पास ओं एअर्थ

(Translation) Peace on Earth

Went to interview one of the members of the Knit and Knatter club who helped to construct the Woolly West. Turns out that her father was a kind of Jimmy Forsyth, whereas Jimmy seems to have more pics of buildings, Sylvia Wood`s (nee Kirk) dad took mainly people and the buildings just happened to be in the background, but he has preserved some brilliant shots, an old Hillman Imp, bright red and the old streets and back lanes. She lives in a high rise flat in Benwell and the views around the village are brilliant, her neighbour called in as pal IW and me were there and she has a south facing apartment with views of the Gateshead Angel. Sylvia has dozens of her creations around her place, embroidered eagle, knitted cottage, medieval knights and lots of flowers, her paintings are amazing, mainly of old folks, faces with character. She has loaned me three of her albums (Taken from two giant cardboard boxes full of slides, paintings etc)

On the way out of the building we noticed a small wicker bin with a notice above it in thick dark pen, the words "IN CASE OF NUCLEAR ATTACK, HIDE UNDER THE BIN, IT`S THE ONLY PLACE THAT WON`T GET HIT!" some poor caretaker is not happy with the litter problem I take it.

While trying to enjoy watching The Book Show, husband D was itching to hit the shops, so I reminded him that I have to sit through Little House on the Prarie or John Wayne so he`d have to wait or go alone. He insited on mutting and tutting throughout. A comment was made on Proust and a recommendation

"If you read this it can sort out some of life`s problems."
D. "Yeah, if you put it in the toilet when you`ve ran out of paper."
Then someone on the panel said
"When you go to bed you need a good book."
D "Do you fuck."
Nigella Lawson is promoting a dish with maple syrup and Mariella says that now it`s flowing off the shelves
D "And now everyone`s got the trots."
I ask him to shut up as I can`t hear properly for the running commentary, but no.
Nigella is talking with her usual drawly filler noise "awar, awar warrrr." and showing off her turkey stuffing with her low neck top.
She reveals that she doesn`t have penis envy, then Simon Callow appears.
D "How very very very boring."
Y "Piss off then!"
D "If you chopped their hands off they wouldn`t be able to speak."

Just remembered an experiment on the Paul O`Grady Show, they were enticing cats to test which turkey they liked the best, only one of them sniffed at Nigella`s and the other dozen or so moggys preferred Delia`s.

Thoroughly enjoyed Lead Balloon, Rick`s Xmas, Magda in mourning, Clive the neighbour forcing himself on them, Rick chucking Jelly Tots into the audience and "Could have had someone`s eye out" and Michael`s failed relationship.

I`ve got a couple of new books to read, Julie Walters That`s Another Story and Bobby Thompson A Private Audience, in the hope that I`m going to have some peace at Xmas. But the highlight will be visiting son P and daughter in law B for a few days over the Bank Holidays. Son G is back from London with girlfriend E and he will be going to her family for Xmas dinner so there will be peace on earth:)aided by a nice glass of brandy.

Selfish gets

After trawling up and down the alleys for a parking space at the Metro Centre, we finally secured a spot. Then I was well pissed off to see a blue transit van parked square in four spaces. Suddenly thought that I should have taken a photo for the blog as I got to the entrance of M&S, then promised myself that I`d do it when we came out, but van had gone by then.

On Friday, finished work at 6.00, Hubby D was on his staff night out, as it is the only night in the year that I have totally on my own, I couldn`t wait to get home, no TV, read my book, a couple of glasses of wine, a bar of chocolate and peace perfect peace. As he`d been on a day off, I`d asked him to get the Xmas tree from the loft. The box of decorations was there, lights, santa, reindeer,snowman hats and a pair of red glittery horns, but.......only the bottom half of the tree and no stand!!! So, it was all left on the floor until Saturday morning. I hate the blasted lights anyway, can never get the bloody things to wrap around properly.

Love the Woolly West knitting display at the Benwell Library, they`ve created a 3d street, rag and bone man,factories and shops and some of the titles for various groups are great Knitty Norah, Stitch and Bitch, Glittyknittykitty, Tabby dashery.

Met pal K at one of our favourite eateries in town, the staff were mutting and tutting about a customer who had an issue with the peas. I had the sausage and mash, K had beef stew, hers came in a lovely pot with a lid on. The lad behind the counter is the double of Peter Kay, half expected him to burst out with Amarillo as he wove his way between the tables, pen and pad in hand.

Waited for the No 40 bus, the 63 came first, it was freezing and the people at the stop moved towards the door, driver sat in the warm and kept the door shut for another five minutes before he let them on, another selfish get. But my heart was warmed by the sight of a chipper lollypop man leading the kids across the road on Chapel House wearing his Santa suit under his reflective jacket, now that`s what I call the real spirit of Xmas.....oh..and speaking of heart warming moments,popped into the cobblers on Adelaide Terrace, the counter sported about eight pairs of boots and shoes, the cobbler informed me that they were pairs that he`d repaired, but the customers hadn`t called back for them,the old folks call in and he gives them a pair for £1, hardly cover the cost of the materials.

A truly hearwarming event was the sight of G.W.B pelted with a pair of shoes by an Iraqi journalist, I know where he can get more supplies?

Ads at Xmas

The Three Vicars promoting their new CD, can`t help thinking of the Father Ted
episode where Ted, Jack and Dougal enter a singing contest. In all of popedom, I never thought I`d see celebrity vicars on TV. Missed the first of three programmes that Bernard Braden had recorded in the sixties, 1968 Unseen, Maureen Lipman, Lulu and Sylvia Sym were all dumbfounded to watch themselves smoking during interviews, they looked so young. In the 2000`s every celebrity and his mate is into advertising, but BB was scrapped for taking part in a TV advert. His idea for the programme had been to interview the stars and then three years later catch up with them again, it never got to that and the films were shelved, but make excellent viewing now.

