it."

The two of them put together wouldn`t make a good un.

Talking about fat, I was on Shields Road the other day and an advert in a shop window read Get your Fat Buster Tablets here. Then we can all go to the greasy spoons nearby and eat a beefburger. Apparently there`s a Fat Map now, which charts levels of obesity, we are the junk food generation, and Northumberland is the top of the league.

D and I were in another shop nearby, the assistant asked him

Asst. "Would you like a small bag?"
D "No thanks." (Looks at me) "I`ve already got one.")

It`s plain to see where G gets the cheek from.

Then we go looking for a small table for my Father in law, one of those wine style ones for him to keep a cup on. There are lots of similar styles, but D is nit picking over them, too big, too low etc, so we come away with nothing. Pa in law is happy downstairs in the care home, there are more visitors who all gather together and chat about this and that, we play his music and his feet tap to Seigfried Line and We`ll meet again. The residents all seem to be going somewhere, but they don`t know where. So sad to hear them asking when their parents are coming to take them home. We know when one old fella has been on the rounds, D`s Dad is usually sitting in his chair slipperless, then you spy the old man shuffling up the corridor with his cap and jacket on with about 5 pairs under his arm. B thinks he`s in a social club when everone assembles for lunch, goes around asking what they`d like to drink.


The postman arrives at the door with a pizza shaped box, it`s for G, D wonders what it is, but he has as much chance of finding out, as G takes it straight to his room.
The empty box is left and paper scattered around, I must remember the saying, Live long enough to be a problem to your children!!!

Later in the day, I gather up three pairs of shoes belonging to G and chuck them on the floor in his room, I spy a black rubber shape on the drawers. When I pick it up, it`s a Batman Mask $20. As G is out,has gone into toon to watch the Arsenal v Newcastle game. I can`t resist putting it on, D is downstairs quaffing cider and spits it out on my arrival as the masked crusader, minus the cape. We have a good laugh. He tries it on and we take photos of eachother in daft poses.

D "What does he want that for, and look what he`s paid for it!!! He`s mental."

My thoughts flip to caravan and boat, The caravan has never been anywhere and the boat rarely visited, I say nothing, kettle and pot as usual.

Watched The Naked Pilgrim hosted by Brian Sewell

B "I`ve got fresco neck, I have to take the back of my head and push it forwards." (Poor, poor, poor)
"This is a man`s job." (as he grapples for ages to take the cork out of a bottle)
He becomes "Very angry indeed" to be shown to a tourist attraction inside an old vaulted building where upside down horseshoes are carved into the stone, he`s appalled and suspects that locals have done this in an attempt to bring tourists "It`s comparitively recent graffitti hoping to attract idiot pilgrims like me. (You said it) Describes Lourdes as "Teeming with sick people and their carers, a cross between a hospital and a theme park. he is dismayed at the tacky shops selling St. Bernadette knickers, umbrellas, statues and plates. Moans at the tapestries " Just like the upholstery on Air Lingus."


But he does redeem himself at the end, after slating off the comercialism of Lourdes he speaks to a couple of women from Hartlepool who purely take the good out of the whole experience and their faith keeps them without malice. Then he observes the procession of the sick and dying past his hotel room and sheds a tear. Maybe he does just say things for a response, and there could be a soul inside there after all?

cat vs bull terrier you tube

Divn`t show is up

Finger Lickin` Good

Husband D is driving me to work, someone cuts him up, the usual fuck wit comments, wanker signals and spitting all over me as he does this. As he gets back on a par with the driver, he shouts "It`s a woman!!!" I ask why he never shouts "It`s a man" when they make mistakes, blank look. Chauvinism lives.

On the way back home after the shift, i jump the bus, an old woman sits down beside me, the smell of moth balls takes my breath away, didn`t know that people still use the things. Back in the fifties everyone suffered from a wang of eau de moth ball, come to think of it, haven`t seen many moths around lately, we are plagued by spiders, they are so big we can see the hairs on their legs. Our bull terrier used to eat them if he saw one scuttling over the laminate floor.

Amused to see a photo in one of the papers showing a burglar hanging upside down from a window, his foot had become caught and he hung there for an hour, good. I like to imagine what I would have done if I`d just got home and he was dangling in my house. "Oops, sorry, I`ve just broken your frigging leg as I was helping you down...oh no..now I`ve broken the other one, silly me." I wonder if he has back issues of Hang Glider monthly.

I also found a website on Stumble, alternative cards, maybe I could have sent the burglar a get well card

"I know your not feeling well, just try to see it as a rehearsal for death."

"I hope you get well soon, funerals depress the life out of me."

There`s currently a craze for songs which have a line which sounds like something else:-

Abba- Chikkitita tell me what`s wrong...
(Kick your teeth in tell me what`s wrong)

Phil Collins- She seems to have that invisible touch yeah
(She seems to have an invisible todger)

Attended the book launch of Christopher Brookmyre (A Snowball in Hell) What an excellent, hilarious talk. He apologised before starting that lots of strong language would be used, he has received letters from readers who accuse him of trying to look hard or cool, but he explained that the characters he writes about wouldn`t say "Bloody", if anyone wanted to leave before this began, he would understand. An editor noticed that one of his drafts contained 40 fucks, and suggested that he cut it to 15, Christopher couldn`t imagine which moron would say "You`ve got 16 fucks, you need to cut one out. Then maybe if an author hadn`t any swear words in his book, could he trade for some of his fucks, but if anyuone asked C for one of his fucks, he would say, no, sorry, I`m saving them up for a cunt.

There were no early leavers until C spoke of his grand surroundings for this launch at the Laing Art Gallery, usually he goes to book shops, one place he went to needed a code to get into the toilet, it was to prevent vandalism. Someone had left a warm chicken on the bench in there, apparently used it for sex. C said "Can they not cook, why don`t they do this in their own homes, maybe they just saw the chicken and needed it immediately, sort of gives a new meaning to boning a chicken." At this point a lone male got up and walked out. Maybe he found this distasteful. I couldn`t help but notice that it was the person who had attended a previous book launch where his wife told him off because he claimed the free raffle prize of a selection of books and he didn`t even have that number ticket!!!! So, better to be a thief than to listen to a dirty story???? Dishonest bugger, now that`s what I call distasteful.


I bought one of C`s books, Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks, it`s described as containing "Bad language, scatalogical humour, razor wit, convoluted plot with high readability" That`ll do for me. The talk was well attended and most people bought a book or three.

The Bridges over the Tyne

Times Gone By

Watched Who do you think you are, episode on Boris Johnson, and was prepared to have my thoughts that he is a plonker confirmed. His grandfather changed the surname from Kemal to Johnson. Phrases uttered during the programme included "It became symetrically necessary to demonise." "It`s punchy, it`s polemical" and "Wowee" His granny had always insisted that the family were decendants from royalty, Boris commented "Granny was right, we were wrong to sneer." Photos of a young Boris on a horse confirmed that he isn`t just wearing his hair tatty to appear eccentric, he`s always had it in that style, and his father sports the nutty professor coiffure too. By the end of the show, I quite liked good old Boris.

Went to Beamish for the day, it`s much improved, more trams and buses, they now have a masonic lodge and a Barclays Bank. I bought a ceramic ink well, need it for sod all, but it just brought back memories of school. Also a book,Whey Aye Man, It lists the usual translations for the Geordie dialect:-

"When a gor in last nite, a hoyed up on the nettie."
(I had too much alcohol last evening and consequently I was a little sick in the toilet.)

"Aave gor a gammy leg, ye knaa, so a cannit lowp aboot!"
(I will struggle to jump over that hurdle because I am a little lame.)

"Divvent let ya dog pittle on me grass!"
(Your Labrador has urinated on my garden, please do not let it happen again, thank you.)

There are old fashioned drawings, Little Jack Horner exclaims "Hev yee pinched aal the plums like?" Humpty Dumpty is lying broken, the soldiers are gathered around him holding pieces of egg...."A divvent knaa where this gans" "Gis it here man! Aa`ll dee it"...."Dee yee knaa wot he was deein?"...""Messin aboot on the waal so a hord like."

