Central Arcade, Newcastle upon Tyne

Cat nap

A neighbour put this chair out for rubbish collection, the cat certainly knew how to find comfort.

The Underpants Cafe`

Going in to Laboca, meeting a couple of folks in there. Last week when friend D was approaching, B looked out of the window

"Here comes The Bitchy Butty Queen, the Crimplene Goddess, Butty Bouquet." She knew that he was taking the Mick by the expression on his face
D "And I` wearing my ocelot just for you" (Tugs on her scarf)
B "I`ve just bought a scary pussy plant, you know one of those smelly yellow bushes, oh by the way, D, never put water on nylon, you`ll get electric shocks."
"Did you see that programme with Sandi Toksvig and Goldie Hawn."
B "Yes, she looked like a Californian Raisin with a bit of lippy on."
D. "They gave much more air space to Goldie Hawn, I`d rather have listened to Sandi."
Y " We`ve all got tickets to see Ms Toksvig next week at Newcastle University."
D "Did I tell you about the leak in my back passage?"
B "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
D "We had a burst pipe and the cat was skidding all over the floor, the water dripped through the light fitting, we were plodging through the carpet, husband M had an idea, he had to take his trousers off as they got wet, so he said
M" I`m thinking of starting a new cafe, it`ll be called The Underpants Cafe`, instead of the doorman asking "Can I take your coat?" he`ll say "Can I take your trousers? Then all the men will be comfortable"
Y "I`m having visions here of the Auf Weidershen episode where OZ is trouserless, not a pretty thought, still if all the men did this in a cafe, us women would be spared the sight at home, could catch on."

Then a fella walked in, B addressed him
B "Hi Womble, what`s that whiff I got as you passed just then?"
W "I`m wearing Hi Karate."

Men, they`re in a league of their own!!!!!

Monkfish Productions

Been lucky enough to be part of the line up for First in Three at Northern Stage on
6th November. I`ll be appearing as Florrie the Geordie Housewife again, but this time will have the tune Geordie`s Lost his Liggy as my signature tune. A bit scary to think I`ll be on a larger stage, but the more practise I get, the better. Claire Morgan who runs the company will be using her puppet Mother, a clip can be viewed on youtube Little Apple, hilarious as well as a social commentary.

Travelled to Millhouse Green to help our P and B to move house. There`s something very pleasing about a new building, new kitchen, carpets and plain walls. I remember one house we lived in mid seventies, the people before us had painted the skirting boards until they came to a piece of furniture then moved around it to continue painting, when the place was empty, it was plain that they`d just daffied white paint over dark purple. The washable paper in the kitchen had to be chisled off, all seven layers of it, we eventually got down to the bare walls, and I swore that I would never wallpaper, ever. We thought we were trendy with our avocado bathroom suite.

Only been in the gaff for a week and while we were watching TV, some little tow rag nicked the coach lamp from the front door, someone took a key along the side of our car and D chased a lad across the road and through gardens after catching him in a neighbours house, until he lost him. As was fashionable at the time we used a half barrel as a plant pot in the garden, a criminal used it to stand on under our kitchen window trying to get into our house. We didn`t live here long, a year, before we put it up for sale. Moved to our present place and here we`ve stayed.

How I hate those telephone question scams,

Do you know the first name of our queen? Is it

1. Mary
2. Britney
3. Elizabeth

On breakfast TV there was a scrambled name, aimed at children, encouraging them to ring in at peak time, and to ask for permission from an adult
C i d r a
n e ll e

"Mam, mam, I know this one, I can win, pleeeeeeeeeeeease let me ring"

Can`t you just imagine this scenario, all they have to do now is to brainwash the kids and they make a fortune, twats.

Memories, in the corners of my mind, la la la........

Just about finished the schools section for the local history book, keep remembering more comic moments as I go along. I had a history of fainting, usually when we were about to disect a worm or when the teacher commented one day " Be careful, the scalpels are sharp, they are used for lancing veins." Why did she have to add that!!! During a craft lesson we were given a demonstration on how to hold the tile away from the sharp instrument we were using to forge lines into, they smelled like old tyres. One lass in the group gouged a chunk out of the soft tissue area between her thumb and forefinger, needless to say I hit the deck amid screams and blood gushing everywhere, who`d be a teacher? I was removed from the scene in a wheelchair.

Husband D has been shopping for CD`s, came back with Free and a couple of metaler kinds of music, thank frig that he didn`t come back with the box set of Champion the Wonderhorse, as he threatened to do last time we were in HMV. It`s fortunate for me that there are no repeats of Little House on the Prarie, pass the fermaldehyde, I want to pickle myself, on second thoughts, no, it brings back unmentionable things done to worms in the name of science!!!

In town passed publicity goings on for Animal Planet, loved the outfits, they were hovering around a black stretch limo, hardly planet friendly. Also, a new shop, Vivienne Westwood, never would have thought I`d ever see this in Newcastle, there were no customers in there, but it`s amazing that we`re in the running, must go in there sometime for a nose around, still can`t shake the memory of her wearing that green outfit with the fig leaf in front. Go girl for courage, I can`t see her ever farting about with tile prints at school.

Kate Adie book launch Into Danger (Miner`s Institute Newcastle upon Tyne)

Keith Armstrong at the Lit and Phil

Ann Sessoms at the Lit and Phil

Ann Sessoms Northumbrian Piper and Sheila Naughton (Senior Librarian and organiser of event)

C & K at the Space Centre

Been to Leicester working on another children`s rights event with sister in law A. It`s been great. This time it was held at the Space Centre. Travelled by train on Sunday, went straight to the building to set up, got back to the hotel at about 9.00p.m, then evening meal, as there were only 3 steaks left we had to slug it out between 15 of us, I got a steak. We ordered drinks, they only had one bottle of rose`, 4 bottles of Magners and a couple of lagers, nothing after that!!!!! E ordered risotto... when it came it looked more like porridge, M`s curry was bits of chicken sort of floating among the rice. Whilst waiting for my drink, I noticed a humpy backed beetle walking across the bar, when I drew this to the attention of the bartender he said

"Oh, I haven`t seen a one like that before."

So I concluded from this that there were many others of different varieties in the joint.

The building itself is of a gothic Victorian style, in fact it is used for murder mystery events, the advertising shows scenes which would not come amiss in an episode of Allo Allo. The furnishings in very dark wood, massive comfortable sofas, festooning morbidly decorated curtains and gold embellishments on the cornices and roses. There were two vicars in deep conversation when we got there, and at first I thought they were ready for a murder to begin, but no, actual vicars, talking about synods.

Needless to say I didn`t get a wink of sleep, left the curtains open and was up at 6.00am. Breakfast wasn`t much better than the evening meal. S and L ordered scrambled egg, when it was approaching I thought that there were herbs in it, no, it was burnt bits from the pan, when S queried it, the waitress said

"Oh, he does it in the wok."

I ordered a full English, the sausage was pink in the middle, didn`t dare comment in case I was murdered and used for the next play, but seriously, I once went out with a waiter, R, when a stroppy businessman complained about his steak, R brought it back, the chef tossed it around in a pan for a couple of seconds then gave it to R to take back. R stood at the door, tea towel over his arm, plate held aloft on four fingers of his left hand, lifted the steak with his right, spat under the steak and flourished out towards the customer. I have never complained in a restaurant since, but will not go back if I don`t like the meal.

The Space Centre was great, "One giant step for mankind" kept playing on our floor, Engineering, which drove us mad, but there were three guys dressed in stormtroopers suits with guns, C, a young lass on the team said

"I wonder what they look like under there."



Monday worked from 8.00 until 5.30, then straight for the train back which got into Newcastle at 10.00p.m. Just as we approached the station a message dotted across the display screen. Hard big bags must be put on the rack. So we are definitley back in Newcastle!!!

Took part in the poetry slam at the Cumberland Arms on Thursday, first time I`ve done this, quite scary, but great, some fabulous acts. Steve Urwin deservedly won, so accomplished and confident, need to take some hints. Lots of good inspiration at this event, surprised myself that I got to the semi final.