W.H. Smith`s have a sign above the women`s magazines "Women`s Monthlies" now if I`m not mistaken, that is what my mother used to call her menstrual cycle, must have been thought up by a man!!!! It`s like going into a sports shop and seeing a sign for Men`s Balls. But,my favourite so far was a pair of wellies in Fenwicks store, how cruel is that, chocolates emblazoned all over them, only to be worn by the poker thin, because every time you went to put them on, that which many women try not to think about would be always on their minds.

Those two solicitors who ripped off terminally ill miners, they were already loaded and saw fit to pinch from people who haven`t got two pennies to rub together. They fall into the same category as Shannon Matthews mother, already filching off the tax payers and then she tries to get more.

Chico was walking around on the kitchen floor whistling Jingle Bells, none of us have taught him that, so he must have heard it on a TV advert. The Iceland ads show prawns on spoons, we bought some, they were lovely, the spoons went into the dishwasher and I`ll just put a dollop of Thousand Island sauce and a prawn on the top and we`re ready to go again.

I felt quite happy the other day on the bus, sitting peacefully and comfortably watching a couple of young mothers with toddlers in tow. How thankful I was that I`m past all of that, loved being with my sons when they were small, but hated travelling around, all that baggage to bring along too. Then at the next stop, illusions shattered, a grandmother struggling with a buggy and toddler. It had been raining heavily and she was adjusting the shower hood, digging out her purse etc. My youngest son P has been married for 3 years to B and no sign of a grandchild, eldest son is in a good relationship with E, but no hint of moving in together. No doubt when a littlun comes along I`ll be the first to offer my services.

D has just dropped a jar of carbonara sauce onto the tiles, the glass is shattered among a clump of creamy sludge. He looked at me as if to say, how do I sweep this up, you know that helpless look when they don`t want to do something themselves. So...I swept it up as he pontificates about how the jars were balanced precariously, not his fault of course!!! Why is it that men never remove the things in front of the item they want, instead, they pull the object out from under everything else?

The vicars might want another popish person to complete their lineup?

Chico joining in with song "Pet Bird"

Post Colonial Research Group Seminar Series

Worth taking a look at this event taking place in Percy Buildings on Wednesday 10th December featuring Dr. Kobena Mercer "Poetic Monsters and the Post Colonial Grotesque" She writes and teaches on the visual arts of the black diaspora.
"His first book Welcome to the Jungle (1994) opened new lines of enquiry in art, film and photography and his writings feature in several landmark anthologies including Out There (1990) Cultural Studies (1992)Art and it`s Histories (1998) and Theorizing Diaspora (2003)" by Tom Kelly

Be there for 5.pm in Room G9.

Christine Fieldhouse Book Launch

Christine Fieldhouse gave an excellent talk on her book Why Do Monsters Come Out at Night. She is very approachable and gave great advice and answered questions on tips in becoming published, obtaining an agent and she has a website which gives advice to aspiring writers. www.christinefieldhouse.co.uk Her father was an alcoholic and
"In this frank and honest memoir, Christine contrasts her confused and frightened childhood with the easy and innocent life of her young son."

Been to talk with another ex resident of Benwell, Bob Speight, spent a hilarious 2 hours with him and his wife Janet. He remembered when he and a couple of his pals came across some old Charlie Chaplin reels of film at the back of a film distributing company. As it was made of nitrate, it had been banned in cinemas. The pals rolled it into cylinders, then wrapped paper around, one end was twisted and the other wrapped, they lit the twisted end and when it was well alight, stamped on it. This gave off an evil pong. This was done in the washing room of a block of flats. Little sods. He was also given a sixpence to act dead or dying at a specially constructed site which was meant to assimilate a bomb site. Someone would set off a flare, then lots of men would run about pretending to diffuse incendiary devices. Then Bob and his pal would be bandaged and rushed about on stretchers...happy days.
So I`ve got 2,600 words from him, it`s getting there and I still have more interviews lined up.

Watched an advert on TV for Nintendo Wii. Two women are excitedly pressing keys on their hand held controls on a sofa in one of their homes. There are two little people rushing around in a similar cartoon home. Neither of the women are talking to eachother, but one of the little women on screen is saying to her pal "Come in and see my new furniture."???????????? Is the art of conversation really dead?

Geordie Dropped in by Wyn Jackson

Went to have a chat with Ron and Wyn Jackson about their memories of Benwell for my local history research. Spent a brilliant couple of hours learning of Ron`s life as a professional boxer, army career, and the old mill they bought to set up a business. Wyn`s own grandfather was also a boxer. We looked at old photos of the 1945 victory tea party, coronation street party and had a good laugh at their comical stories.

Wyn has two books in publication, Geordie Dropped In and Geordie got Physical.

This photo shows Ron when he was young, he became Northumberland champion.

Christmas Market - Newcastle

Check out the Christmas Market at the top of Grey Street, there are food,wood carvings, crafts, scarves, fabulous mulled wine and stalls with wares from all over the world.

Tight Knickers

Watched a great programme, think it was called Now that`s what I call 1983. Remember those horrible Cabbage Patch Dolls? Old footage showed the pandemonium that ensued when a delivery hit a store and there wasn`t enough to go around. Parents were fisting eachother in at the checkouts. One American mother shouted

"What are we supposed to say "You`ve been good but Santa ran short?"

Then a shot of another customer running out of the shop with about 7 boxes under her arms. Other toys which our two lads owned were He Man, we sold them all for next to nowt at a boot sale, they`d be worth something now, but you can`t hold onto old crap forever in the hope of making money, the house is like shitsville some days, so I don`t want to make it any worse. There were some hilarious clips, Total Eclipse of the Heart was a good song, but the video showing a crowd of choir boys with glowing eyes made me laugh, then one of them launched through the air towards the camera, great stuff. Tony Hadley was on, brilliant voice.

Went into town to meet D at B`s cafe Laboca. B and I were discussing our recent experiences with biopsies, and how we both had the all clear. It was freezing outside, and we saw D approaching with her collar up around her neck, B said
"And speaking of dead things!!!"