Loved the old songs in the book, Cushy Butterfield, Keep yer feet still Geordie Hinny and The Blaydon Races:-

I went to Blaydon Races
`Twas on the ninth of June
Eighteen hundred and sixty two
On a summer`s afternoon
I took the bus from Balmbra`s
And she was heavy laden
Away we went along Collingwood Street
To see the race at Blaydon.

A friend of mine IW, recently found some old photos of the street parties in 1962 in South Benwell for the celebrations of the centenary of the Blaydon Races, lots of familiar faces from the past. She also had a collection of Victory Tea party snaps from 1945, she loaned me them to scan for the archive at Benwell library.


It`s a well known fact that many Geordie`s finish off a sentence with the word "like". Sheryl on X Factor drives me mad, each performer who walks in "O yi Alreet like?" Don`t get me wrong I love our dialect and encourage it`s use, but it wears a bit thin when the same phrase is repeated so often, "Change the record Sheryl, yar a luvly lass utherwise pet."

There are old pit style houses at Beamish, colliery, farmhouse, geese, chickens and such. The old town pub, The Sun is now open for quaffing, but it`s tiny, reminds me of the Cumberland Arms. We ate shepherd`s pie and mushy peas in the old Co-op restaurant, there were old plants, water boilers and windows with the sash openings. The weather was lovely and families sat on the grass around the bandstand. The staff roamed around wearing Victorian dress. Kids tried to use the metal hoops in the school yard.

We called in on friends who live near the Bowes incline, M was cutting the grass on his bogey style lawn mower, needless to say D wanted a turn on it. M had spent most of his time mowing in a finely tuned circle, and D did curly Q`s over it, M too polite to say. S shouted us across for a cup of tea, so not too much damage done.

M "What di thi caal them things that run in front of ya car?"
D "Pheasants?"
M "Aye, a nearly knocked one down."
Y (Noticing his dog Jake snapping his teeth, arching his back and lurching along the grass) "What`s up with Jake?"
M "He`s gettin` randy, when I first saw him like that, I thought he was havin` a stroke."
S "Suppose he is, sort of."
M " Come and have a look at our new conservatwat."
D " It`s lovely, you get all the sunlight on this side of the house."

We sample some of S`s home made chocolate cake and talk about old times, nowt like it.

Gaffs

Must apologize for a glaring gaff made in my last post. I had keyed into Google, Photos of Brian Sewell, these I received together with photos taken by another Brian Sewell (Excellent, worth checking out) What a relief to know that Mr.Snotty Sewell is as we all suspected,only capable of ripping to bits the talented. But some good comes from every mistake, I received a message from fat frumpy and fifty blogger, who was surprised that "pompous" Brian had it in him, happily it turned out that he didn`t on further checking on my part. Her blog has fabulous photos and a great vintage company is advertised and run by her. She is living in Cumbria, small world, my Gt Grandfather on my mothers side came from Wigton, and many others from Stanwix and Carlisle.

Two old pals called around this morning. A bit of planning wouldn`t have gone amiss, but, as usual, the night before, I`m either on the computer, reading, ripping up old crap or moving things in the cupboard from one place to the other trying to give the illusion of "More space". Even if I had decided on the clothes I will be wearing for the next day, knowing my fat record, trying things on I like but don`t like me, fat cow.

But no..... sitting with a glass of wine, yeah, yeah, it`ll be ok, I`ll get up early and make a start, they`re not arriving until 10.00am, plenty time, the house is like shitsville, no matter, Mrs. Superefficient will be on top form? Rab C Nesbitt is on and I can`t bring myself to go to bed until it`s finished around 11.40. So, consequently I`m knackered at 7.30 the next day. Start by stuffing anything and everything into cupboards, which I know that sometime next week, I`ll be looking for said objects. I put lamb and onions in the creuset pan in the oven, the vegetables are peeled, swiff over the floor and I`m sitting on the computer as if that was all I`d been doing all morning, sweating like a pig is the dead giveaway.

However in control I appear to be I burn the carrots. Son G is on a day off and swans through

G " Burnt the carrots again?"

I had cooked dinner on Monday and burnt them, but thanks for the reminder. And luckily friends have brought strawberries and fresh cream, just as well as all I had in was yoghurt.

It`s pissed down all day, D is on a days leave tomorrow, we had planned to go to the boat, but we hear on the radio that the A69 is flooded, so maybe a trip to the tip with more crap, something exciting like that? Not.

Pals give me a lift to Gosforth Library where I meet friends S and K. Henry Charlton is promoting his book Travels in a Bygone Age, He came well prepared, with photos from his travels in Rhodesia, Bombay and Canada, he is saddened by the change of governments, recalls his work as a structural engineer. One account of a near death experience where a gun was held to his temple, poisonous snakes etc. Suddenly my burnt carrots pale into insignificance.

D and I get back home and there is a message from his father`s nursing home, what has he been up to we wonder. Last message we received he had smuggled a knife into his trouser pocket after lunch, used it to loosen the screws on the door to the corridor, escaped downstairs, then took the screws off the fire escape door, he was on his way out when the alarm bell sounded and they caught him. This was more serious, if that`s possible, he had been punched in the face by another resident.We must have him moved to the downstairs section, it appears more calmer there with more staff. The more I see of such places, it`s definitely going to be a cyanide pill from the internet for me.

Naked truth

Just got back from Benwell Library, been helping out listing old photos and maps. Called in to one of those cheap shops that sell everything from scourers to food to furnishings. In the toy section, a chain saw complete with pretend blood on the blade, yuk. But I did watch Hellboy last night on channel 5, excellent film, but some gory bits,the Nazi metal faced character who can flick blades from his arms was chopping down everyone in sight. Great line from Hellboy himself "I`m fireproof." New film out on 20th Aug, must go to see that.

Also worth watching was Queen and Paul Rodgers in concert, that Paul is still a sexy sod. I remember before we were married, D and I went to see him when he was with Free at Newcastle Guildhall, it was the early 70`s. By contrast Pompous Sewell (Catchphrase:- "It`s hideous.") is in a programme soon to be screened The Naked Pilgrim, a clip shows him, back view, showing off his skinny middle class arse, stepping into the sea. He once visited Newcastle and they took him to The Strawberry pub near the football ground, needless to say he found fault with most things here. Let`s hope that he keeps his strawberry well covered during the show, now that would be hideous. He`s actually a good photographer, check out sewellphotos.com/blog

Sewell did say that he was impressed by Geordie pride. It`s always commented upon, the Geordie hospitality and friendliness. But, my sister in law told me about a poor woman who collapsed during Bingo recently. The crowd became angry when the game was stopped for the ambulance crew to take her away. So, nowt`s changed from the good old knitting around the guillotine times.

My bulk mail has increased, probably due to the time I spend online. The usual replica handbags, watches and erectile pills adverts

A lad in a Micky Mouse suit was hauled away with his arms behind his back by police in Disneyland Los Angeles. His crime, protesting against the latest pay deal from Disney`s. Accomplices included Tinkerbell, Snow White and Cinderella. They are now in negotiations with the union.

Son G came in the backdoor and went straight up to his room without a by your leave, kiss my arse or even a commoner gardener hello. I assumed he was still up there and shouted G, the bird answered "Wo". G had pissed off out the front door.

D "He treats this house like a bloody hotel."

Bedding is changed again,so must warn D that G may be entertaining again, just in case he runs from the bathroom doing a Sewell.

Greedy Gets

IW "Where does D want to go tonight?"
y "IW wants to know where you want to go tonight."
D "Jarrow slacks."
Y "He said Jarrow Slacks."
IW "What!!! ask him if he wants to go to town."
Y "Do you want to go to town?"
D "Sgt Peppers?"
Y "We`ll just go local, see you at 7.30."

As we leave the house, G is cooking for girlfriend E. He is making a selection of stuffed things and a giant pizza.

Back from the pub at 11.30, D notices pizza on a tray. As there is no note saying that we can eat it, I leave well alone, D helps himself. 5 minutes later, G surfaces from his room.

G "You greedy sod, you`ve eaten all 6 pieces, right well I`m having one of your bottles of wine!!!" Then goes back to entertaining.

The next night D catches G sloping off with one of his bottles of beer.

D "Put that back."
G "You nicked my pizza, so I`m having this."
D "You`ve already taken a bottle of wine, Twat."