Still working on a memories book for People`s History on Benwell, where I grew up, I need 40,000 words and 180 photos for next July. This is something dear to my heart and top of my priorities at the moment, I always beat myself up since my Dad died nearly three years ago, I didn`t ask enough questions, hence I am knee deep in family history, ancestry projects and keeping the memories of our community alive.

Newcastle United Entrance song

Cruelty to Woodworms

Did my usual stint of logging photos and maps at the library in the village where I grew up. A couple of us got on talking about our childhoods, we remembered tops and whips, we used to decorate the tops with chalk. The string on the whip was wrapped around the top then spun till the little tip at the base got red hot, we used to chase after someone to burn them on the arm.

We got onto the subject of outside toilets, ours had a huge square wooden seat which was covered with woodworms and ponged of the killer lotion which minged with a creosote whiff. I used to bang on the seat, and when the worms popped their heads out I`d stick them with a pin. You may snear, but we didn`t have much money and had to invent our own amusements. I asked my husband D.

Y "Did you ever stick woodworms?"
D " No, I just wanted to have a shit and come out."

We called to friends S and M`s. M was trying to assemble a new computer desk, he left the drawers and doors on the floor with screw driver and other tools. We went into the dining room, D, S and me ate a lovely chicken dinner and veggie M ate salmon. Spent a lovely evening remembering when we used to go to Agistri for our holidays, that`s where we met M & S years ago.

The next day I gave them a call to say thanks for a lovely meal. M answered and asked

M "What time did you get home?"
Y "Around 12, but we watched Educating Rita."
M "I was up til 1.00 in the morning screwing."
Y "I really needed to know that...Oh..you mean the computer desk."

Son G returned from work, a workmate had looked at his identity fob and asked

"Young...... are you podgers son?"

G thought this was hilarious, but D didn`t. This is the drawback of working with your son, they get to know things which can be used at home for winding up purposes.

G (To the parrot) "Say Hello podger."

Listened to Century Radio on the way to work, a listener had called in to say that he knew of politicians dolls on sale in the U.S. He couldn`t quite see a Gordon Brown doll catching on here. Other dolls in the U.S include dolly birds style ones wearing mini skirts and gun holsters. When the radio presenter suggested a Mike Ashley one for Newcastle, would it sell? The caller answered "Only if it came with pins."

So a big bang didn`t wipe us all out. Reminded me of New Years Eve 1999, we were at a party with friends, everyone was gathered in a circle in the sitting room ready for Auld Lang Syne. We all speculated if the power would crash. Exactly on 12.00, the power all shut down, cries of "I don`t believe it" from the one foot in the gravers. Not one of us had noticed the host crouching in the understair cupboard ready to throw the switch, prat!!!!

Time passes so quickly, it just seemed like a year or so ago, and here we are on the verge of 2009, still, another year or two and we will have access to the next census. There`ll be more skeletons in the cupboard waiting for me to drag them out. My ancestors would be spinning in their graves if they`d known that future generations would uncover their closely guarded secrets.

Rage against the machine (Wake up)

Apple Pie

My brother D and sister in law have just returned from a trip to Norway aboard a massive boat.On the way there a crowd of excited young people talked and shouted. D & A went to check out their cabin, it was very small, they could hear the loud suction noises of the toilets from nearby cabins, just as they were grumping about this they heard the youngsters opening the door to their cabin "OOOOh isn`t this brilliant" It was at this moment that D and A felt their age. Noise went on for a bit longer, one girl shouted, "Have you heard It`s a man`s world by James Brown?" brother wanted to shout "Have you heard Shut the F*** up by the Nine Inch Nails. In spite of all this they loved Norway.


Just taken delivery of a new Canon printer from Bt online shop, got it £40 cheaper than prices at every company in Newcastle and Gateshead. Only one of the shop assistants informed us that the cartridges would only have a small ammount of ink in them, the others didn`t mention this. Five cartridges at £10.00 each, this should be pointed out to the customer. It seems to me a bit like saying to a person who needs a wooden leg "It`s extra for the foot." I`m very new fangled with new aquisition, it prints photos on top of CD`s and the quality of the prints are great. No doubt in a couple of weeks time it`ll be out of date, read somewhere that face recognition computers will be the next thing.

Watched an episode of Trinny and Susannah, they were at a factory trying to convince workers to have a dress up day. "Don`t just wear it for best" they say then D looks at me and sarcily says "No, just buy it and buy it and buy it and don`t wear it." But, I do hold my hand up for this, I am prone to buying because I like it, it may not like me. Can`t believe this fad for ra ra skirts in citrus colours. Saw a young lass in town wearing a lime green net one with matching rolled up socks and a huge head band which covered most of her forehead and hair. Does that show my age?

Have finally seen Hellboy 2, loved it so much want to see it again, the creatures are excellent,I really would have loved a job creating those. The German robot reminds me of Herr Flick in `Allo Allo. As usual the one liners are hilarious. A pixy, goblin thing with no legs riding on a bogey is tempted to reveal information with "I have a shiny belt" the reply is "I have no pants"

Couldn`t believe the speech by Palin in support of John Mccain, she seemed to me a little too Stepford Wifish, was she plugged in at the back. He`s picked her in the battle for female votes against Obama. John Irvine gave a great report. Palin was on stage and the camera panned to her husband and kids, Irvine said that he could just about smell apple pie. Then when hubby and kids joined their mother on stage "You would be forgiven for assuming that this was an episode of Family Fortunes." Now we hear that she has been the victim of sexism, could they be trying to take the hard edge off her after she referred to working moms as the "hockey moms". They may have a loose canon there, she`ll get carried along by her popularity.

Never mind what is happening in the rest of the world, flood, famine, war, Newcastle United has lost it`s fairy godfather, Kevin. Why is it that managers, Northern Rock included,waste money on the wrong things. Northern Rock was a profitable concern with supporters, management decided to blow the profits on a massive expensive new building. Newcastle United will not please the fans if management won`t invest in the right kind of players. It`s a bit like saying, I`ve got five pairs of shoes, I really need a new skirt, but I`ll have those green high heels instead. What a position for Keegan to be in, everyone would assume that he had made the choices and he would have been blamed, he had no option but to leave. You`re in the shite now Mike Ashley by preffering to hang onto your toady mate rather than the public`s choice of Keegan.

D was picking me up from work, but arrived early so he called in to Woolworth`s to kill some time. I`d asked him if he could pick up a Bobbi Thompson DVD as we only have it on video.

D "They didn`t have the Little Waster, so I got this instead."

holds out a copy of Lassie!!!!!!!!!

D " It was only a pound"
Y "That`s all it wants to be."


As I type this I can hear it on next door ****ing hell. A kid is saying in a whiny voice "Can I really keep him Mom" a red Indian is talking in his own language and the kid says "Thanks Mr Bald Eagle" then translates for his weakly portrayed women folk role Mom, she feebly puts her hand on his arm. then "Tommy, you rustle up some food and I`ll see about the fire." coming from a manly man wearing a checky lumberjack shirt. Now that`s what I call Apple Pie. Will we get to the Metro Centre today????

The music changes to Dan da dan dan....meant to be sinister "He was inside searching around snooping" "I only get a quarter and he gets half." "There`s two reasons why you won`t shoot me...it`s just a hunch....you haven`t got the guts." I can feel a purchase of something new coming on, retail therapy, nowt like it. Reminds me of a conversation

Y. "What`s the time?"
M "Cowboy time."
Y "What."
M "Den de Den, Den de Den" (slapping his thigh) It was ten to ten.

I hear "He don`t know these hills like we do." "It`s at the head of the canyon." and I`m reaching for my gun.

Fat Busters

A sofa advert has been on TV so much it is driving me loopy, the song by Nickelback is great, but one line had me flumoxed:-

"I want to buy a new house on an ??????? of ????? and a bathroom I can play baseball in"

Asked people at work and one guessed it said an episode of green (Meaning when you look out of the window there are fields) one thought Hollywood Hills.

Googled it and it`s an episode of Cribs, there`s a clip on youtube, apparently a send up comedy, shows Mohahmad showing a film crew around his house, his mother can be heard in the background shouting in her own language not to let anyone sit on the sofa, then she throws a slipper at him, he replies in arabic that she is showing him up, thousands of people will see him being hit by a slipper on TV, she then throws the other one and he stands there with a gormless smile. Worth a look. The houses are something also.