I showed them the recent Xmas card and letter from someone I used to work with years ago, the letter was photocopied, so she must send her news to everyone. B read it and said

"I hate those kinds of people, you`ve got one, they`ve got two, you`ve got 2 they`ve got 10, you`ve got a garden, they`ve got a park, but only it`s not theirs, it`s inherited." ..........Go for it boy!!!

As he read on he commented"

"Oh, this is sooooo boring, she talks so much shite, her knickers must be too tight, so its all coming out of her mouth, she got into her girdle 18 years go and she`s still wearing it forty years later."

The bible basher was out in force in Northumberland Street, he had a huge flag that he was waving in one hand and his book in the other

"Jesus saves...Is Jesus a man...Is he God.....or is he just a historical figure?"

I didn`t wait to find out

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bearpark/sets/72157608785587442/

Willy shaped Fish and Chips

We both had a pig of a day on Friday and decided that the diet would go out of the window, we NEEDED fish and chips. To make ourselves feel better, we would have half each. When I opened the box, there staring back at me was this willy shaped fish, had the staff in the shop played a joke on us or did a piece of fish drop off in the hot fat, we`ll never know. But, it gave us a good laugh. Later in the evening I suddenly thought that I could have staged it so that D opened the box on video and I could have sent it to Harry Hill, ah well £250 smackeroonies down the drain, we`d already eaten it. I must admit that when it came to cutting it in half, I did feel a bit like that Bobbit woman, but I was hungry so tried not to think about it. D ate the balls and I ate the willy, metaphorically of course.

Sandi Toksvig gave a brilliant talk at the university she spoke about how women and girls were portrayed in a negative wimpering way in stories such as Cinderella and Rapunzel, waiting around for men to rescue them and give them a life. She`s definitely worth seeing.

Next up was my spot at Northern Stage as a guest with Monkfish Productions, excellent acts and bands, had a great time. But, did rattle through my sections and didn`t give people a chance to finish applauding, so they missed some of the first lines as I moved on too quickly, but it`s logged for next time I`m anywhere else.

The old school reunion was great, met up again with lots of old pals and I have telephone numbers of those willing to give interviews and allow me to scan their photos for Benwell Remembered. There was a buffet and a raffle, someone had a loud haler to announce the winners, but everyone was so busy gassing that we didn`t hear, also me and D missed the buffet, nowt left by the time we got around to picking something up, I did get a mini sausage roll, but at least it looked like a sausage roll!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chico singing to Geordie`s Lost his Liggy

Chico biting the door

Chico adding sound effects from his bell

v

Geordie`s Lost his Liggy

Central Arcade, Newcastle upon Tyne

Cat nap

A neighbour put this chair out for rubbish collection, the cat certainly knew how to find comfort.

The Underpants Cafe`

Going in to Laboca, meeting a couple of folks in there. Last week when friend D was approaching, B looked out of the window

"Here comes The Bitchy Butty Queen, the Crimplene Goddess, Butty Bouquet." She knew that he was taking the Mick by the expression on his face
D "And I` wearing my ocelot just for you" (Tugs on her scarf)
B "I`ve just bought a scary pussy plant, you know one of those smelly yellow bushes, oh by the way, D, never put water on nylon, you`ll get electric shocks."
"Did you see that programme with Sandi Toksvig and Goldie Hawn."
B "Yes, she looked like a Californian Raisin with a bit of lippy on."
D. "They gave much more air space to Goldie Hawn, I`d rather have listened to Sandi."
Y " We`ve all got tickets to see Ms Toksvig next week at Newcastle University."
D "Did I tell you about the leak in my back passage?"
B "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
D "We had a burst pipe and the cat was skidding all over the floor, the water dripped through the light fitting, we were plodging through the carpet, husband M had an idea, he had to take his trousers off as they got wet, so he said
M" I`m thinking of starting a new cafe, it`ll be called The Underpants Cafe`, instead of the doorman asking "Can I take your coat?" he`ll say "Can I take your trousers? Then all the men will be comfortable"
Y "I`m having visions here of the Auf Weidershen episode where OZ is trouserless, not a pretty thought, still if all the men did this in a cafe, us women would be spared the sight at home, could catch on."

Then a fella walked in, B addressed him
B "Hi Womble, what`s that whiff I got as you passed just then?"
W "I`m wearing Hi Karate."

Men, they`re in a league of their own!!!!!

Monkfish Productions

Been lucky enough to be part of the line up for First in Three at Northern Stage on
6th November. I`ll be appearing as Florrie the Geordie Housewife again, but this time will have the tune Geordie`s Lost his Liggy as my signature tune. A bit scary to think I`ll be on a larger stage, but the more practise I get, the better. Claire Morgan who runs the company will be using her puppet Mother, a clip can be viewed on youtube Little Apple, hilarious as well as a social commentary.

Travelled to Millhouse Green to help our P and B to move house. There`s something very pleasing about a new building, new kitchen, carpets and plain walls. I remember one house we lived in mid seventies, the people before us had painted the skirting boards until they came to a piece of furniture then moved around it to continue painting, when the place was empty, it was plain that they`d just daffied white paint over dark purple. The washable paper in the kitchen had to be chisled off, all seven layers of it, we eventually got down to the bare walls, and I swore that I would never wallpaper, ever. We thought we were trendy with our avocado bathroom suite.

Only been in the gaff for a week and while we were watching TV, some little tow rag nicked the coach lamp from the front door, someone took a key along the side of our car and D chased a lad across the road and through gardens after catching him in a neighbours house, until he lost him. As was fashionable at the time we used a half barrel as a plant pot in the garden, a criminal used it to stand on under our kitchen window trying to get into our house. We didn`t live here long, a year, before we put it up for sale. Moved to our present place and here we`ve stayed.