Kettle and pot.

The bird is still biting G, slyly and very gently holds his claw out as if he wants to sit on his hand, then holds on tightly while he bites. Chico has learned a whole new set of words. "Come on, come`ere....ow,ow....Hi NO...stop biting."

While picking up leaflets of interest, noticed a free magazine Mature Times, adverts include hearing aids, adjustable beds, you can win a one in a competition and insurance ads featuring Michael Parkinson. Bolton Council is issuing pensioners with cat bells to hang on their bags to ward off thieves. Yeah, like that`s going to work, they won`t be able to hear them for rap music on their ipods. Lots of advice on parkinson`s disease and other illnesses. But seriously, some very good advice on gardening, insurance and trips.

Was also approached with a free sample of pro age cream, while I`m anywhere for a little apple with freebies, I felt a bit afronted to be recognised as a wrinkly.

Another sign of ageing is having to get out of bed to go to the loo, at 4.00am, I return to bed after such a visit to find D is sprawled all over my side. Why didn`t you just climb onto his side? I hear you ask. Well I would, but his snoring pipe is laying a trail over there too. So I push him aside, he wakes up and says "I`m awake now, we might as well get up." There`s no way I`m joining him, so I sleep in until 9.00.

Enjoyed the book launch of The Great North Road by Annabel Dore`. An excellent talk on how she gets the inspiration to write, she imagines a door from her past, opens it and experiences the sights, sounds and smells of the past, good tip. She enquired of the audience if anyone else does this, and what things spark memories. An old lady said

"I remember that film about a stripper..she was a gypsy...but I can`t remember the name of it." Someone shouts out Gypsy Rosa Lee. There is singing and food, a really good afternoon.

Karen Joy Fowler was also at Gosforth Library promoting her new book, she is known for The Jane Austen Book Club which was recently made into a film. She informs us about a case on The Donner Party a group of people in America who were caught in a snow storm, they had passed mountains, and only had one more to go, they didn`t realise they were so close to their destination, so stayed put, but the weather got worse and they stayed the winter out, they eventually resorted to eating eachother. Her latest book The Case of the Imaginary Detective makes reference to this. Kind of gives a new meaning to Donner kebabs. I try to imagine the scenario if D and G were holed up together

"No,you lopped off a leg last time so I`m eating your arse."

Well, better go and make something to eat before the greedy gets come home.

It`s T- Raining Men

Read about a bloke called Sam Pyle (Ironic name) he won an award for the Hairiest Man (El Hairio)looks like a long pile carpet. Also Kevin Pietersen, the South African born cricketer has shaved off his astro turf badger style.


Got on the bus at 10.30am, a can of Carling rattling around under the seats, then at the Newcastle United football ground stop, a young lad got off snapping the ring pull on another.

Made it to Laboca Art Cafe, told B about the four hole salt sellars provided by Norwich Council to fish shops.

B " You pick on a granny with no salt on her salad and you`d get hit with her false teeth and slip on her curler!"
The conversation got around to husbands, and what we`d do if we didn`t have the ones we`ve got.

DK. "If I had another man I`d have to train him and it would take too long."
B "If you got a younger one, he could train you."
DK "He`d have to have his own teeth and hair."
B "How many men have you had with wigs?"
DK "He`d also have to be good at DIY and not fat, but really, I couldn`t be bothered with another man, even if he had gold bars hanging from his bollocks."
B "Have you seen Ann Foster`s painting of four fat blokes?"

We look at her catalogue, love the people dancing ones, full of movement and depth, but I`m not too impressed with the trees ones, a little flat and too expensive.

Y " And what about Judy Finnegan`s hairstyle, the raggy style just makes her look scraggy. He`s a bit childish, that Richard, she`s such an intelligent woman, I bet she cringes at some of the prattish comments he makes. He asked a woman guest "Really like the dress, is it Chinese silk?" answer "I don`t know."

B had been to the gym and proudly told us of his inverted nipple, he was admiring the nipple erection on the other one in the mirror.
B " If you wanted a breast implant, what style would you have."
Y "Not a Jordan, that`s for sure."
B " Nipples the size of your nostrils, high ones, low ones?"

Y "We`re happy with our fried eggs, we`ll have a top up of coffee,and try not to be slower than a laplanders travelling sledge."


It`s pissing down outside when we leave, no umbrella, and I have the cheek to comment on the raggy scraggy look.

India

Acid bath

Just discovered a brilliant site, Stumbleupon, information on anything and everything. Did you know that Norfolk council has distributed 200 salt shakers with less holes (4), at a cost of £450, to fish shops in their area in a bid to encourage folks to consume less salt. Rightly or wrongly if I`m eating chips I need a coating of salt and vinegar, apparently we should all have 6g max per day. A spokesman for the, wait for it, Federation of Fish Friers commented that people would only stand there longer, and that it was a complete waste of money, well said. On the same site, joke adverts, my favourite..Lego Snacks...you shit bricks.

Son G returned from the Metro Centre with a carrier bag:-

D "What have you got in there?"
G " I`m not telling you because you`ll say "You paid WHAT for THAT."
D " What did you pay then?"
G (Yawns) "£50"
D "£50?"
G "Yeeeeees, £50, we can`t all shop at George." (Takes flimsy black T shirt from the bag)
D "I could get 8 shirts for that."
G "Yes, probably made in Taiwan, cost 50p and the workers get 1p."
D "Clever Dick!"

G goes to talk to Chico our parrot, he listens, then when G tries to encourage him to sit on his hand, he`s bitten, really hard, but doesn`t draw blood.

G "You little twat."
D "Don`t swear, he`ll pick it up."

Read a clip in the Mail, John Haigh put the bodies of his victims in an acid bath to get rid of the evidence. He was caught because one of them had gallstones which stayed. He was hanged in August 1949. (Obviously didn`t know about bifidus regularis, how many more bogus names can advertisers come up with to brainwash us into buying their products?) So the lesson we must all learn from this...If your going to murder anyone and dispose of the body using acid, make sure they don`t have gall stones. Which reminds me, I also read somewhere that if you put a piece of steak into a bowl of Coke, it will be gone in 2 days, must try Coke in the toilet, save on cleaner.

Went to The Cluny today for the first time, tried the spicy parsnip soup, delicious. Very impressed with the place, lovely old building, friendly staff, good service and food. Must try their strawberry beer next time.

It`s years since I went into a loo with graffiti on the walls:-

1. The platitude that serves us today serves us tomorrow.
2. Today is the tomorrow that they promised us yesterday.
3. As above, so below, as within, so without. (What!!!)
4. I love Will Mapplebeck.
5. I so love Ben, he makes my life complete. (Huey)

Has anyone got a spare acid bath?

Pieces I`ve ate

The parrot has had his first taste of flesh. Brother D and sister in law A were round last night, my son and daughter in law P & B home for the weekend and everyone merry with much quaffing of ale. Chico flew into the kitchen and engaged in his party trick, throwing a selection of spoons onto the floor then watching sideways on as they hit the floor. When he flew back to his cage, brother D made the mistake of trying to put his finger through the bars, birdie drew blood, then as D was telling him off with his nose a little too close for comfort, he hooked his beak into the soft undersides of D`s nose, then fluffed himself up making clucking noises. Fascinating how much blood. He`s also gnawed his way through two wooden toys held up by string.

Chico has also developed a liking for Dusty Springfield hits, swings and sways around to Stay A While and I Only Want to be with You. Bought it at Woolworth`s for £2.97. odd price.

Driving to work 6.45 Friday morning, not far from the house, a tiny black poodle was running on the road towards us, soaking wet, obviously lost, I asked husband D to pick it up and put it in our kitchen until we got back from work. He refused "We`ll be late for work." I explained that I would find out where it was from, but no,he thought that once it was in our house, if nobody claimed it that I`d want to keep it. Told sister in law A, she agreed with me, poor animal, wonder where it is now, hope he didn`t get run over.

I suspect that eldest son G has a girlfriend. Telltale signs:-

1. Asked me where I worked (Been in this job for 4 years)
2. 2 bottles of Rose in the fridge. (He usually nicks ours)
3. Room is tidy and bedding changed.
4. Asked if we would be going out on Saturday night.