Another advert comes on, showing some muscle bound young man on a boat, shirt flapping around his 6 pack, D comments.

D "Well, that`s nowt, I`ve got a 40 pack."

G passes through on the way to the oven, observes D eating a bacon sandwich

G "Seeing to yourself again I see?"
D " You never make me anything so why should I.."
G "Yeah, Yeah, we know...Fat Controller."
D "And don`t you forget it!!!"

G grills bacon.

D "You haven`t put tin foil on it first."
G "I don`t want my food swimming in fat, so mind your own business."
D "It`s not you that has to clean the grill."
G "And it`s not you either, Mam does it."

The two of them put together wouldn`t make a good un.

Talking about fat, I was on Shields Road the other day and an advert in a shop window read Get your Fat Buster Tablets here. Then we can all go to the greasy spoons nearby and eat a beefburger. Apparently there`s a Fat Map now, which charts levels of obesity, we are the junk food generation, and Northumberland is the top of the league.

D and I were in another shop nearby, the assistant asked him

Asst. "Would you like a small bag?"
D "No thanks." (Looks at me) "I`ve already got one.")

It`s plain to see where G gets the cheek from.

Then we go looking for a small table for my Father in law, one of those wine style ones for him to keep a cup on. There are lots of similar styles, but D is nit picking over them, too big, too low etc, so we come away with nothing. Pa in law is happy downstairs in the care home, there are more visitors who all gather together and chat about this and that, we play his music and his feet tap to Seigfried Line and We`ll meet again. The residents all seem to be going somewhere, but they don`t know where. So sad to hear them asking when their parents are coming to take them home. We know when one old fella has been on the rounds, D`s Dad is usually sitting in his chair slipperless, then you spy the old man shuffling up the corridor with his cap and jacket on with about 5 pairs under his arm. B thinks he`s in a social club when everone assembles for lunch, goes around asking what they`d like to drink.


The postman arrives at the door with a pizza shaped box, it`s for G, D wonders what it is, but he has as much chance of finding out, as G takes it straight to his room.
The empty box is left and paper scattered around, I must remember the saying, Live long enough to be a problem to your children!!!

Later in the day, I gather up three pairs of shoes belonging to G and chuck them on the floor in his room, I spy a black rubber shape on the drawers. When I pick it up, it`s a Batman Mask $20. As G is out,has gone into toon to watch the Arsenal v Newcastle game. I can`t resist putting it on, D is downstairs quaffing cider and spits it out on my arrival as the masked crusader, minus the cape. We have a good laugh. He tries it on and we take photos of eachother in daft poses.

D "What does he want that for, and look what he`s paid for it!!! He`s mental."

My thoughts flip to caravan and boat, The caravan has never been anywhere and the boat rarely visited, I say nothing, kettle and pot as usual.

Watched The Naked Pilgrim hosted by Brian Sewell

B "I`ve got fresco neck, I have to take the back of my head and push it forwards." (Poor, poor, poor)
"This is a man`s job." (as he grapples for ages to take the cork out of a bottle)
He becomes "Very angry indeed" to be shown to a tourist attraction inside an old vaulted building where upside down horseshoes are carved into the stone, he`s appalled and suspects that locals have done this in an attempt to bring tourists "It`s comparitively recent graffitti hoping to attract idiot pilgrims like me. (You said it) Describes Lourdes as "Teeming with sick people and their carers, a cross between a hospital and a theme park. he is dismayed at the tacky shops selling St. Bernadette knickers, umbrellas, statues and plates. Moans at the tapestries " Just like the upholstery on Air Lingus."


But he does redeem himself at the end, after slating off the comercialism of Lourdes he speaks to a couple of women from Hartlepool who purely take the good out of the whole experience and their faith keeps them without malice. Then he observes the procession of the sick and dying past his hotel room and sheds a tear. Maybe he does just say things for a response, and there could be a soul inside there after all?

cat vs bull terrier you tube

Divn`t show is up

Finger Lickin` Good

Husband D is driving me to work, someone cuts him up, the usual fuck wit comments, wanker signals and spitting all over me as he does this. As he gets back on a par with the driver, he shouts "It`s a woman!!!" I ask why he never shouts "It`s a man" when they make mistakes, blank look. Chauvinism lives.

On the way back home after the shift, i jump the bus, an old woman sits down beside me, the smell of moth balls takes my breath away, didn`t know that people still use the things. Back in the fifties everyone suffered from a wang of eau de moth ball, come to think of it, haven`t seen many moths around lately, we are plagued by spiders, they are so big we can see the hairs on their legs. Our bull terrier used to eat them if he saw one scuttling over the laminate floor.

Amused to see a photo in one of the papers showing a burglar hanging upside down from a window, his foot had become caught and he hung there for an hour, good. I like to imagine what I would have done if I`d just got home and he was dangling in my house. "Oops, sorry, I`ve just broken your frigging leg as I was helping you down...oh no..now I`ve broken the other one, silly me." I wonder if he has back issues of Hang Glider monthly.

I also found a website on Stumble, alternative cards, maybe I could have sent the burglar a get well card

"I know your not feeling well, just try to see it as a rehearsal for death."

"I hope you get well soon, funerals depress the life out of me."

There`s currently a craze for songs which have a line which sounds like something else:-

Abba- Chikkitita tell me what`s wrong...
(Kick your teeth in tell me what`s wrong)

Phil Collins- She seems to have that invisible touch yeah
(She seems to have an invisible todger)

Attended the book launch of Christopher Brookmyre (A Snowball in Hell) What an excellent, hilarious talk. He apologised before starting that lots of strong language would be used, he has received letters from readers who accuse him of trying to look hard or cool, but he explained that the characters he writes about wouldn`t say "Bloody", if anyone wanted to leave before this began, he would understand. An editor noticed that one of his drafts contained 40 fucks, and suggested that he cut it to 15, Christopher couldn`t imagine which moron would say "You`ve got 16 fucks, you need to cut one out. Then maybe if an author hadn`t any swear words in his book, could he trade for some of his fucks, but if anyuone asked C for one of his fucks, he would say, no, sorry, I`m saving them up for a cunt.

There were no early leavers until C spoke of his grand surroundings for this launch at the Laing Art Gallery, usually he goes to book shops, one place he went to needed a code to get into the toilet, it was to prevent vandalism. Someone had left a warm chicken on the bench in there, apparently used it for sex. C said "Can they not cook, why don`t they do this in their own homes, maybe they just saw the chicken and needed it immediately, sort of gives a new meaning to boning a chicken." At this point a lone male got up and walked out. Maybe he found this distasteful. I couldn`t help but notice that it was the person who had attended a previous book launch where his wife told him off because he claimed the free raffle prize of a selection of books and he didn`t even have that number ticket!!!! So, better to be a thief than to listen to a dirty story???? Dishonest bugger, now that`s what I call distasteful.


I bought one of C`s books, Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks, it`s described as containing "Bad language, scatalogical humour, razor wit, convoluted plot with high readability" That`ll do for me. The talk was well attended and most people bought a book or three.

The Bridges over the Tyne

Times Gone By

Watched Who do you think you are, episode on Boris Johnson, and was prepared to have my thoughts that he is a plonker confirmed. His grandfather changed the surname from Kemal to Johnson. Phrases uttered during the programme included "It became symetrically necessary to demonise." "It`s punchy, it`s polemical" and "Wowee" His granny had always insisted that the family were decendants from royalty, Boris commented "Granny was right, we were wrong to sneer." Photos of a young Boris on a horse confirmed that he isn`t just wearing his hair tatty to appear eccentric, he`s always had it in that style, and his father sports the nutty professor coiffure too. By the end of the show, I quite liked good old Boris.

Went to Beamish for the day, it`s much improved, more trams and buses, they now have a masonic lodge and a Barclays Bank. I bought a ceramic ink well, need it for sod all, but it just brought back memories of school. Also a book,Whey Aye Man, It lists the usual translations for the Geordie dialect:-

"When a gor in last nite, a hoyed up on the nettie."
(I had too much alcohol last evening and consequently I was a little sick in the toilet.)