How I hate those telephone question scams,

Do you know the first name of our queen? Is it

1. Mary
2. Britney
3. Elizabeth

On breakfast TV there was a scrambled name, aimed at children, encouraging them to ring in at peak time, and to ask for permission from an adult
C i d r a
n e ll e

"Mam, mam, I know this one, I can win, pleeeeeeeeeeeease let me ring"

Can`t you just imagine this scenario, all they have to do now is to brainwash the kids and they make a fortune, twats.

Memories, in the corners of my mind, la la la........

Just about finished the schools section for the local history book, keep remembering more comic moments as I go along. I had a history of fainting, usually when we were about to disect a worm or when the teacher commented one day " Be careful, the scalpels are sharp, they are used for lancing veins." Why did she have to add that!!! During a craft lesson we were given a demonstration on how to hold the tile away from the sharp instrument we were using to forge lines into, they smelled like old tyres. One lass in the group gouged a chunk out of the soft tissue area between her thumb and forefinger, needless to say I hit the deck amid screams and blood gushing everywhere, who`d be a teacher? I was removed from the scene in a wheelchair.

Husband D has been shopping for CD`s, came back with Free and a couple of metaler kinds of music, thank frig that he didn`t come back with the box set of Champion the Wonderhorse, as he threatened to do last time we were in HMV. It`s fortunate for me that there are no repeats of Little House on the Prarie, pass the fermaldehyde, I want to pickle myself, on second thoughts, no, it brings back unmentionable things done to worms in the name of science!!!

In town passed publicity goings on for Animal Planet, loved the outfits, they were hovering around a black stretch limo, hardly planet friendly. Also, a new shop, Vivienne Westwood, never would have thought I`d ever see this in Newcastle, there were no customers in there, but it`s amazing that we`re in the running, must go in there sometime for a nose around, still can`t shake the memory of her wearing that green outfit with the fig leaf in front. Go girl for courage, I can`t see her ever farting about with tile prints at school.

Kate Adie book launch Into Danger (Miner`s Institute Newcastle upon Tyne)

Keith Armstrong at the Lit and Phil

Ann Sessoms at the Lit and Phil

Ann Sessoms Northumbrian Piper and Sheila Naughton (Senior Librarian and organiser of event)

C & K at the Space Centre

Been to Leicester working on another children`s rights event with sister in law A. It`s been great. This time it was held at the Space Centre. Travelled by train on Sunday, went straight to the building to set up, got back to the hotel at about 9.00p.m, then evening meal, as there were only 3 steaks left we had to slug it out between 15 of us, I got a steak. We ordered drinks, they only had one bottle of rose`, 4 bottles of Magners and a couple of lagers, nothing after that!!!!! E ordered risotto... when it came it looked more like porridge, M`s curry was bits of chicken sort of floating among the rice. Whilst waiting for my drink, I noticed a humpy backed beetle walking across the bar, when I drew this to the attention of the bartender he said

"Oh, I haven`t seen a one like that before."

So I concluded from this that there were many others of different varieties in the joint.

The building itself is of a gothic Victorian style, in fact it is used for murder mystery events, the advertising shows scenes which would not come amiss in an episode of Allo Allo. The furnishings in very dark wood, massive comfortable sofas, festooning morbidly decorated curtains and gold embellishments on the cornices and roses. There were two vicars in deep conversation when we got there, and at first I thought they were ready for a murder to begin, but no, actual vicars, talking about synods.

Needless to say I didn`t get a wink of sleep, left the curtains open and was up at 6.00am. Breakfast wasn`t much better than the evening meal. S and L ordered scrambled egg, when it was approaching I thought that there were herbs in it, no, it was burnt bits from the pan, when S queried it, the waitress said

"Oh, he does it in the wok."

I ordered a full English, the sausage was pink in the middle, didn`t dare comment in case I was murdered and used for the next play, but seriously, I once went out with a waiter, R, when a stroppy businessman complained about his steak, R brought it back, the chef tossed it around in a pan for a couple of seconds then gave it to R to take back. R stood at the door, tea towel over his arm, plate held aloft on four fingers of his left hand, lifted the steak with his right, spat under the steak and flourished out towards the customer. I have never complained in a restaurant since, but will not go back if I don`t like the meal.

The Space Centre was great, "One giant step for mankind" kept playing on our floor, Engineering, which drove us mad, but there were three guys dressed in stormtroopers suits with guns, C, a young lass on the team said

"I wonder what they look like under there."



Monday worked from 8.00 until 5.30, then straight for the train back which got into Newcastle at 10.00p.m. Just as we approached the station a message dotted across the display screen. Hard big bags must be put on the rack. So we are definitley back in Newcastle!!!

Took part in the poetry slam at the Cumberland Arms on Thursday, first time I`ve done this, quite scary, but great, some fabulous acts. Steve Urwin deservedly won, so accomplished and confident, need to take some hints. Lots of good inspiration at this event, surprised myself that I got to the semi final.

Still working on a memories book for People`s History on Benwell, where I grew up, I need 40,000 words and 180 photos for next July. This is something dear to my heart and top of my priorities at the moment, I always beat myself up since my Dad died nearly three years ago, I didn`t ask enough questions, hence I am knee deep in family history, ancestry projects and keeping the memories of our community alive.

Newcastle United Entrance song

Cruelty to Woodworms

Did my usual stint of logging photos and maps at the library in the village where I grew up. A couple of us got on talking about our childhoods, we remembered tops and whips, we used to decorate the tops with chalk. The string on the whip was wrapped around the top then spun till the little tip at the base got red hot, we used to chase after someone to burn them on the arm.

We got onto the subject of outside toilets, ours had a huge square wooden seat which was covered with woodworms and ponged of the killer lotion which minged with a creosote whiff. I used to bang on the seat, and when the worms popped their heads out I`d stick them with a pin. You may snear, but we didn`t have much money and had to invent our own amusements. I asked my husband D.

Y "Did you ever stick woodworms?"
D " No, I just wanted to have a shit and come out."