Husband D has just downloaded Geordie`s Lost His Liggy for a ring tone, I`m well pissed off because I have a crap phone which hasn`t enough memory, had previously tried to use Auf Weidershen Pet song. He`s playing it to the bird. He`s got one of the Blackberry phones which he never uses, charges it up every night, won`t swap with mine.

Charity begins at home

Needed to pick up a photo from Venture Photography on Gosforth High Street, decided to take a look in a charity shop. I spied a skirt and proceeded to the dressing room (A kind of cupboard with a curtain)Outside the curtain and flapping around in front of it was a toddler, his mother kept repeating his name, so I knew that the little darling was Benedict.

Benedict: "Mummy, can I take a look at that bloke up there?"
Mummy: "You mean the Action Man on the shelf.....excuse me could we see that? (To the assistant?"
Assistant: "Of course....how old is he?"
Mummy: "He`s nearly three, aren`t you?"
Benedict"Look at my nipper grabber"

He continued to bash up against the curtain, and as the cubicle was near the door, I had visions of everyone on the high street catching an eyefull, but I was intrigued, what was a nipper grabber? It turned out to be a kind of plastic scorpion contraption, when he pulled it the pincers worked.

I bought the skirt, it was only £2.50, a real bargain, and a triumph for recycling. I tell myself this, but I really need to stop buying and clear out half of my wardrobe, It`s definitely an obsession this bargain hunting.

Last summer I helped out at the Ofsted Children`s Rights Conference. The workers were all assembled in the marquee, two massive helium bottles were being used to blow up balloons, when one of them ran out D asked if anyone knew how to change the regulator. M stepped forward confidently, pulled the top off it and the most excruciatingly earsplitting wheeeeeeeeeeee came exploding out, he then dropped the bottle and legged it. It scared the shit out of everyone so we all split to the four winds. Have you ever ran as fast as your legs can carry you ,but you appear to be going nowhere fast? Bravely D ran back inside and shut it down, meanwhile I stood by my cowardly self until everything had died down. I had visions of the bottle going into a tail spin and ripping through the tent.

We were all given walkie talkies, everyone`s worked except the one which was given to the team I was in (wouldn`t you just know) A high wind got up and we could hear team 4 shouting for help, their tent was on the way skywards and they were holding onto the tent pegs. J and I sent T as he was the only man, good excuse. It was a great day, the children who attended went on the free rides and gained lots of prizes, so in spite of everything else, I was willing to go again this year.

Needless to say, M was obviously going to be up for some stick at this year`s fun day. "keep him away from the balloons" that kind of thing. We travelled by train and went straight to Drayton Manor fun park, sorted out the resources ready for the next day and were at the hotel for around 9.30. Had a fabulous evening meal and loved my bedroom, looked out of the window where a golf course was in view. I was amazed to see the green covered in balls, I thought people pinched them. Mentioned this to sister in law A

"Oh, nobody does, they all have printed on them STOLEN FROM ******* HOTEL"

No hassle this time, so I`m in for next year if needed.

The detective working on the Darwin case has warned everyone "Don`t even think about doing a Darwin.!" They hadn`t quite cracked the "Lying low because we`re criminals." concept. It was bound to have gone pear shaped in the end, but how`s that for irony...setting up a canoe company? I suppose it would have worked if he hadn`t taken out a library ticket, couldn`t they have bought books at a charity shop with all the money they had? But they obviously believe that charity begins at home, pity that they didn`t include their own sons in this philosophy.

Ten by Ten at the Cumberland

It was my first attempt at the Ten by Ten event at the Cumberland Arms (Ten performers have ten minutes in which to sing, dance or read their work)I had practiced my routine, but found that on the night needed to refer to my notes, I wore my paisley pinny and turban which I had made. What an act to follow, Gerard Rudolf, a fine poet and storyteller, I was second, which was good for me in another way as I was really feeling nervous, I`d be able to relax afterwards. The acts were of a really high standard and I was really pleased with the response I received (Even when I forgot some of my words)

Lots of things go on in the rest of the building, a skiffle group plays catchy tunes like Don`t bring Lulu and Roll out the barrel, there were Morris dancers and accordian players in another room, it`s been packed the couple of times we`ve been in the audience, and they have bands playing throughout the week.

As I had been on strike Wednesday and Thursday, I took the day off on Friday to travel with my friend KW, who I have recently caught up with again after losing touch with eachother in 1973. She had moved away to go to university and as people do, we got absorbed into our own lives.At an old school reunion last November, someone had her telephone number, so I rang and as a result she has stayed with us a couple of times.

We drove down to Suffolk where she now lives and I spent from Friday until Tuesday visiting market towns in the area, eating home grown and cooked food, looking at old photos and her art work. I have always drawn first, then got frustrated when I apply the paint to find that it hasn`t turned out quite how I envisaged. She starts with colour, and sometimes doesn`t know at the beginning what she will create, a much more imaginative way to work, I`ll certainly try that.

She had always been a fan of retro fashions, we used to make our own clothes, only she was a perfectionist, tacked and took her time, whereas, I had to have the creation on that night, so hence one puffed sleeve and one floppy one, we used to trawl the jumble sales, seek out a nana`s festooning skirt, cut the waist band off and lay a pattern on it, and there we had another dress.

KW has an impressive garden with summer house, beautiful plants and a water barrel and pump which two local cats frequent as their watering hole. A ginger cat and a smoky grey one, the grey one has a cropped tail, he`s called Arthur, so they have dubbed him Arfur-tail (Half a Tail, ha ha) He was lying on the path on his back and K said "Look at him sunning his bollocks, only he hasn`t got any now."

We toured the retro shops looking for necklaces and ear rings, went to a place called Snape Maltings which used to be an old brewery near the river, but the buildings have been turned into art and craft galleries and a museum, the old buildings are fabulous.

Came back on the train. K dropped me at the station where I took a train to Peterborough, then went first class from there to Newcastle, not a way I usually travel, it was such a fabulous way to go. A single window seat with a little table,fabric place mat, ceramic cup and saucer, sugar bowl. A trolley came around with sandwiches,crisps, fruit juice, cake and coffee. I was even asked if I wanted a top up. I could get used to this, but unless I win the lottery....

Caught up with my ironing today and as I was flicking through the channels, stumbled on the God Channel, a bloke was telling people in the audience that God was working on people with lung problems today,(God had told him this) so he was inviting anyone up on the stage if they had asthma, bronchitis or lung cancer to be cured. This was going on in Florida. A man got up and stated that he had asthma for 20 years and it was now gone. An assistant stood behind him, and when the "healer" touched his forhead, he blanked out backwards into his arms. Healer told the people "Cynical people don`t last long, happy people do." He did this kind of Harry Potter movement as if he had a wand in his hand, directing his "energy" towards a nana on the stage, she flipped over onto the people sitting down in their seats.

Went into town, called in to Art Cafe, and B was on top form, asking all of the women in there how old they were, he was the youngest at 45. I told him that he was the young chicken and we were the old roosters, he said "I don`t know about a young chicken, more like an old cock." I was trying to see a detail on a photograph and asked him if he had a magnifying glass, he replied "Why, is it that long since you`ve seen your husband`s apendage?" He brought me a pair of jam jar bottom glasses and I still couldn`t see. As I wasn`t with friend D today, he asked "Where`s all fur coat?" He should be on the stage, but then he wouldn`t be able to pretend that he`s working, as he does now in his own cafe`.

Talk Titanic

I really do love travelling by bus, the interesting people makes up for the usual sausage roll remnants on the floor and the occasional rolling pop bottle which nobody wants to pick up, it becomes quite musical after a while.I imagine many a budding Mozart will have composed his masterpiece on such journeys.

Met an old fella struggling into his seat at the back of the bus, he sat opposite me, he smiled through a sigh. I asked him if he came into town for shopping every day. His wife had suffered a brain haemorrage seven years earlier and was left disabled in a wheelchair, she`d been in a coma for 6 months, he looked as if he`d been through the mill. It turned out that Mr. C had lived in Frank Street Benwell, where my husband was born and we started exchanging the surnames that we remembered, memories of the old outdoor toilets, woodworm and pitch darkness when sitting on the throne. He laughed when he remembered one night on returning from the pub, a little the worse for drink, he`d stumbled into the outdoor toilet, it was the middle of winter, the toilet bowl shattered, floods of water cascaded out, he couldn`t unloose the catch (sneck) on the door and was soaked.