"Aave gor a gammy leg, ye knaa, so a cannit lowp aboot!"
(I will struggle to jump over that hurdle because I am a little lame.)

"Divvent let ya dog pittle on me grass!"
(Your Labrador has urinated on my garden, please do not let it happen again, thank you.)

There are old fashioned drawings, Little Jack Horner exclaims "Hev yee pinched aal the plums like?" Humpty Dumpty is lying broken, the soldiers are gathered around him holding pieces of egg...."A divvent knaa where this gans" "Gis it here man! Aa`ll dee it"...."Dee yee knaa wot he was deein?"...""Messin aboot on the waal so a hord like."

Loved the old songs in the book, Cushy Butterfield, Keep yer feet still Geordie Hinny and The Blaydon Races:-

I went to Blaydon Races
`Twas on the ninth of June
Eighteen hundred and sixty two
On a summer`s afternoon
I took the bus from Balmbra`s
And she was heavy laden
Away we went along Collingwood Street
To see the race at Blaydon.

A friend of mine IW, recently found some old photos of the street parties in 1962 in South Benwell for the celebrations of the centenary of the Blaydon Races, lots of familiar faces from the past. She also had a collection of Victory Tea party snaps from 1945, she loaned me them to scan for the archive at Benwell library.


It`s a well known fact that many Geordie`s finish off a sentence with the word "like". Sheryl on X Factor drives me mad, each performer who walks in "O yi Alreet like?" Don`t get me wrong I love our dialect and encourage it`s use, but it wears a bit thin when the same phrase is repeated so often, "Change the record Sheryl, yar a luvly lass utherwise pet."

There are old pit style houses at Beamish, colliery, farmhouse, geese, chickens and such. The old town pub, The Sun is now open for quaffing, but it`s tiny, reminds me of the Cumberland Arms. We ate shepherd`s pie and mushy peas in the old Co-op restaurant, there were old plants, water boilers and windows with the sash openings. The weather was lovely and families sat on the grass around the bandstand. The staff roamed around wearing Victorian dress. Kids tried to use the metal hoops in the school yard.

We called in on friends who live near the Bowes incline, M was cutting the grass on his bogey style lawn mower, needless to say D wanted a turn on it. M had spent most of his time mowing in a finely tuned circle, and D did curly Q`s over it, M too polite to say. S shouted us across for a cup of tea, so not too much damage done.

M "What di thi caal them things that run in front of ya car?"
D "Pheasants?"
M "Aye, a nearly knocked one down."
Y (Noticing his dog Jake snapping his teeth, arching his back and lurching along the grass) "What`s up with Jake?"
M "He`s gettin` randy, when I first saw him like that, I thought he was havin` a stroke."
S "Suppose he is, sort of."
M " Come and have a look at our new conservatwat."
D " It`s lovely, you get all the sunlight on this side of the house."

We sample some of S`s home made chocolate cake and talk about old times, nowt like it.

Gaffs

Must apologize for a glaring gaff made in my last post. I had keyed into Google, Photos of Brian Sewell, these I received together with photos taken by another Brian Sewell (Excellent, worth checking out) What a relief to know that Mr.Snotty Sewell is as we all suspected,only capable of ripping to bits the talented. But some good comes from every mistake, I received a message from fat frumpy and fifty blogger, who was surprised that "pompous" Brian had it in him, happily it turned out that he didn`t on further checking on my part. Her blog has fabulous photos and a great vintage company is advertised and run by her. She is living in Cumbria, small world, my Gt Grandfather on my mothers side came from Wigton, and many others from Stanwix and Carlisle.

Two old pals called around this morning. A bit of planning wouldn`t have gone amiss, but, as usual, the night before, I`m either on the computer, reading, ripping up old crap or moving things in the cupboard from one place to the other trying to give the illusion of "More space". Even if I had decided on the clothes I will be wearing for the next day, knowing my fat record, trying things on I like but don`t like me, fat cow.

But no..... sitting with a glass of wine, yeah, yeah, it`ll be ok, I`ll get up early and make a start, they`re not arriving until 10.00am, plenty time, the house is like shitsville, no matter, Mrs. Superefficient will be on top form? Rab C Nesbitt is on and I can`t bring myself to go to bed until it`s finished around 11.40. So, consequently I`m knackered at 7.30 the next day. Start by stuffing anything and everything into cupboards, which I know that sometime next week, I`ll be looking for said objects. I put lamb and onions in the creuset pan in the oven, the vegetables are peeled, swiff over the floor and I`m sitting on the computer as if that was all I`d been doing all morning, sweating like a pig is the dead giveaway.

However in control I appear to be I burn the carrots. Son G is on a day off and swans through

G " Burnt the carrots again?"

I had cooked dinner on Monday and burnt them, but thanks for the reminder. And luckily friends have brought strawberries and fresh cream, just as well as all I had in was yoghurt.

It`s pissed down all day, D is on a days leave tomorrow, we had planned to go to the boat, but we hear on the radio that the A69 is flooded, so maybe a trip to the tip with more crap, something exciting like that? Not.

Pals give me a lift to Gosforth Library where I meet friends S and K. Henry Charlton is promoting his book Travels in a Bygone Age, He came well prepared, with photos from his travels in Rhodesia, Bombay and Canada, he is saddened by the change of governments, recalls his work as a structural engineer. One account of a near death experience where a gun was held to his temple, poisonous snakes etc. Suddenly my burnt carrots pale into insignificance.

D and I get back home and there is a message from his father`s nursing home, what has he been up to we wonder. Last message we received he had smuggled a knife into his trouser pocket after lunch, used it to loosen the screws on the door to the corridor, escaped downstairs, then took the screws off the fire escape door, he was on his way out when the alarm bell sounded and they caught him. This was more serious, if that`s possible, he had been punched in the face by another resident.We must have him moved to the downstairs section, it appears more calmer there with more staff. The more I see of such places, it`s definitely going to be a cyanide pill from the internet for me.

Naked truth

Just got back from Benwell Library, been helping out listing old photos and maps. Called in to one of those cheap shops that sell everything from scourers to food to furnishings. In the toy section, a chain saw complete with pretend blood on the blade, yuk. But I did watch Hellboy last night on channel 5, excellent film, but some gory bits,the Nazi metal faced character who can flick blades from his arms was chopping down everyone in sight. Great line from Hellboy himself "I`m fireproof." New film out on 20th Aug, must go to see that.

Also worth watching was Queen and Paul Rodgers in concert, that Paul is still a sexy sod. I remember before we were married, D and I went to see him when he was with Free at Newcastle Guildhall, it was the early 70`s. By contrast Pompous Sewell (Catchphrase:- "It`s hideous.") is in a programme soon to be screened The Naked Pilgrim, a clip shows him, back view, showing off his skinny middle class arse, stepping into the sea. He once visited Newcastle and they took him to The Strawberry pub near the football ground, needless to say he found fault with most things here. Let`s hope that he keeps his strawberry well covered during the show, now that would be hideous. He`s actually a good photographer, check out sewellphotos.com/blog

Sewell did say that he was impressed by Geordie pride. It`s always commented upon, the Geordie hospitality and friendliness. But, my sister in law told me about a poor woman who collapsed during Bingo recently. The crowd became angry when the game was stopped for the ambulance crew to take her away. So, nowt`s changed from the good old knitting around the guillotine times.

My bulk mail has increased, probably due to the time I spend online. The usual replica handbags, watches and erectile pills adverts

A lad in a Micky Mouse suit was hauled away with his arms behind his back by police in Disneyland Los Angeles. His crime, protesting against the latest pay deal from Disney`s. Accomplices included Tinkerbell, Snow White and Cinderella. They are now in negotiations with the union.

Son G came in the backdoor and went straight up to his room without a by your leave, kiss my arse or even a commoner gardener hello. I assumed he was still up there and shouted G, the bird answered "Wo". G had pissed off out the front door.

D "He treats this house like a bloody hotel."

Bedding is changed again,so must warn D that G may be entertaining again, just in case he runs from the bathroom doing a Sewell.