We called to friends S and M`s. M was trying to assemble a new computer desk, he left the drawers and doors on the floor with screw driver and other tools. We went into the dining room, D, S and me ate a lovely chicken dinner and veggie M ate salmon. Spent a lovely evening remembering when we used to go to Agistri for our holidays, that`s where we met M & S years ago.

The next day I gave them a call to say thanks for a lovely meal. M answered and asked

M "What time did you get home?"
Y "Around 12, but we watched Educating Rita."
M "I was up til 1.00 in the morning screwing."
Y "I really needed to know that...Oh..you mean the computer desk."

Son G returned from work, a workmate had looked at his identity fob and asked

"Young...... are you podgers son?"

G thought this was hilarious, but D didn`t. This is the drawback of working with your son, they get to know things which can be used at home for winding up purposes.

G (To the parrot) "Say Hello podger."

Listened to Century Radio on the way to work, a listener had called in to say that he knew of politicians dolls on sale in the U.S. He couldn`t quite see a Gordon Brown doll catching on here. Other dolls in the U.S include dolly birds style ones wearing mini skirts and gun holsters. When the radio presenter suggested a Mike Ashley one for Newcastle, would it sell? The caller answered "Only if it came with pins."

So a big bang didn`t wipe us all out. Reminded me of New Years Eve 1999, we were at a party with friends, everyone was gathered in a circle in the sitting room ready for Auld Lang Syne. We all speculated if the power would crash. Exactly on 12.00, the power all shut down, cries of "I don`t believe it" from the one foot in the gravers. Not one of us had noticed the host crouching in the understair cupboard ready to throw the switch, prat!!!!

Time passes so quickly, it just seemed like a year or so ago, and here we are on the verge of 2009, still, another year or two and we will have access to the next census. There`ll be more skeletons in the cupboard waiting for me to drag them out. My ancestors would be spinning in their graves if they`d known that future generations would uncover their closely guarded secrets.

Rage against the machine (Wake up)

Apple Pie

My brother D and sister in law have just returned from a trip to Norway aboard a massive boat.On the way there a crowd of excited young people talked and shouted. D & A went to check out their cabin, it was very small, they could hear the loud suction noises of the toilets from nearby cabins, just as they were grumping about this they heard the youngsters opening the door to their cabin "OOOOh isn`t this brilliant" It was at this moment that D and A felt their age. Noise went on for a bit longer, one girl shouted, "Have you heard It`s a man`s world by James Brown?" brother wanted to shout "Have you heard Shut the F*** up by the Nine Inch Nails. In spite of all this they loved Norway.


Just taken delivery of a new Canon printer from Bt online shop, got it £40 cheaper than prices at every company in Newcastle and Gateshead. Only one of the shop assistants informed us that the cartridges would only have a small ammount of ink in them, the others didn`t mention this. Five cartridges at £10.00 each, this should be pointed out to the customer. It seems to me a bit like saying to a person who needs a wooden leg "It`s extra for the foot." I`m very new fangled with new aquisition, it prints photos on top of CD`s and the quality of the prints are great. No doubt in a couple of weeks time it`ll be out of date, read somewhere that face recognition computers will be the next thing.

Watched an episode of Trinny and Susannah, they were at a factory trying to convince workers to have a dress up day. "Don`t just wear it for best" they say then D looks at me and sarcily says "No, just buy it and buy it and buy it and don`t wear it." But, I do hold my hand up for this, I am prone to buying because I like it, it may not like me. Can`t believe this fad for ra ra skirts in citrus colours. Saw a young lass in town wearing a lime green net one with matching rolled up socks and a huge head band which covered most of her forehead and hair. Does that show my age?

Have finally seen Hellboy 2, loved it so much want to see it again, the creatures are excellent,I really would have loved a job creating those. The German robot reminds me of Herr Flick in `Allo Allo. As usual the one liners are hilarious. A pixy, goblin thing with no legs riding on a bogey is tempted to reveal information with "I have a shiny belt" the reply is "I have no pants"

Couldn`t believe the speech by Palin in support of John Mccain, she seemed to me a little too Stepford Wifish, was she plugged in at the back. He`s picked her in the battle for female votes against Obama. John Irvine gave a great report. Palin was on stage and the camera panned to her husband and kids, Irvine said that he could just about smell apple pie. Then when hubby and kids joined their mother on stage "You would be forgiven for assuming that this was an episode of Family Fortunes." Now we hear that she has been the victim of sexism, could they be trying to take the hard edge off her after she referred to working moms as the "hockey moms". They may have a loose canon there, she`ll get carried along by her popularity.

Never mind what is happening in the rest of the world, flood, famine, war, Newcastle United has lost it`s fairy godfather, Kevin. Why is it that managers, Northern Rock included,waste money on the wrong things. Northern Rock was a profitable concern with supporters, management decided to blow the profits on a massive expensive new building. Newcastle United will not please the fans if management won`t invest in the right kind of players. It`s a bit like saying, I`ve got five pairs of shoes, I really need a new skirt, but I`ll have those green high heels instead. What a position for Keegan to be in, everyone would assume that he had made the choices and he would have been blamed, he had no option but to leave. You`re in the shite now Mike Ashley by preffering to hang onto your toady mate rather than the public`s choice of Keegan.

D was picking me up from work, but arrived early so he called in to Woolworth`s to kill some time. I`d asked him if he could pick up a Bobbi Thompson DVD as we only have it on video.

D "They didn`t have the Little Waster, so I got this instead."

holds out a copy of Lassie!!!!!!!!!

D " It was only a pound"
Y "That`s all it wants to be."


As I type this I can hear it on next door ****ing hell. A kid is saying in a whiny voice "Can I really keep him Mom" a red Indian is talking in his own language and the kid says "Thanks Mr Bald Eagle" then translates for his weakly portrayed women folk role Mom, she feebly puts her hand on his arm. then "Tommy, you rustle up some food and I`ll see about the fire." coming from a manly man wearing a checky lumberjack shirt. Now that`s what I call Apple Pie. Will we get to the Metro Centre today????