Mr. C went on to talk of old neighbours, one old lady had taken care of a relative`s belongings after she died, a bag among the possessions had boarding pass, tickets and things left from the Titanic, she had survived the sinking. I asked what happened to it, he said regretfully, they had thrown it all in the bin.....what!!!!!
It wasn`t of interest to them back then. What a character, I really enjoyed my journey, he thanked me for an interesting chat.

Later that night, switched on Tv The Last Mystery of the Titanic is showing on Discovery Knowledge, the camera follows into the boat deck level, staircase and down to E deck. I ponder at where the old lady was in all of this.

Wife in the North by Judith O`Reilly

Just got back from a brilliant evening at Blackwell`s Book Shop in Newcastle City Centre. The book launch of Judith O`Reilly

"Maybe hormones ate her brain. How else would Judith`s husband persuade her to give up her career and move from her beloved London to Northumberland with two toddlers in tow?"

I discovered her blog by word of mouth from my friend Kate, and became hooked. I am a blogger myself since my daughter in law Bobbi set one up for me. She had started blogging since she and my son were on honeymoon two years ago. And, now that I`m addicted, if there is any way that I can pass on the obsession, I`m in. I asked a friend, Mick if he had a blog and he answered

"No, but I`ve got a sister in the Russian Navy...what is a blog?"

It does seem like savage amusement at times, what to leave in and leave out, but now that I have advice from an expert, I`m going to start blogging my poems, here goes.

Love

You never lower the toilet seat,
The toothpaste lidless lies.
Junk pressed into the pedal bin,
Attracting all the flies.

You never fold the paper,
The news is back to front.
And when I ask a question,
All I get`s a grunt.

Where is the washing basket?
You can`t locate it`s base.
Wet towels upon the bathroom floor,
It`s one big paper chase.

The cups bear penicillin,
The plates are welded high.
Pizza, burger, Macky Dees,
Baked beans, Kentucky Fry,

There`s just one thing I`d like to say,
Before my time is done,
"I`ve loved you more than life itself
because you are my son."

Well, that`s one of the collection so far, I`m part of the line up of performers at The Cumberland Arms, Ten by Ten evening where ten people perform ten poems in ten minutes. It`s next Thursday at 8.00 and will be really scary for me, hope it goes down well. Most of my poems are in Geordie dialect, I`ll be wearing a paisley pinny and a turban, copied from my mother.

Divn`t Show Is Up

Me Muther wore a turban,
Of workin class design,
She`d wear a paisly pinny
Peggin washin on the line.

The front door step was gleamin,
Scrubbed with lovin care.
She used a slab of donkey stone,
STEP ON IT IF YI DARE.

The Provi man would visit,
The interest rate was high,
Twenty Bob, aal you`d need
Helped yi to get by.

Ee Peggy, here`s me Provi
(I`d duck me heed in shame)
We`re gannin doon ti Farnon`s,
Ee well I`m deein the same.

We`d board the bus,
Gaan ti the toon.
Aw Mam, divn`t tell them aal,
For God`s sake keep it doon!

There might be kids from doon wor street,
Thinkin that we`re poor,
Aa cannit hold me heed up,
So can yi please giv oower?

Calm doon pet,me Muther said,
Cheer up and have a laugh.
They`re aal nee better than yersel,
We`re aal in the same tin bath.

I asked Judith O`Reilly if I should put my poems on the blog, and she gave me the thumbs up to have a go, so thanks again Judith for an inspirational evening, keep up the good work kid.

Toe Nail Clippings

Read in the paper that toe nail clippings are up for analysis to assess the risk of women who could develop heart disease, they checked out 62,500 nurses. It showed double the level of nicotine in those with heart disease than in those without. So, that`s a relief, I`m pleased I`m a non-smoker, didn`t fancy the idea of a complete stranger sifting through my trimmings and putting the results into a plates of meat survey.


At the bus stop I overhear a conversation by a man in the company of three ladies. "They`re ganna take 60% of me wage, the CSA is after is. She said I`d smashed up her house, she`s got the kids to say ah did it as well, ah was having a can of lager. Ah give `er £40 oot o` me money,and ah only get £149. Ah see the kids once a week and she`s after stopping me seeing them."

I always sit in front of someone who is sneezing, then I`m too embarrassed to move, I continue reading the paper, trying not to breathe too often. The Encounters page is always of interest, the terminology fascinates me.

Creative spiritual and fun...wanted someone to "Tango through life with him"

Decent chap...described himself as "with broad shoulders, seeks someone into politics and rock n roll"

Willowy woman of 58 who describes herself as "Tactile" and her address was Beds, Bucks

A "Miss Bossy Boots" who is a dreadful SOH (Whatever that is) "Looking for an educated eccentric with which to live life to the edge"

Absolute male...."Abstract artist, 46 gifted looks" (Ha) "seeks highly stimulating, gorgeous female for friendship and relationship

And lastly, a "Well seasoned, energetic ex chef"

Some other snippets of interest noted:-

A retired soldier who lives in a man made hut on Skye and travels by canoe to collect his pension.

A man who had an argument with his wife in the 1980s, lived in a tree for 15 years, he came out ok during the 1999 cyclone that felled trees and killed thousands.

And a bald eagle that lost it`s beak after being shot now has a replacement artificial one, of nylon composite to help it to eat, well I never.

In town, the stag and hen parties are starting early, the best dressed were these lads in superhero, caveman and other character suits. I only meant to take a photo of the caveman, and the others joined in, sorry that I didn`t get an e mail address to post it to them, it came out rather well.

Our parrot Chico is extending his vocabulary, we have stopped watching the F Word which features Gordon Ramsay. We have given him a new bell which he enjoys thwaking against the cage, then he lets it slow down, positions his head so that he gets a scratch.

The other day I was sitting at the computer, a loud bang on the patio door, and as I looked onto the path, there was a kestrel, looking startled, then it rose up and I noticed it had a kind of rat thing at the end of it`s claws. And today when I opened the curtains, a stack of pigeon feathers were scattered around the garden, it`s on the hunt.

Pretending to Buy a Car

Bulk mail has now infiltrated my inbox..."Don`t look fat and stupid this summer" Thanks for the reminder. I`m now receiving up to 18 a day.

Stopped off at a service cafe on the motorway, £23 for two salads, 2 coffees (the most disgusting I`ve ever tasted) and two bottles of orange juice. As we ate two women walked past us on the way out, caught a snippet of conversation "That was the most disgusting coffee I have ever tasted".

We spent time at a friends caravan, husband D opens the door steps inside and stands there like a doll in a cuckoo clock as I pick out the bags. We go into Penrith to a great Mexican restaurant and go to see Sex in the City. As usual we are first there, a tall pony tailed man is marching back and forwards using his mobile, saying "Australia, deadlines and low budget film next time" quite a lot. He gives instructions to a gormless looking assistant who swings her legs on a tall stool next to the popcorn machine. By this time there are about twenty of us waiting to go in. The crowd for Indiana Jones are leaving, and Ponytail appears at the top of the stairs and announces

"Anyone for Sex and the City will you come upstairs" someone laughs

There are some great one liners, a bit too long, and very decadent. I saw a picture of the four of them at the premier, none of them wore a pair of shoes under £400, I could replace my whole wardrobe for that!!!

Back home, D has arranged for new fencing to divide the back garden to make the car port larger next to the garage. He stands at the kitchen window watching them work, and occasionally pops out to ask a question. When they have finished, I tell D that it looks wonky, he gets out his spirit level and announces that it`s a quarter of an inch out, yeah... of course it is. I`m not to bothered because I`ll plant Clematis in front of it, just have to ignore it for a couple of years until it grows over.

Bearing in mind that it had been raining, the men had retreated to their van a couple of times, as soon as they leave D gets out his spray creosote machine, thingymagig. He is out there for a couple of hours and the wood looks a bit darker, but most of it spirals in puff balls over the fence. He is wearing his new jeans, I can tell because he still has the long sticky tape strip(which tells you what size they are) he`s also wearing new shoes!!!! the tea shirt, I`m not bothered about the T shirt becoming creosoted, it`s his black one with a white trim around the neck, makes him look like a vicar, always hated that one.