Greedy Gets

IW "Where does D want to go tonight?"
y "IW wants to know where you want to go tonight."
D "Jarrow slacks."
Y "He said Jarrow Slacks."
IW "What!!! ask him if he wants to go to town."
Y "Do you want to go to town?"
D "Sgt Peppers?"
Y "We`ll just go local, see you at 7.30."

As we leave the house, G is cooking for girlfriend E. He is making a selection of stuffed things and a giant pizza.

Back from the pub at 11.30, D notices pizza on a tray. As there is no note saying that we can eat it, I leave well alone, D helps himself. 5 minutes later, G surfaces from his room.

G "You greedy sod, you`ve eaten all 6 pieces, right well I`m having one of your bottles of wine!!!" Then goes back to entertaining.

The next night D catches G sloping off with one of his bottles of beer.

D "Put that back."
G "You nicked my pizza, so I`m having this."
D "You`ve already taken a bottle of wine, Twat."

Kettle and pot.

The bird is still biting G, slyly and very gently holds his claw out as if he wants to sit on his hand, then holds on tightly while he bites. Chico has learned a whole new set of words. "Come on, come`ere....ow,ow....Hi NO...stop biting."

While picking up leaflets of interest, noticed a free magazine Mature Times, adverts include hearing aids, adjustable beds, you can win a one in a competition and insurance ads featuring Michael Parkinson. Bolton Council is issuing pensioners with cat bells to hang on their bags to ward off thieves. Yeah, like that`s going to work, they won`t be able to hear them for rap music on their ipods. Lots of advice on parkinson`s disease and other illnesses. But seriously, some very good advice on gardening, insurance and trips.

Was also approached with a free sample of pro age cream, while I`m anywhere for a little apple with freebies, I felt a bit afronted to be recognised as a wrinkly.

Another sign of ageing is having to get out of bed to go to the loo, at 4.00am, I return to bed after such a visit to find D is sprawled all over my side. Why didn`t you just climb onto his side? I hear you ask. Well I would, but his snoring pipe is laying a trail over there too. So I push him aside, he wakes up and says "I`m awake now, we might as well get up." There`s no way I`m joining him, so I sleep in until 9.00.

Enjoyed the book launch of The Great North Road by Annabel Dore`. An excellent talk on how she gets the inspiration to write, she imagines a door from her past, opens it and experiences the sights, sounds and smells of the past, good tip. She enquired of the audience if anyone else does this, and what things spark memories. An old lady said

"I remember that film about a stripper..she was a gypsy...but I can`t remember the name of it." Someone shouts out Gypsy Rosa Lee. There is singing and food, a really good afternoon.

Karen Joy Fowler was also at Gosforth Library promoting her new book, she is known for The Jane Austen Book Club which was recently made into a film. She informs us about a case on The Donner Party a group of people in America who were caught in a snow storm, they had passed mountains, and only had one more to go, they didn`t realise they were so close to their destination, so stayed put, but the weather got worse and they stayed the winter out, they eventually resorted to eating eachother. Her latest book The Case of the Imaginary Detective makes reference to this. Kind of gives a new meaning to Donner kebabs. I try to imagine the scenario if D and G were holed up together

"No,you lopped off a leg last time so I`m eating your arse."

Well, better go and make something to eat before the greedy gets come home.

It`s T- Raining Men

Read about a bloke called Sam Pyle (Ironic name) he won an award for the Hairiest Man (El Hairio)looks like a long pile carpet. Also Kevin Pietersen, the South African born cricketer has shaved off his astro turf badger style.


Got on the bus at 10.30am, a can of Carling rattling around under the seats, then at the Newcastle United football ground stop, a young lad got off snapping the ring pull on another.

Made it to Laboca Art Cafe, told B about the four hole salt sellars provided by Norwich Council to fish shops.

B " You pick on a granny with no salt on her salad and you`d get hit with her false teeth and slip on her curler!"
The conversation got around to husbands, and what we`d do if we didn`t have the ones we`ve got.

DK. "If I had another man I`d have to train him and it would take too long."
B "If you got a younger one, he could train you."
DK "He`d have to have his own teeth and hair."
B "How many men have you had with wigs?"
DK "He`d also have to be good at DIY and not fat, but really, I couldn`t be bothered with another man, even if he had gold bars hanging from his bollocks."
B "Have you seen Ann Foster`s painting of four fat blokes?"

We look at her catalogue, love the people dancing ones, full of movement and depth, but I`m not too impressed with the trees ones, a little flat and too expensive.

Y " And what about Judy Finnegan`s hairstyle, the raggy style just makes her look scraggy. He`s a bit childish, that Richard, she`s such an intelligent woman, I bet she cringes at some of the prattish comments he makes. He asked a woman guest "Really like the dress, is it Chinese silk?" answer "I don`t know."

B had been to the gym and proudly told us of his inverted nipple, he was admiring the nipple erection on the other one in the mirror.
B " If you wanted a breast implant, what style would you have."
Y "Not a Jordan, that`s for sure."
B " Nipples the size of your nostrils, high ones, low ones?"

Y "We`re happy with our fried eggs, we`ll have a top up of coffee,and try not to be slower than a laplanders travelling sledge."


It`s pissing down outside when we leave, no umbrella, and I have the cheek to comment on the raggy scraggy look.

India

Acid bath

Just discovered a brilliant site, Stumbleupon, information on anything and everything. Did you know that Norfolk council has distributed 200 salt shakers with less holes (4), at a cost of £450, to fish shops in their area in a bid to encourage folks to consume less salt. Rightly or wrongly if I`m eating chips I need a coating of salt and vinegar, apparently we should all have 6g max per day. A spokesman for the, wait for it, Federation of Fish Friers commented that people would only stand there longer, and that it was a complete waste of money, well said. On the same site, joke adverts, my favourite..Lego Snacks...you shit bricks.

Son G returned from the Metro Centre with a carrier bag:-

D "What have you got in there?"
G " I`m not telling you because you`ll say "You paid WHAT for THAT."
D " What did you pay then?"
G (Yawns) "£50"
D "£50?"
G "Yeeeeees, £50, we can`t all shop at George." (Takes flimsy black T shirt from the bag)
D "I could get 8 shirts for that."
G "Yes, probably made in Taiwan, cost 50p and the workers get 1p."
D "Clever Dick!"

G goes to talk to Chico our parrot, he listens, then when G tries to encourage him to sit on his hand, he`s bitten, really hard, but doesn`t draw blood.

G "You little twat."
D "Don`t swear, he`ll pick it up."

Read a clip in the Mail, John Haigh put the bodies of his victims in an acid bath to get rid of the evidence. He was caught because one of them had gallstones which stayed. He was hanged in August 1949. (Obviously didn`t know about bifidus regularis, how many more bogus names can advertisers come up with to brainwash us into buying their products?) So the lesson we must all learn from this...If your going to murder anyone and dispose of the body using acid, make sure they don`t have gall stones. Which reminds me, I also read somewhere that if you put a piece of steak into a bowl of Coke, it will be gone in 2 days, must try Coke in the toilet, save on cleaner.

Went to The Cluny today for the first time, tried the spicy parsnip soup, delicious. Very impressed with the place, lovely old building, friendly staff, good service and food. Must try their strawberry beer next time.

It`s years since I went into a loo with graffiti on the walls:-

1. The platitude that serves us today serves us tomorrow.
2. Today is the tomorrow that they promised us yesterday.
3. As above, so below, as within, so without. (What!!!)
4. I love Will Mapplebeck.
5. I so love Ben, he makes my life complete. (Huey)

Has anyone got a spare acid bath?

Pieces I`ve ate

The parrot has had his first taste of flesh. Brother D and sister in law A were round last night, my son and daughter in law P & B home for the weekend and everyone merry with much quaffing of ale. Chico flew into the kitchen and engaged in his party trick, throwing a selection of spoons onto the floor then watching sideways on as they hit the floor. When he flew back to his cage, brother D made the mistake of trying to put his finger through the bars, birdie drew blood, then as D was telling him off with his nose a little too close for comfort, he hooked his beak into the soft undersides of D`s nose, then fluffed himself up making clucking noises. Fascinating how much blood. He`s also gnawed his way through two wooden toys held up by string.