The music changes to Dan da dan dan....meant to be sinister "He was inside searching around snooping" "I only get a quarter and he gets half." "There`s two reasons why you won`t shoot me...it`s just a hunch....you haven`t got the guts." I can feel a purchase of something new coming on, retail therapy, nowt like it. Reminds me of a conversation

Y. "What`s the time?"
M "Cowboy time."
Y "What."
M "Den de Den, Den de Den" (slapping his thigh) It was ten to ten.

I hear "He don`t know these hills like we do." "It`s at the head of the canyon." and I`m reaching for my gun.

Fat Busters

A sofa advert has been on TV so much it is driving me loopy, the song by Nickelback is great, but one line had me flumoxed:-

"I want to buy a new house on an ??????? of ????? and a bathroom I can play baseball in"

Asked people at work and one guessed it said an episode of green (Meaning when you look out of the window there are fields) one thought Hollywood Hills.

Googled it and it`s an episode of Cribs, there`s a clip on youtube, apparently a send up comedy, shows Mohahmad showing a film crew around his house, his mother can be heard in the background shouting in her own language not to let anyone sit on the sofa, then she throws a slipper at him, he replies in arabic that she is showing him up, thousands of people will see him being hit by a slipper on TV, she then throws the other one and he stands there with a gormless smile. Worth a look. The houses are something also.

Another advert comes on, showing some muscle bound young man on a boat, shirt flapping around his 6 pack, D comments.

D "Well, that`s nowt, I`ve got a 40 pack."

G passes through on the way to the oven, observes D eating a bacon sandwich

G "Seeing to yourself again I see?"
D " You never make me anything so why should I.."
G "Yeah, Yeah, we know...Fat Controller."
D "And don`t you forget it!!!"

G grills bacon.

D "You haven`t put tin foil on it first."
G "I don`t want my food swimming in fat, so mind your own business."
D "It`s not you that has to clean the grill."
G "And it`s not you either, Mam does it."

The two of them put together wouldn`t make a good un.

Talking about fat, I was on Shields Road the other day and an advert in a shop window read Get your Fat Buster Tablets here. Then we can all go to the greasy spoons nearby and eat a beefburger. Apparently there`s a Fat Map now, which charts levels of obesity, we are the junk food generation, and Northumberland is the top of the league.

D and I were in another shop nearby, the assistant asked him

Asst. "Would you like a small bag?"
D "No thanks." (Looks at me) "I`ve already got one.")

It`s plain to see where G gets the cheek from.

Then we go looking for a small table for my Father in law, one of those wine style ones for him to keep a cup on. There are lots of similar styles, but D is nit picking over them, too big, too low etc, so we come away with nothing. Pa in law is happy downstairs in the care home, there are more visitors who all gather together and chat about this and that, we play his music and his feet tap to Seigfried Line and We`ll meet again. The residents all seem to be going somewhere, but they don`t know where. So sad to hear them asking when their parents are coming to take them home. We know when one old fella has been on the rounds, D`s Dad is usually sitting in his chair slipperless, then you spy the old man shuffling up the corridor with his cap and jacket on with about 5 pairs under his arm. B thinks he`s in a social club when everone assembles for lunch, goes around asking what they`d like to drink.


The postman arrives at the door with a pizza shaped box, it`s for G, D wonders what it is, but he has as much chance of finding out, as G takes it straight to his room.
The empty box is left and paper scattered around, I must remember the saying, Live long enough to be a problem to your children!!!

Later in the day, I gather up three pairs of shoes belonging to G and chuck them on the floor in his room, I spy a black rubber shape on the drawers. When I pick it up, it`s a Batman Mask $20. As G is out,has gone into toon to watch the Arsenal v Newcastle game. I can`t resist putting it on, D is downstairs quaffing cider and spits it out on my arrival as the masked crusader, minus the cape. We have a good laugh. He tries it on and we take photos of eachother in daft poses.

D "What does he want that for, and look what he`s paid for it!!! He`s mental."

My thoughts flip to caravan and boat, The caravan has never been anywhere and the boat rarely visited, I say nothing, kettle and pot as usual.

Watched The Naked Pilgrim hosted by Brian Sewell

B "I`ve got fresco neck, I have to take the back of my head and push it forwards." (Poor, poor, poor)
"This is a man`s job." (as he grapples for ages to take the cork out of a bottle)
He becomes "Very angry indeed" to be shown to a tourist attraction inside an old vaulted building where upside down horseshoes are carved into the stone, he`s appalled and suspects that locals have done this in an attempt to bring tourists "It`s comparitively recent graffitti hoping to attract idiot pilgrims like me. (You said it) Describes Lourdes as "Teeming with sick people and their carers, a cross between a hospital and a theme park. he is dismayed at the tacky shops selling St. Bernadette knickers, umbrellas, statues and plates. Moans at the tapestries " Just like the upholstery on Air Lingus."


But he does redeem himself at the end, after slating off the comercialism of Lourdes he speaks to a couple of women from Hartlepool who purely take the good out of the whole experience and their faith keeps them without malice. Then he observes the procession of the sick and dying past his hotel room and sheds a tear. Maybe he does just say things for a response, and there could be a soul inside there after all?

cat vs bull terrier you tube

Divn`t show is up

Finger Lickin` Good

Husband D is driving me to work, someone cuts him up, the usual fuck wit comments, wanker signals and spitting all over me as he does this. As he gets back on a par with the driver, he shouts "It`s a woman!!!" I ask why he never shouts "It`s a man" when they make mistakes, blank look. Chauvinism lives.

On the way back home after the shift, i jump the bus, an old woman sits down beside me, the smell of moth balls takes my breath away, didn`t know that people still use the things. Back in the fifties everyone suffered from a wang of eau de moth ball, come to think of it, haven`t seen many moths around lately, we are plagued by spiders, they are so big we can see the hairs on their legs. Our bull terrier used to eat them if he saw one scuttling over the laminate floor.