D is contemplating buying a new car, so rather than go with him, I read the paper. I smile as I remember when our lads were younger, D would say "I`M GETTING A NEW CAR" We would be all breathless stir, spend half a day trawling around the showrooms, then he would back out. The kids used to call it "Dad`s pretending to buy a car"

The photo shows the beginnings of the new library, even the pigeons don`t know where to sit anymore. He looks like he`s missing the old building too.

Recycling

The council is snooping in folks`s rubbish bins now, they want to know how much food people are chucking out, apparently picking out random homes such as university students. Why are they pretending that its to improve on their knowledge of recycling, they will penalise those who don`t recycle. Don`t know if it`s true, but councils are accused of just selling all the recycle resources to China anyway. They are going to educate us on the findings of their research, how to be responsible citizens, well I`d like to see what the council wastes, and i`d like to bet it`s hell of a sight more than your average Joe Soap.

I`m amazed at the husband who took his wife back after she took out a loan for home improvements, £4,500 to have him bumped off by a hit man. Sort of gives a new meaning to home improvements, I suppose that for her the home would be better without him. Or maybe she just imagined that she was doing her bit for recycling.

There`s going to be a 4 day walk out by oil tanker workers, oh great, just when we`d planned to go straight from work tomorrow hoping to stay until Monday with son P and daughter in law B. Apparently, the men are angry at having 13% pay rise rejected, they say that they earn the same as they did in 1993. We`ll still chance it, so fingers crossed!!!!!

And another thing, I`m really missing our Central Library, it was knocked down to rebuild and the new one won`t be ready until 2009.

Snippets of Conversation

The most amusing things are heard just in passing, I was on the escalator in John Lewis behind an old couple, she turned to him and asked
"Did you see that woman looking at those Jimmy Shoe Choos?" he didn`t answer her.
Also, those sum it up one liners on people`s tee shirts....a friend`s husband saw one reading "George Bush family butchers

Watching a programme on the artists Gilbert and George, their singing sculpture, the music was Underneath the Arches which brought back memories of an art class I once went to. At the Christmas party everyone brought food and three older ladies brought home brew rice wine. It was pretty potent stuff, and I overheard two of them whispering together "We`ll be alright as long as she doesn`t sing Underneath the Arches!" I had forgotten about this snippet of conversation, until later in the evening I heard this quivering high pitched rendition of the arches song. She was indeed two sheets to the wind and this must have been the signal to which the pals were alerted for to carry out a disappearing act with her.

Back to Gilbert and George....they were covered in bronze body paint with coloured spots over the top, a little like traffic lights, they were still in their suits standing on a table. They took turns to get down from the table to rewind the tape recorder. One of them held a rubber glove and the other one had a green walking stick, halfway through, they changed over.Is there something I`m not getting here?
And what about these adverts showing sofas being chain sawed in half, some kid is going to watch that and take a kitchen knife to the family sofa "Oh, that`s a good idea, mam`s always saying how she would like to change the furniture around"

I was on the bus in front of two men and heard this snippet
"I`m always looking for photos of myself when I had hair and I can`t find any."
I never get bored on bus journeys, there`s so much to hear and see. I passed a barber shop the other day, the name Van Gogh, had to laugh, the amount of times hairdressers have snipped at my ears.

A Place of One`s Own

D is watching a John Wayne cowboy film, he falls asleep, the minute I switch channels he shouts. "I was watching that!" "Oh yes." I say "So what was it about." "I know what it`s about, ok, just put it back on the channel." then dozes off again. I flip to another channel in time to hear Jonathan Ross say to Julian Clary "So you were held to wansom" they are speculating whether he would have been tortured on his visit to Russia when he accompanied a gay rights activist. I decide to stay tuned as Sting is on next. Having watched my choice I am in time to turn back to D`s channel as he wakes up again. This time, there is another John Wayne film on, they are aboard a WW2 battle ship, they are saying things such as.
"Pass the word to abandon ship." "Fire over her bow" "Clear the bridge" "Report to the bridge" "Take a star shell over her" "Here`s our log, take it to your captain" "I think they`re going to ram us sir." Yawwwwwwwn. I switch again, he complains once more that he was "Watching that" but when I again question him on the content, he reports dialogue from the cowboy film.

Chico, our parrot lands on the computer desk, and as he is on the edge, he uses the radio aerial to hold himself upright, there are little beak dints all over it. I give him a metal ring, and he holds it in his claw, looking around the room through the hole. D and G are not flavour of the month with the bird, he allows me to scratch his head, and will sit on my arm, but he bites son and husband if they try to touch him. If anyone picks up a phone he shouts "Hello, how are you...ok the know...you ok..se ya..tara." then makes the sound of the phone going back into the stand. A friend at work also has an African Grey and a dog called Blue. The dog was barking and she shouted "BLUE" the parrot added his own words "Get into your bed"

We go to a family birthday barbeque,my sister in law`s mother B is 80. There is lovely food and lots of people there. Husband D and brother D enjoy partaking of the alcohol, Hus D asks my brother "Do you polish your head?" Then tells an onlooker, how when he was young he wouldn`t have minded if his hair had turned purple, as long as he didn`t go bald" How`s that for tact? B`s husband S has a wheelchair, he is indoors and the chair is in the garden, brother parks his backside on it drinking from a bottle of Becks, it makes a great photo. G is in charge of the bbq and as his sausages are becoming carcenogenic, a fire engine can be heard, he stops in his tracks, and when it speeds past, service is resumed.

I tell D that there is a guided walk in town and ask if he would like to go, he is waiting for people arriving to view the caravan which he has for sale in the newspaper, so he declines the offer.

I turn up near the central station near the Hume statue to meet up with others who are interested in their heritage for a guided walk around Newcastle.The talk is on the Seedy and Sophisticated in the time of Jane Austen. We
take a look into the Old Assembly rooms, we are in what would have been the sophisticated part of town. There are fabulous chandeliers,
paintings and stories of a ghost. We go to the back of St Nicholas Cathedral and see the buildings where ThomasBewick and Ralph Beilby worked and view the old castle walls near an ancient building which was once used as a lunatic asylum, the guide is describing what the conditions would have been like, when a gang of teenage lads swagger through the arch of the wall, acting themselves, one is trying to climb up the wall. The guide says "So....nothing has changed" We move on to the part of town which would have been "seedy" in the late 1700s to witness a girl in a gold lame top and shorts swinging fire sticks above her head, then a crowd of lads spill out of Revolution bar dressed as nurses wearing wigs and suspenders.

Four couples have viewed the caravan and there are no takers. I mention this to friend S, she reminds me that the writer Roald Dahl had a den in which he used to write his stories, she thinks it would be a good idea for me to use the caravan for my writing. I inform D of this, and he thinks it`s a great idea. So. he promptly takes his spare stereo, portable TV and speakers, installs them in the van, and disappears for a couple of hours. This is not exactly what I had in mind, but on reflection, he has no heating up there, I have Sky TV in the house and my own lap top, what more can I ask....Peace at last.

The Orphanage

Went to the cinema to see The Orphanage, thoroughly enjoyed this film, didn`t disappoint after loving Pan`s Labyrinth I`d thought it would be a hard act to follow. As I am short in stature, I always sit at the front to avoid taller people blocking my view, only trouble is, everyone in the cinema can see me jump at the scary bits. The way it is shot is superb with some really scary, jump out of your seat moments, doors clashing, things creeping up on you and delayed discovery scenes where you know something is going to leap out.

Afterwards we go to the Rose and Crown, first time I`ve been in there, friendly old man`s pub. Then we moved on down the Groat Market. We get back home pretty late, I put the tumble dryer on while I`m on the computer checking e mails. D has fallen asleep, he jolts awake and shouts

"What`s that helicopter doing?"