Chico has also developed a liking for Dusty Springfield hits, swings and sways around to Stay A While and I Only Want to be with You. Bought it at Woolworth`s for £2.97. odd price.

Driving to work 6.45 Friday morning, not far from the house, a tiny black poodle was running on the road towards us, soaking wet, obviously lost, I asked husband D to pick it up and put it in our kitchen until we got back from work. He refused "We`ll be late for work." I explained that I would find out where it was from, but no,he thought that once it was in our house, if nobody claimed it that I`d want to keep it. Told sister in law A, she agreed with me, poor animal, wonder where it is now, hope he didn`t get run over.

I suspect that eldest son G has a girlfriend. Telltale signs:-

1. Asked me where I worked (Been in this job for 4 years)
2. 2 bottles of Rose in the fridge. (He usually nicks ours)
3. Room is tidy and bedding changed.
4. Asked if we would be going out on Saturday night.

Husband D has just downloaded Geordie`s Lost His Liggy for a ring tone, I`m well pissed off because I have a crap phone which hasn`t enough memory, had previously tried to use Auf Weidershen Pet song. He`s playing it to the bird. He`s got one of the Blackberry phones which he never uses, charges it up every night, won`t swap with mine.

Charity begins at home

Needed to pick up a photo from Venture Photography on Gosforth High Street, decided to take a look in a charity shop. I spied a skirt and proceeded to the dressing room (A kind of cupboard with a curtain)Outside the curtain and flapping around in front of it was a toddler, his mother kept repeating his name, so I knew that the little darling was Benedict.

Benedict: "Mummy, can I take a look at that bloke up there?"
Mummy: "You mean the Action Man on the shelf.....excuse me could we see that? (To the assistant?"
Assistant: "Of course....how old is he?"
Mummy: "He`s nearly three, aren`t you?"
Benedict"Look at my nipper grabber"

He continued to bash up against the curtain, and as the cubicle was near the door, I had visions of everyone on the high street catching an eyefull, but I was intrigued, what was a nipper grabber? It turned out to be a kind of plastic scorpion contraption, when he pulled it the pincers worked.

I bought the skirt, it was only £2.50, a real bargain, and a triumph for recycling. I tell myself this, but I really need to stop buying and clear out half of my wardrobe, It`s definitely an obsession this bargain hunting.

Last summer I helped out at the Ofsted Children`s Rights Conference. The workers were all assembled in the marquee, two massive helium bottles were being used to blow up balloons, when one of them ran out D asked if anyone knew how to change the regulator. M stepped forward confidently, pulled the top off it and the most excruciatingly earsplitting wheeeeeeeeeeee came exploding out, he then dropped the bottle and legged it. It scared the shit out of everyone so we all split to the four winds. Have you ever ran as fast as your legs can carry you ,but you appear to be going nowhere fast? Bravely D ran back inside and shut it down, meanwhile I stood by my cowardly self until everything had died down. I had visions of the bottle going into a tail spin and ripping through the tent.

We were all given walkie talkies, everyone`s worked except the one which was given to the team I was in (wouldn`t you just know) A high wind got up and we could hear team 4 shouting for help, their tent was on the way skywards and they were holding onto the tent pegs. J and I sent T as he was the only man, good excuse. It was a great day, the children who attended went on the free rides and gained lots of prizes, so in spite of everything else, I was willing to go again this year.

Needless to say, M was obviously going to be up for some stick at this year`s fun day. "keep him away from the balloons" that kind of thing. We travelled by train and went straight to Drayton Manor fun park, sorted out the resources ready for the next day and were at the hotel for around 9.30. Had a fabulous evening meal and loved my bedroom, looked out of the window where a golf course was in view. I was amazed to see the green covered in balls, I thought people pinched them. Mentioned this to sister in law A

"Oh, nobody does, they all have printed on them STOLEN FROM ******* HOTEL"

No hassle this time, so I`m in for next year if needed.

The detective working on the Darwin case has warned everyone "Don`t even think about doing a Darwin.!" They hadn`t quite cracked the "Lying low because we`re criminals." concept. It was bound to have gone pear shaped in the end, but how`s that for irony...setting up a canoe company? I suppose it would have worked if he hadn`t taken out a library ticket, couldn`t they have bought books at a charity shop with all the money they had? But they obviously believe that charity begins at home, pity that they didn`t include their own sons in this philosophy.

Ten by Ten at the Cumberland

It was my first attempt at the Ten by Ten event at the Cumberland Arms (Ten performers have ten minutes in which to sing, dance or read their work)I had practiced my routine, but found that on the night needed to refer to my notes, I wore my paisley pinny and turban which I had made. What an act to follow, Gerard Rudolf, a fine poet and storyteller, I was second, which was good for me in another way as I was really feeling nervous, I`d be able to relax afterwards. The acts were of a really high standard and I was really pleased with the response I received (Even when I forgot some of my words)

Lots of things go on in the rest of the building, a skiffle group plays catchy tunes like Don`t bring Lulu and Roll out the barrel, there were Morris dancers and accordian players in another room, it`s been packed the couple of times we`ve been in the audience, and they have bands playing throughout the week.

As I had been on strike Wednesday and Thursday, I took the day off on Friday to travel with my friend KW, who I have recently caught up with again after losing touch with eachother in 1973. She had moved away to go to university and as people do, we got absorbed into our own lives.At an old school reunion last November, someone had her telephone number, so I rang and as a result she has stayed with us a couple of times.

We drove down to Suffolk where she now lives and I spent from Friday until Tuesday visiting market towns in the area, eating home grown and cooked food, looking at old photos and her art work. I have always drawn first, then got frustrated when I apply the paint to find that it hasn`t turned out quite how I envisaged. She starts with colour, and sometimes doesn`t know at the beginning what she will create, a much more imaginative way to work, I`ll certainly try that.

She had always been a fan of retro fashions, we used to make our own clothes, only she was a perfectionist, tacked and took her time, whereas, I had to have the creation on that night, so hence one puffed sleeve and one floppy one, we used to trawl the jumble sales, seek out a nana`s festooning skirt, cut the waist band off and lay a pattern on it, and there we had another dress.

KW has an impressive garden with summer house, beautiful plants and a water barrel and pump which two local cats frequent as their watering hole. A ginger cat and a smoky grey one, the grey one has a cropped tail, he`s called Arthur, so they have dubbed him Arfur-tail (Half a Tail, ha ha) He was lying on the path on his back and K said "Look at him sunning his bollocks, only he hasn`t got any now."

We toured the retro shops looking for necklaces and ear rings, went to a place called Snape Maltings which used to be an old brewery near the river, but the buildings have been turned into art and craft galleries and a museum, the old buildings are fabulous.

Came back on the train. K dropped me at the station where I took a train to Peterborough, then went first class from there to Newcastle, not a way I usually travel, it was such a fabulous way to go. A single window seat with a little table,fabric place mat, ceramic cup and saucer, sugar bowl. A trolley came around with sandwiches,crisps, fruit juice, cake and coffee. I was even asked if I wanted a top up. I could get used to this, but unless I win the lottery....

Caught up with my ironing today and as I was flicking through the channels, stumbled on the God Channel, a bloke was telling people in the audience that God was working on people with lung problems today,(God had told him this) so he was inviting anyone up on the stage if they had asthma, bronchitis or lung cancer to be cured. This was going on in Florida. A man got up and stated that he had asthma for 20 years and it was now gone. An assistant stood behind him, and when the "healer" touched his forhead, he blanked out backwards into his arms. Healer told the people "Cynical people don`t last long, happy people do." He did this kind of Harry Potter movement as if he had a wand in his hand, directing his "energy" towards a nana on the stage, she flipped over onto the people sitting down in their seats.

Went into town, called in to Art Cafe, and B was on top form, asking all of the women in there how old they were, he was the youngest at 45. I told him that he was the young chicken and we were the old roosters, he said "I don`t know about a young chicken, more like an old cock." I was trying to see a detail on a photograph and asked him if he had a magnifying glass, he replied "Why, is it that long since you`ve seen your husband`s apendage?" He brought me a pair of jam jar bottom glasses and I still couldn`t see. As I wasn`t with friend D today, he asked "Where`s all fur coat?" He should be on the stage, but then he wouldn`t be able to pretend that he`s working, as he does now in his own cafe`.

