Cruelty to Woodworms

Did my usual stint of logging photos and maps at the library in the village where I grew up. A couple of us got on talking about our childhoods, we remembered tops and whips, we used to decorate the tops with chalk. The string on the whip was wrapped around the top then spun till the little tip at the base got red hot, we used to chase after someone to burn them on the arm.

We got onto the subject of outside toilets, ours had a huge square wooden seat which was covered with woodworms and ponged of the killer lotion which minged with a creosote whiff. I used to bang on the seat, and when the worms popped their heads out I`d stick them with a pin. You may snear, but we didn`t have much money and had to invent our own amusements. I asked my husband D.

Y "Did you ever stick woodworms?"
D " No, I just wanted to have a shit and come out."

We called to friends S and M`s. M was trying to assemble a new computer desk, he left the drawers and doors on the floor with screw driver and other tools. We went into the dining room, D, S and me ate a lovely chicken dinner and veggie M ate salmon. Spent a lovely evening remembering when we used to go to Agistri for our holidays, that`s where we met M & S years ago.

The next day I gave them a call to say thanks for a lovely meal. M answered and asked

M "What time did you get home?"
Y "Around 12, but we watched Educating Rita."
M "I was up til 1.00 in the morning screwing."
Y "I really needed to know that...Oh..you mean the computer desk."

Son G returned from work, a workmate had looked at his identity fob and asked

"Young...... are you podgers son?"

G thought this was hilarious, but D didn`t. This is the drawback of working with your son, they get to know things which can be used at home for winding up purposes.

G (To the parrot) "Say Hello podger."

Listened to Century Radio on the way to work, a listener had called in to say that he knew of politicians dolls on sale in the U.S. He couldn`t quite see a Gordon Brown doll catching on here. Other dolls in the U.S include dolly birds style ones wearing mini skirts and gun holsters. When the radio presenter suggested a Mike Ashley one for Newcastle, would it sell? The caller answered "Only if it came with pins."

So a big bang didn`t wipe us all out. Reminded me of New Years Eve 1999, we were at a party with friends, everyone was gathered in a circle in the sitting room ready for Auld Lang Syne. We all speculated if the power would crash. Exactly on 12.00, the power all shut down, cries of "I don`t believe it" from the one foot in the gravers. Not one of us had noticed the host crouching in the understair cupboard ready to throw the switch, prat!!!!

Time passes so quickly, it just seemed like a year or so ago, and here we are on the verge of 2009, still, another year or two and we will have access to the next census. There`ll be more skeletons in the cupboard waiting for me to drag them out. My ancestors would be spinning in their graves if they`d known that future generations would uncover their closely guarded secrets.