Meet D at Laboca,her cat came home after a night on the tiles, it`s head covered in oil, she tried to get the marks off with watered down washing liquid. A friend of her husband`s sent her a text "Would you like me to call around to get the mark off your pussy!" On the subject of animals, she knows a woman who owns one of those furless tiny dogs, it`s called Coco Chacha, but their surname is Bell, it didn`t quite go, so now it`s called Coco Chacha Labelle, it fits in her handbag. Then an old woman who she knows has owned a series of budgies over her lifetime, they were all called Billy (Surname Shay), she has lots of little graves in her garden Billy Shay 1st, Billy Shay 2nd etc.

I ask B if I can take a photo of him for my blog, he obliges, true to character, up for a laugh, and poses with his cake covers, brilliant.

As husband D was off work on Tuesday I met up with him after leaving friend D. We go to the Metro Centre, stop off at Subway for a fabulous honey mustard chicken sandwich, I am just about to sink my teeth into it, when a young couple sit down, the lad has his back to me, he is quite portly and is wearing hipster jeans, I can see nearly all of his backside, not pretty, that`s the second scary sight this week.

"1p for a hover and 2p for a sit"

I`m on the bus going to town, an old fella with silver hair is on the seat in front, there`s a money spider merrily making a web across the strands in a triangle shape from the top of his head to a stray hair behind his ear. 20 minutes into the journey, I can`t take my eyes from the busy little creature, he moves his hand to scratch his head, and I have to stop myself from shouting "No!" He doesn`t harm Incy, my mobile rings and its friend D, she`s heading for B`s cafe. When I look back to check the progress of the web, spidys gone, oh, no.... then crawling around on the crown, I spy him, he`s abandoned his work, then it`s time to alight, I`m not destined to know the outcome of his fate, if he manages to hold on till the old fella goes to bed, he could be pancake.

At Laboca, D is looking forward to her holiday near the Zambeze River, they will be visiting a private game reserve, she informs me that they will have to be up and ready by 5.00am and asks

"Can`t we go somewhere where the animals have a lie in?"

She asks how our parrot Chico is doing, I tell her that he can now copy my husband`s snoring, farting and the signature tune to Coronation Street.

The book club members arrive, it is S`s Alabastar wedding anniversary, 37 years. We have been married 35 years, but I haven`t a clue what that is. Our new book is The Story of My Father by Sue Miller. I visit the toilet, B hammers on the door and shouts

" Hoy, you haven`t paid, I want 1p for a hover and 2p for a sit."

I sample B`s delicious home made soup, we ask eachother questions about the last book My Sister`s Keeper and discuss the ethics of designer babies, ones that are specifically conceived to maintain the health of a sick sibling, and also stem cell research. C is feeling groggy and feels as though she is aboard a ship, we offer to take the books back for her afterwards. D visits the toilet before we leave and B ushers all of us out and pulls down the shutters to the cafe to give her a fright.

We go on to meet another friend at the Centurion, have another coffee, until 6.20 when we carry on to the Lit and Phil for the open mic session. I read some of my poems and we hear a great selection from other members, a fabulous old mariner called Jack Paperman is reading his poems of the sea, what a character, I hope that he comes back. I told him that my Grandfather had been a mariner also, sailing from Falmouth in 1901 aboard the SS Waft, he is going to look through his records. I imagine that he would have a house full of collections.

On the bus coming back home, there are two drunks (At 8.30pm!!!!!! only in Newcastle) both are having conversations very loudly on their mobiles, one of them is saying f*** alot and the other is repeating each word he says about 6 times very rapidly " He`s a scaffolder, a scaffolder, is he a scaffolder man, I`m sure he`s a scaffolder, Duncan, he`s called Duncan, Duncan man, yeah, Duncan, he`s a scaffolder." As I get up to leave the bus I notice that they are actually twin brothers, they finish their conversations together then start talking to eachother, It`s a wonder to me how they don`t knock eachother out with the fumes.

I`m just in time to watch the programme on Stephen Wiltshire using pen and ink to create the London landscape, I saw him on TV when he was a child, he loved to sketch buildings then, but he has moved on to lithographs, oils, pastels, different mediums and shows work in his own gallery. He is autistic and has to have his meals etc at set times, he reminded me of my Dad who had Aspergers, he died 2 years ago this May, what a character he was, always collecting things and inventing new contraptions, I`m sure that he would have been interested in this programme, his favourites were Countdown and anything on animals or the second world war.

This photo shows some of his mates, either looking fed up or miserable, which you would expect, but Dad loved the regimental nature of the army Mam always used to say

"Look at the way he lines everything up on the table like a regiment of soldiers"

He admitted to me when he was 80 that my Nana used to send him letters from home, none of which he ever read, I wonder what his fellow soldiers made of that, they must have depended on letters from home to get them through the horrors they must have witnessed, and in a way, Dad`s syndrome would have been some kind of shield to what was going on around him. He spoke of his van, which he loved to ride around in when he was in Hanover, Oh what a lovely war.

Comedians

Watched a documentary on Ken Dodd, the comedian, a group of pensionable aged women surround him asking for autographs. One of them hands him a piece of paper.
Ken. "What`s your name dear?"
Woman: "Eileen."
Ken. "Do you lean to the left or to the right?"

Without a flicker of recognition that this is indeed a joke, she answers "To the left."


The carpets need hovering, where once we were plagued by dog hairs, now we have feathers and discarded seed husks. Terry Pratchett, the author has the right idea, he has these little dinner plate like remote control hoovers which beetle in and around the furniture in his magnificent house as he sits in front of six computer screens. He`s just recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers disease, which is devastating for such a brilliant mind. When my youngest son P was at middle school and well into games workshops and fantasy figures, which he used to paint, orc like creatures which cost a fortune. Both G and P spent time playing with Castle Greyskull and Star Wars figures, everything went into the loft, the Millenium Falcon, Rebel Star ship, along with darth Vader and the rest of them. We were holding a boot sale one Sunday, and the pair of them retrieved their booty from the loft and sold it all at ridiculously low prices. Years later when P moved away from Newcastle, we went to a science fiction convention and were gutted to see the prices of the self same paraphernalia.

Anything else of value in the loft has long since been sold, due to the discovery of ebay by eldest son G. He soon latched on to the fact that the two Snoopy watches, (original price around £3.50 each) were now worth £18.50 each, so promptly sold both his own and his brother`s. We know when he has been into the loft because the ladders are always left out under the hatch, he never tidies anything away.

I meet friend D at Laboca Art Cafe, B is there to greet us, when he finds out that I now own an African Grey parrot, he jokes

"Well, it`s a good job that you haven`t got a cock-or-two"

Two diners are about to leave, he asks the man

B "Is that your pencil, you`ve left on the table...you haven`t got much lead in it have you?"
Man "Oh thankyou." picking the pencil up and putting it in his pocket.
B "See you again...pencil it in"

This reminds me of a programme on past times, The Way we were. A little lad wearing short pants and a short back and sides haircut, is crouched down on the pavement, he has chalked the words Follow this Line. He trawls around the school yard drawing this line, and at the end, has written If you followed this, your daft by, how things have changed, some of todays kids would be too busy scoring up in the toilets.

A book launch at the local Lit and Phil for three crime writers Chaz Brenchley (Local lad), Cath Stainecliffe (Blue Murder) and Margaret Murphy. K,S,D and me were dishing out the programmes, raffle, free pens, quiz and wine and nibbles. S had also made a lovely punch. The event was well attended and very interesting with an opportunity for questions from the crowd.
One of S`s friends was an Eileen, someone she had worked with a while back. As I listened to these three charmed individuals, I asked the question "Which book do you wish that you had written?" none of them gave an author, but they all said that there were styles and phrases that they were envious of. So, it gives the rest of us a little hope to know that even the hugely talented still have their jealousies. Heard a joke the other day,

How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?
13......1 to change it and another 12 to say, I should be up there.

I look out of the window, and my eye is irritatingly drawn to the bright red rope holding the fence up onto the tree, then I notice that D has been out with a piece of wood and nailed it from the fence to the tree "For extra support" It`s snowing, and I just know that no DIY will be done this week again, well, I suppose it gives friends and neighbours a laugh.