Talk Titanic

I really do love travelling by bus, the interesting people makes up for the usual sausage roll remnants on the floor and the occasional rolling pop bottle which nobody wants to pick up, it becomes quite musical after a while.I imagine many a budding Mozart will have composed his masterpiece on such journeys.

Met an old fella struggling into his seat at the back of the bus, he sat opposite me, he smiled through a sigh. I asked him if he came into town for shopping every day. His wife had suffered a brain haemorrage seven years earlier and was left disabled in a wheelchair, she`d been in a coma for 6 months, he looked as if he`d been through the mill. It turned out that Mr. C had lived in Frank Street Benwell, where my husband was born and we started exchanging the surnames that we remembered, memories of the old outdoor toilets, woodworm and pitch darkness when sitting on the throne. He laughed when he remembered one night on returning from the pub, a little the worse for drink, he`d stumbled into the outdoor toilet, it was the middle of winter, the toilet bowl shattered, floods of water cascaded out, he couldn`t unloose the catch (sneck) on the door and was soaked.

Mr. C went on to talk of old neighbours, one old lady had taken care of a relative`s belongings after she died, a bag among the possessions had boarding pass, tickets and things left from the Titanic, she had survived the sinking. I asked what happened to it, he said regretfully, they had thrown it all in the bin.....what!!!!!
It wasn`t of interest to them back then. What a character, I really enjoyed my journey, he thanked me for an interesting chat.

Later that night, switched on Tv The Last Mystery of the Titanic is showing on Discovery Knowledge, the camera follows into the boat deck level, staircase and down to E deck. I ponder at where the old lady was in all of this.

Wife in the North by Judith O`Reilly

Just got back from a brilliant evening at Blackwell`s Book Shop in Newcastle City Centre. The book launch of Judith O`Reilly

"Maybe hormones ate her brain. How else would Judith`s husband persuade her to give up her career and move from her beloved London to Northumberland with two toddlers in tow?"

I discovered her blog by word of mouth from my friend Kate, and became hooked. I am a blogger myself since my daughter in law Bobbi set one up for me. She had started blogging since she and my son were on honeymoon two years ago. And, now that I`m addicted, if there is any way that I can pass on the obsession, I`m in. I asked a friend, Mick if he had a blog and he answered

"No, but I`ve got a sister in the Russian Navy...what is a blog?"

It does seem like savage amusement at times, what to leave in and leave out, but now that I have advice from an expert, I`m going to start blogging my poems, here goes.

Love

You never lower the toilet seat,
The toothpaste lidless lies.
Junk pressed into the pedal bin,
Attracting all the flies.

You never fold the paper,
The news is back to front.
And when I ask a question,
All I get`s a grunt.

Where is the washing basket?
You can`t locate it`s base.
Wet towels upon the bathroom floor,
It`s one big paper chase.

The cups bear penicillin,
The plates are welded high.
Pizza, burger, Macky Dees,
Baked beans, Kentucky Fry,

There`s just one thing I`d like to say,
Before my time is done,
"I`ve loved you more than life itself
because you are my son."

Well, that`s one of the collection so far, I`m part of the line up of performers at The Cumberland Arms, Ten by Ten evening where ten people perform ten poems in ten minutes. It`s next Thursday at 8.00 and will be really scary for me, hope it goes down well. Most of my poems are in Geordie dialect, I`ll be wearing a paisley pinny and a turban, copied from my mother.

Divn`t Show Is Up

Me Muther wore a turban,
Of workin class design,
She`d wear a paisly pinny
Peggin washin on the line.

The front door step was gleamin,
Scrubbed with lovin care.
She used a slab of donkey stone,
STEP ON IT IF YI DARE.

The Provi man would visit,
The interest rate was high,
Twenty Bob, aal you`d need
Helped yi to get by.

Ee Peggy, here`s me Provi
(I`d duck me heed in shame)
We`re gannin doon ti Farnon`s,
Ee well I`m deein the same.

We`d board the bus,
Gaan ti the toon.
Aw Mam, divn`t tell them aal,
For God`s sake keep it doon!

There might be kids from doon wor street,
Thinkin that we`re poor,
Aa cannit hold me heed up,
So can yi please giv oower?

Calm doon pet,me Muther said,
Cheer up and have a laugh.
They`re aal nee better than yersel,
We`re aal in the same tin bath.

I asked Judith O`Reilly if I should put my poems on the blog, and she gave me the thumbs up to have a go, so thanks again Judith for an inspirational evening, keep up the good work kid.

Toe Nail Clippings

Read in the paper that toe nail clippings are up for analysis to assess the risk of women who could develop heart disease, they checked out 62,500 nurses. It showed double the level of nicotine in those with heart disease than in those without. So, that`s a relief, I`m pleased I`m a non-smoker, didn`t fancy the idea of a complete stranger sifting through my trimmings and putting the results into a plates of meat survey.


At the bus stop I overhear a conversation by a man in the company of three ladies. "They`re ganna take 60% of me wage, the CSA is after is. She said I`d smashed up her house, she`s got the kids to say ah did it as well, ah was having a can of lager. Ah give `er £40 oot o` me money,and ah only get £149. Ah see the kids once a week and she`s after stopping me seeing them."

I always sit in front of someone who is sneezing, then I`m too embarrassed to move, I continue reading the paper, trying not to breathe too often. The Encounters page is always of interest, the terminology fascinates me.

Creative spiritual and fun...wanted someone to "Tango through life with him"

Decent chap...described himself as "with broad shoulders, seeks someone into politics and rock n roll"

Willowy woman of 58 who describes herself as "Tactile" and her address was Beds, Bucks

A "Miss Bossy Boots" who is a dreadful SOH (Whatever that is) "Looking for an educated eccentric with which to live life to the edge"

Absolute male...."Abstract artist, 46 gifted looks" (Ha) "seeks highly stimulating, gorgeous female for friendship and relationship

And lastly, a "Well seasoned, energetic ex chef"

Some other snippets of interest noted:-

A retired soldier who lives in a man made hut on Skye and travels by canoe to collect his pension.

A man who had an argument with his wife in the 1980s, lived in a tree for 15 years, he came out ok during the 1999 cyclone that felled trees and killed thousands.

And a bald eagle that lost it`s beak after being shot now has a replacement artificial one, of nylon composite to help it to eat, well I never.

In town, the stag and hen parties are starting early, the best dressed were these lads in superhero, caveman and other character suits. I only meant to take a photo of the caveman, and the others joined in, sorry that I didn`t get an e mail address to post it to them, it came out rather well.

Our parrot Chico is extending his vocabulary, we have stopped watching the F Word which features Gordon Ramsay. We have given him a new bell which he enjoys thwaking against the cage, then he lets it slow down, positions his head so that he gets a scratch.

The other day I was sitting at the computer, a loud bang on the patio door, and as I looked onto the path, there was a kestrel, looking startled, then it rose up and I noticed it had a kind of rat thing at the end of it`s claws. And today when I opened the curtains, a stack of pigeon feathers were scattered around the garden, it`s on the hunt.

Pretending to Buy a Car

Bulk mail has now infiltrated my inbox..."Don`t look fat and stupid this summer" Thanks for the reminder. I`m now receiving up to 18 a day.

Stopped off at a service cafe on the motorway, £23 for two salads, 2 coffees (the most disgusting I`ve ever tasted) and two bottles of orange juice. As we ate two women walked past us on the way out, caught a snippet of conversation "That was the most disgusting coffee I have ever tasted".

We spent time at a friends caravan, husband D opens the door steps inside and stands there like a doll in a cuckoo clock as I pick out the bags. We go into Penrith to a great Mexican restaurant and go to see Sex in the City. As usual we are first there, a tall pony tailed man is marching back and forwards using his mobile, saying "Australia, deadlines and low budget film next time" quite a lot. He gives instructions to a gormless looking assistant who swings her legs on a tall stool next to the popcorn machine. By this time there are about twenty of us waiting to go in. The crowd for Indiana Jones are leaving, and Ponytail appears at the top of the stairs and announces

"Anyone for Sex and the City will you come upstairs" someone laughs

There are some great one liners, a bit too long, and very decadent. I saw a picture of the four of them at the premier, none of them wore a pair of shoes under £400, I could replace my whole wardrobe for that!!!