Amused to see a photo in one of the papers showing a burglar hanging upside down from a window, his foot had become caught and he hung there for an hour, good. I like to imagine what I would have done if I`d just got home and he was dangling in my house. "Oops, sorry, I`ve just broken your frigging leg as I was helping you down...oh no..now I`ve broken the other one, silly me." I wonder if he has back issues of Hang Glider monthly.

I also found a website on Stumble, alternative cards, maybe I could have sent the burglar a get well card

"I know your not feeling well, just try to see it as a rehearsal for death."

"I hope you get well soon, funerals depress the life out of me."

There`s currently a craze for songs which have a line which sounds like something else:-

Abba- Chikkitita tell me what`s wrong...
(Kick your teeth in tell me what`s wrong)

Phil Collins- She seems to have that invisible touch yeah
(She seems to have an invisible todger)

Attended the book launch of Christopher Brookmyre (A Snowball in Hell) What an excellent, hilarious talk. He apologised before starting that lots of strong language would be used, he has received letters from readers who accuse him of trying to look hard or cool, but he explained that the characters he writes about wouldn`t say "Bloody", if anyone wanted to leave before this began, he would understand. An editor noticed that one of his drafts contained 40 fucks, and suggested that he cut it to 15, Christopher couldn`t imagine which moron would say "You`ve got 16 fucks, you need to cut one out. Then maybe if an author hadn`t any swear words in his book, could he trade for some of his fucks, but if anyuone asked C for one of his fucks, he would say, no, sorry, I`m saving them up for a cunt.

There were no early leavers until C spoke of his grand surroundings for this launch at the Laing Art Gallery, usually he goes to book shops, one place he went to needed a code to get into the toilet, it was to prevent vandalism. Someone had left a warm chicken on the bench in there, apparently used it for sex. C said "Can they not cook, why don`t they do this in their own homes, maybe they just saw the chicken and needed it immediately, sort of gives a new meaning to boning a chicken." At this point a lone male got up and walked out. Maybe he found this distasteful. I couldn`t help but notice that it was the person who had attended a previous book launch where his wife told him off because he claimed the free raffle prize of a selection of books and he didn`t even have that number ticket!!!! So, better to be a thief than to listen to a dirty story???? Dishonest bugger, now that`s what I call distasteful.


I bought one of C`s books, Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks, it`s described as containing "Bad language, scatalogical humour, razor wit, convoluted plot with high readability" That`ll do for me. The talk was well attended and most people bought a book or three.

The Bridges over the Tyne

Times Gone By

Watched Who do you think you are, episode on Boris Johnson, and was prepared to have my thoughts that he is a plonker confirmed. His grandfather changed the surname from Kemal to Johnson. Phrases uttered during the programme included "It became symetrically necessary to demonise." "It`s punchy, it`s polemical" and "Wowee" His granny had always insisted that the family were decendants from royalty, Boris commented "Granny was right, we were wrong to sneer." Photos of a young Boris on a horse confirmed that he isn`t just wearing his hair tatty to appear eccentric, he`s always had it in that style, and his father sports the nutty professor coiffure too. By the end of the show, I quite liked good old Boris.

Went to Beamish for the day, it`s much improved, more trams and buses, they now have a masonic lodge and a Barclays Bank. I bought a ceramic ink well, need it for sod all, but it just brought back memories of school. Also a book,Whey Aye Man, It lists the usual translations for the Geordie dialect:-

"When a gor in last nite, a hoyed up on the nettie."
(I had too much alcohol last evening and consequently I was a little sick in the toilet.)

"Aave gor a gammy leg, ye knaa, so a cannit lowp aboot!"
(I will struggle to jump over that hurdle because I am a little lame.)

"Divvent let ya dog pittle on me grass!"
(Your Labrador has urinated on my garden, please do not let it happen again, thank you.)

There are old fashioned drawings, Little Jack Horner exclaims "Hev yee pinched aal the plums like?" Humpty Dumpty is lying broken, the soldiers are gathered around him holding pieces of egg...."A divvent knaa where this gans" "Gis it here man! Aa`ll dee it"...."Dee yee knaa wot he was deein?"...""Messin aboot on the waal so a hord like."

Loved the old songs in the book, Cushy Butterfield, Keep yer feet still Geordie Hinny and The Blaydon Races:-

I went to Blaydon Races
`Twas on the ninth of June
Eighteen hundred and sixty two
On a summer`s afternoon
I took the bus from Balmbra`s
And she was heavy laden
Away we went along Collingwood Street
To see the race at Blaydon.

A friend of mine IW, recently found some old photos of the street parties in 1962 in South Benwell for the celebrations of the centenary of the Blaydon Races, lots of familiar faces from the past. She also had a collection of Victory Tea party snaps from 1945, she loaned me them to scan for the archive at Benwell library.


It`s a well known fact that many Geordie`s finish off a sentence with the word "like". Sheryl on X Factor drives me mad, each performer who walks in "O yi Alreet like?" Don`t get me wrong I love our dialect and encourage it`s use, but it wears a bit thin when the same phrase is repeated so often, "Change the record Sheryl, yar a luvly lass utherwise pet."

There are old pit style houses at Beamish, colliery, farmhouse, geese, chickens and such. The old town pub, The Sun is now open for quaffing, but it`s tiny, reminds me of the Cumberland Arms. We ate shepherd`s pie and mushy peas in the old Co-op restaurant, there were old plants, water boilers and windows with the sash openings. The weather was lovely and families sat on the grass around the bandstand. The staff roamed around wearing Victorian dress. Kids tried to use the metal hoops in the school yard.

We called in on friends who live near the Bowes incline, M was cutting the grass on his bogey style lawn mower, needless to say D wanted a turn on it. M had spent most of his time mowing in a finely tuned circle, and D did curly Q`s over it, M too polite to say. S shouted us across for a cup of tea, so not too much damage done.