Ruling the Roost

After winning £250 on the union raffle and the Easter egg at work, I am imagining that my third windfall is about to arrive. It came in another form however, after fierce winds overnight, we receive a phone call from Windermere Lake officials to say that our boat has broken its moorings, they have set it on land for now. This may involve paying for a new mooring position, however, there is a one nearby which hasn`t been used for 12 months, we are allowed to use that until we get another. We are waiting to hear how much this is all going to cost. Also the front fence is in danger of falling over. D resolves this "For now" and uses rope to tie one of the fence posts to a nearby tree. We`ll see how long "For now" lasts

Chico, our new pet is surprising everyone by copying the phone ringing, he answers with Hello, then a garbled mix of human words ending in Bye. He has taken a bath in his water dish and soaked everything around him, but he`s sooooo cute. Son P and daughter in law B have stayed over the holiday from Thursday, they brought their trainers with them as they intended to go out jogging, B developed a bad cold and it began to snow so they didn`t get much past out local Jingling Gate. We were out for a meal on Friday, and she treated us to her fabulous chilli chicken dish on Saturday night. It all comes around too quickly and they return to their own home on Sunday evening. They left wearing their trainers.

We are back to the insults between D & G. G is about to leave the house, is wearing his grey cap, he looks at Chico through the bars of the cage, the bird rushes towards him.

G "Look, he thinks I`m another bird, he thinks the peak of my cap looks like another bird"
D " Yeah, he thinks you look like a bald eagle."

We laugh and Chico copies the sounds.

If this bird doesn`t pick up their insults, I`ll eat My hat.

I Believe I can Fly

We discuss the possibility of buying a bird of some description. I suggest a shop that is on Shields Road, but D informs me that there is a breeder Parrotcare in Bedlington who teaches the birds to crap in their own cages, and even when they are out flying around the house, they will return to their cage to do this. But, when I see them flying free, I think it`s cruel to cage any bird. But D thinks it will be ok to let it fly around in here. This is coming from someone who while passing through as I was watching Life of Birds, said

D "That`s a funny eye"
Y "It`s a bird laying an egg."

D threatens to cook a chilli for tea, as he always mulches the ingredients within an inch of their lives in the mixer, G says "Don`t make any for me `cos it`ll be mush" Surprisingly, it`s lovely and G samples it.

The shop at Bedlington is open at 12.00, so D leaves the house at 11.30 for a 15 minute journey, he is going to make sure that he is first there. P & B are home for the weekend and we are in the sitting room with G, who repeatedly rings his father on the mobile to check if he has bought one. D returns with a massive silver cage, two bags of food and Chico, an African Grey. The parrot is looking out at us from a kind of carrying case with a metal grid, D says that he was given this free. When I check the receipt, it was £10. The breeder has advised us to leave him in the cage for a couple of days until he gets used to our surroundings, hence, D stands in front of the cage twittering at the creature. When I draw his attention to this.
Y "Leave the bird alone for it`s sake."
D " Go and make a cup of tea for my sake."

Returning to Life of Birds, Dunnocks are featured, we have some of these little creatures in the clematis in the back garden nesting. I was amazed to learn that the female has a particular talent for mating with a chosen male, after he has left, she can expel the sperm, go on to mate with other males, and each one is under the impression that he is the father. She is thus ensured that her babies will have enough food supplied by many gullible partners who run around after her. I believe that there is a name for such a person in the human world., but with the advent of DNA testing this is becoming more difficult.

It`s not long before D & G lock horns over the parrot`s future vocabulary.

G " I`m going to teach it how to say Fat boy."
D " I`ll teach him to say Baldy boy."
Y Laughs
D " Well we all know what Chico will learn from you Y, the Windows start up tune."
Y "Ha, ha, very funny."

At first Chico is a little shy, but copies the odd clicking sound. Then as he becomes more comfortable we hear lazer, bell, alarm clock, laughing, ring tones and Hello and Come on. D rushes out to Jolleys Pet Shop and returns with a climbing contraption, 3 pieces of log joined together by rope. He enjoys scanning Wikepaedia for tips on rearing and feeding, he learns that avocados are poisonous to parrots and that there is cyanide in apple pips, well I never!!!

No Place Like Home

D is trying out his new cordless earphones, apparently Ferry Across the Mersey is playing, I don`t recognise the tune, but the words are familiar. It sounds like a cat maowing. I suggest that we go out for a run in the car.

I take my camera with me, I have a couple of addresses I want to check out against my family tree. We pass the old glass works where an uncle of mine had been a glass blower. Next, the electricity power station:-

D "When I was a kid I used to think that this was where prisoners went to the electric chair."

Bentinck Road goes by....

D "Wacky Jacky used to live up this street, can you remember him, he used to say" Is it bleeding?" I wonder why it is that the memory retains so much crap, and yet I had asked him to pick my jacket up from the cleaners and he forgot.

The Redheugh Bridge is next, the old bridge stood right next to where the Arena stands now, and it`s concrete replacement is rubbish. After more photos taken we go over the bridge, the toll house building is still there, but the old streets have long gone.

It`s quite a blustery day, we carry on to Tynemouth where D`s ancestors had lived on Percy Park, just across the road from the Priory. I have as many snaps to put with my census records so we go home.

Back home, D is watching A place in the Sun, Spain and Portugal are featured, tales of Brits who have lost their life savings on properties which the Spanish repossess because they decide to use the land for a new development. Yes, there`s alot to be said for our own country, we moan about this and that, but this kind of robbery would not happen. I am definitely one for staying where you heart is, and in the words of Gerry and the Pacemakers

"And this land`s the land I love and here I`ll stay."

Sky Arts vs Constipation Street

I`m watching a programme on Sky Arts on Dali. D is disgruntled, but I remind him that I have had to endure Constipation Street, Enemadale and The Pill, I ask him

Y "Aren`t you interested in the subconscious mind?"
D "No I`m frigging not!"
Y "Oh, I see, you`re still having trouble with your conscious mind."
The presenter explains that the piece of work he is describing is "Between a lobster and a telephone."
D "Is it f**k"
We laugh, I am well used to his Philistine tendencies. I don`t really expect him to show an interest, he doesn`t paint or draw, come to think of it, I haven`t drawn or painted anything for ages, the last effort was of a Greek man when we were on holiday in Rhodes. (Photo)

I say that I endure his programmes, but I usually work on the computer when these are showing. I know when they have finished because he generally asks me what I am doing, he`s oblivious to my pursuits when he`s otherwise engaged with soaps. He sometimes views Antiques Roadshow, where the women are genuinely interested in the history of the object and the men display an expression of "Hurry up and get on with it, I need to know how much it`s worth."
The most amusing item viewed on the show was a vase with a golden globe like lid, it turned out to be a door knob that some ancestor (Probably a man) couldn`t be arsed to put away. It`s a dead giveaway when people pretend to be posh, they always drop themselves in, it`s so not worth the bother to alter your accent. Mine is decidedly Geordie. Reminding me of a nursery that I used to work at. One little four year old informed me with a smirk on his face "Mrs Y, some people say barrth and some people say bath." I obviously slotted into the latter, little monkey.

There`s a local news item, the interviewer has taken his questions to the streets, wants to know how many people know the names of the seven deadly sins, a vicar is caught out by only remembering about 4 of them.

I`m working on the computer, checking my hot matches on Genes Reunited, I look at the clock, It`s 12.40, I have until 2.30 before I need to leave the house, leaving myself 15 minutes before to get changed out of my old jeans and T shirt and put on some slap. After many matches checked and either rejected or replied to I glance at the clock, It`s still 12.40. Then I notice that the minute hand is merrily clicking away on the spot. I dash into the next room where a clock displays 2.20, shite, if I`m to get to the book club on time I have to be at the bus stop for 3.00.
My changing routine is rapidly speeded up, and I know that I will be sitting on the bus torturing myself with "Did you turn the computer, iron off, lock the door."etc

Our first meeting at Laboca Art Cafe went very well, we discussed Unless by Carol Shields, loved this one, she`s a brilliant comic writer. B amused everyone as usual as he served us his excellent coffee. Next I went to the Lit and Phil, Jeff Price of the Poetry Vandals was reading his work from his book Doors, and we were priviledged to listen to poems from his pending book. His poems are regional and about everyday life and relationships in families, a breath of fresh air, as at some readings the poets can be really pretentious. Must find out where the Vandals meet, if the others in the group are similar kinds of writers it will be an excellent night out, then my husband can have full control of the remote for the TV, thus spending an arts free evening to himself.