Back home, D has arranged for new fencing to divide the back garden to make the car port larger next to the garage. He stands at the kitchen window watching them work, and occasionally pops out to ask a question. When they have finished, I tell D that it looks wonky, he gets out his spirit level and announces that it`s a quarter of an inch out, yeah... of course it is. I`m not to bothered because I`ll plant Clematis in front of it, just have to ignore it for a couple of years until it grows over.

Bearing in mind that it had been raining, the men had retreated to their van a couple of times, as soon as they leave D gets out his spray creosote machine, thingymagig. He is out there for a couple of hours and the wood looks a bit darker, but most of it spirals in puff balls over the fence. He is wearing his new jeans, I can tell because he still has the long sticky tape strip(which tells you what size they are) he`s also wearing new shoes!!!! the tea shirt, I`m not bothered about the T shirt becoming creosoted, it`s his black one with a white trim around the neck, makes him look like a vicar, always hated that one.

D is contemplating buying a new car, so rather than go with him, I read the paper. I smile as I remember when our lads were younger, D would say "I`M GETTING A NEW CAR" We would be all breathless stir, spend half a day trawling around the showrooms, then he would back out. The kids used to call it "Dad`s pretending to buy a car"

The photo shows the beginnings of the new library, even the pigeons don`t know where to sit anymore. He looks like he`s missing the old building too.

Recycling

The council is snooping in folks`s rubbish bins now, they want to know how much food people are chucking out, apparently picking out random homes such as university students. Why are they pretending that its to improve on their knowledge of recycling, they will penalise those who don`t recycle. Don`t know if it`s true, but councils are accused of just selling all the recycle resources to China anyway. They are going to educate us on the findings of their research, how to be responsible citizens, well I`d like to see what the council wastes, and i`d like to bet it`s hell of a sight more than your average Joe Soap.

I`m amazed at the husband who took his wife back after she took out a loan for home improvements, £4,500 to have him bumped off by a hit man. Sort of gives a new meaning to home improvements, I suppose that for her the home would be better without him. Or maybe she just imagined that she was doing her bit for recycling.

There`s going to be a 4 day walk out by oil tanker workers, oh great, just when we`d planned to go straight from work tomorrow hoping to stay until Monday with son P and daughter in law B. Apparently, the men are angry at having 13% pay rise rejected, they say that they earn the same as they did in 1993. We`ll still chance it, so fingers crossed!!!!!

And another thing, I`m really missing our Central Library, it was knocked down to rebuild and the new one won`t be ready until 2009.

Snippets of Conversation

The most amusing things are heard just in passing, I was on the escalator in John Lewis behind an old couple, she turned to him and asked
"Did you see that woman looking at those Jimmy Shoe Choos?" he didn`t answer her.
Also, those sum it up one liners on people`s tee shirts....a friend`s husband saw one reading "George Bush family butchers

Watching a programme on the artists Gilbert and George, their singing sculpture, the music was Underneath the Arches which brought back memories of an art class I once went to. At the Christmas party everyone brought food and three older ladies brought home brew rice wine. It was pretty potent stuff, and I overheard two of them whispering together "We`ll be alright as long as she doesn`t sing Underneath the Arches!" I had forgotten about this snippet of conversation, until later in the evening I heard this quivering high pitched rendition of the arches song. She was indeed two sheets to the wind and this must have been the signal to which the pals were alerted for to carry out a disappearing act with her.

Back to Gilbert and George....they were covered in bronze body paint with coloured spots over the top, a little like traffic lights, they were still in their suits standing on a table. They took turns to get down from the table to rewind the tape recorder. One of them held a rubber glove and the other one had a green walking stick, halfway through, they changed over.Is there something I`m not getting here?
And what about these adverts showing sofas being chain sawed in half, some kid is going to watch that and take a kitchen knife to the family sofa "Oh, that`s a good idea, mam`s always saying how she would like to change the furniture around"

I was on the bus in front of two men and heard this snippet
"I`m always looking for photos of myself when I had hair and I can`t find any."
I never get bored on bus journeys, there`s so much to hear and see. I passed a barber shop the other day, the name Van Gogh, had to laugh, the amount of times hairdressers have snipped at my ears.

A Place of One`s Own

D is watching a John Wayne cowboy film, he falls asleep, the minute I switch channels he shouts. "I was watching that!" "Oh yes." I say "So what was it about." "I know what it`s about, ok, just put it back on the channel." then dozes off again. I flip to another channel in time to hear Jonathan Ross say to Julian Clary "So you were held to wansom" they are speculating whether he would have been tortured on his visit to Russia when he accompanied a gay rights activist. I decide to stay tuned as Sting is on next. Having watched my choice I am in time to turn back to D`s channel as he wakes up again. This time, there is another John Wayne film on, they are aboard a WW2 battle ship, they are saying things such as.
"Pass the word to abandon ship." "Fire over her bow" "Clear the bridge" "Report to the bridge" "Take a star shell over her" "Here`s our log, take it to your captain" "I think they`re going to ram us sir." Yawwwwwwwn. I switch again, he complains once more that he was "Watching that" but when I again question him on the content, he reports dialogue from the cowboy film.

Chico, our parrot lands on the computer desk, and as he is on the edge, he uses the radio aerial to hold himself upright, there are little beak dints all over it. I give him a metal ring, and he holds it in his claw, looking around the room through the hole. D and G are not flavour of the month with the bird, he allows me to scratch his head, and will sit on my arm, but he bites son and husband if they try to touch him. If anyone picks up a phone he shouts "Hello, how are you...ok the know...you ok..se ya..tara." then makes the sound of the phone going back into the stand. A friend at work also has an African Grey and a dog called Blue. The dog was barking and she shouted "BLUE" the parrot added his own words "Get into your bed"

We go to a family birthday barbeque,my sister in law`s mother B is 80. There is lovely food and lots of people there. Husband D and brother D enjoy partaking of the alcohol, Hus D asks my brother "Do you polish your head?" Then tells an onlooker, how when he was young he wouldn`t have minded if his hair had turned purple, as long as he didn`t go bald" How`s that for tact? B`s husband S has a wheelchair, he is indoors and the chair is in the garden, brother parks his backside on it drinking from a bottle of Becks, it makes a great photo. G is in charge of the bbq and as his sausages are becoming carcenogenic, a fire engine can be heard, he stops in his tracks, and when it speeds past, service is resumed.

I tell D that there is a guided walk in town and ask if he would like to go, he is waiting for people arriving to view the caravan which he has for sale in the newspaper, so he declines the offer.

I turn up near the central station near the Hume statue to meet up with others who are interested in their heritage for a guided walk around Newcastle.The talk is on the Seedy and Sophisticated in the time of Jane Austen. We
take a look into the Old Assembly rooms, we are in what would have been the sophisticated part of town. There are fabulous chandeliers,
paintings and stories of a ghost. We go to the back of St Nicholas Cathedral and see the buildings where ThomasBewick and Ralph Beilby worked and view the old castle walls near an ancient building which was once used as a lunatic asylum, the guide is describing what the conditions would have been like, when a gang of teenage lads swagger through the arch of the wall, acting themselves, one is trying to climb up the wall. The guide says "So....nothing has changed" We move on to the part of town which would have been "seedy" in the late 1700s to witness a girl in a gold lame top and shorts swinging fire sticks above her head, then a crowd of lads spill out of Revolution bar dressed as nurses wearing wigs and suspenders.

Four couples have viewed the caravan and there are no takers. I mention this to friend S, she reminds me that the writer Roald Dahl had a den in which he used to write his stories, she thinks it would be a good idea for me to use the caravan for my writing. I inform D of this, and he thinks it`s a great idea. So. he promptly takes his spare stereo, portable TV and speakers, installs them in the van, and disappears for a couple of hours. This is not exactly what I had in mind, but on reflection, he has no heating up there, I have Sky TV in the house and my own lap top, what more can I ask....Peace at last.