M "What di thi caal them things that run in front of ya car?"
D "Pheasants?"
M "Aye, a nearly knocked one down."
Y (Noticing his dog Jake snapping his teeth, arching his back and lurching along the grass) "What`s up with Jake?"
M "He`s gettin` randy, when I first saw him like that, I thought he was havin` a stroke."
S "Suppose he is, sort of."
M " Come and have a look at our new conservatwat."
D " It`s lovely, you get all the sunlight on this side of the house."

We sample some of S`s home made chocolate cake and talk about old times, nowt like it.

Gaffs

Must apologize for a glaring gaff made in my last post. I had keyed into Google, Photos of Brian Sewell, these I received together with photos taken by another Brian Sewell (Excellent, worth checking out) What a relief to know that Mr.Snotty Sewell is as we all suspected,only capable of ripping to bits the talented. But some good comes from every mistake, I received a message from fat frumpy and fifty blogger, who was surprised that "pompous" Brian had it in him, happily it turned out that he didn`t on further checking on my part. Her blog has fabulous photos and a great vintage company is advertised and run by her. She is living in Cumbria, small world, my Gt Grandfather on my mothers side came from Wigton, and many others from Stanwix and Carlisle.

Two old pals called around this morning. A bit of planning wouldn`t have gone amiss, but, as usual, the night before, I`m either on the computer, reading, ripping up old crap or moving things in the cupboard from one place to the other trying to give the illusion of "More space". Even if I had decided on the clothes I will be wearing for the next day, knowing my fat record, trying things on I like but don`t like me, fat cow.

But no..... sitting with a glass of wine, yeah, yeah, it`ll be ok, I`ll get up early and make a start, they`re not arriving until 10.00am, plenty time, the house is like shitsville, no matter, Mrs. Superefficient will be on top form? Rab C Nesbitt is on and I can`t bring myself to go to bed until it`s finished around 11.40. So, consequently I`m knackered at 7.30 the next day. Start by stuffing anything and everything into cupboards, which I know that sometime next week, I`ll be looking for said objects. I put lamb and onions in the creuset pan in the oven, the vegetables are peeled, swiff over the floor and I`m sitting on the computer as if that was all I`d been doing all morning, sweating like a pig is the dead giveaway.

However in control I appear to be I burn the carrots. Son G is on a day off and swans through

G " Burnt the carrots again?"

I had cooked dinner on Monday and burnt them, but thanks for the reminder. And luckily friends have brought strawberries and fresh cream, just as well as all I had in was yoghurt.

It`s pissed down all day, D is on a days leave tomorrow, we had planned to go to the boat, but we hear on the radio that the A69 is flooded, so maybe a trip to the tip with more crap, something exciting like that? Not.

Pals give me a lift to Gosforth Library where I meet friends S and K. Henry Charlton is promoting his book Travels in a Bygone Age, He came well prepared, with photos from his travels in Rhodesia, Bombay and Canada, he is saddened by the change of governments, recalls his work as a structural engineer. One account of a near death experience where a gun was held to his temple, poisonous snakes etc. Suddenly my burnt carrots pale into insignificance.

D and I get back home and there is a message from his father`s nursing home, what has he been up to we wonder. Last message we received he had smuggled a knife into his trouser pocket after lunch, used it to loosen the screws on the door to the corridor, escaped downstairs, then took the screws off the fire escape door, he was on his way out when the alarm bell sounded and they caught him. This was more serious, if that`s possible, he had been punched in the face by another resident.We must have him moved to the downstairs section, it appears more calmer there with more staff. The more I see of such places, it`s definitely going to be a cyanide pill from the internet for me.

Naked truth

Just got back from Benwell Library, been helping out listing old photos and maps. Called in to one of those cheap shops that sell everything from scourers to food to furnishings. In the toy section, a chain saw complete with pretend blood on the blade, yuk. But I did watch Hellboy last night on channel 5, excellent film, but some gory bits,the Nazi metal faced character who can flick blades from his arms was chopping down everyone in sight. Great line from Hellboy himself "I`m fireproof." New film out on 20th Aug, must go to see that.

Also worth watching was Queen and Paul Rodgers in concert, that Paul is still a sexy sod. I remember before we were married, D and I went to see him when he was with Free at Newcastle Guildhall, it was the early 70`s. By contrast Pompous Sewell (Catchphrase:- "It`s hideous.") is in a programme soon to be screened The Naked Pilgrim, a clip shows him, back view, showing off his skinny middle class arse, stepping into the sea. He once visited Newcastle and they took him to The Strawberry pub near the football ground, needless to say he found fault with most things here. Let`s hope that he keeps his strawberry well covered during the show, now that would be hideous. He`s actually a good photographer, check out sewellphotos.com/blog

Sewell did say that he was impressed by Geordie pride. It`s always commented upon, the Geordie hospitality and friendliness. But, my sister in law told me about a poor woman who collapsed during Bingo recently. The crowd became angry when the game was stopped for the ambulance crew to take her away. So, nowt`s changed from the good old knitting around the guillotine times.

My bulk mail has increased, probably due to the time I spend online. The usual replica handbags, watches and erectile pills adverts

A lad in a Micky Mouse suit was hauled away with his arms behind his back by police in Disneyland Los Angeles. His crime, protesting against the latest pay deal from Disney`s. Accomplices included Tinkerbell, Snow White and Cinderella. They are now in negotiations with the union.

Son G came in the backdoor and went straight up to his room without a by your leave, kiss my arse or even a commoner gardener hello. I assumed he was still up there and shouted G, the bird answered "Wo". G had pissed off out the front door.

D "He treats this house like a bloody hotel."

Bedding is changed again,so must warn D that G may be entertaining again, just in case he runs from the bathroom doing a Sewell.

Greedy Gets

IW "Where does D want to go tonight?"
y "IW wants to know where you want to go tonight."
D "Jarrow slacks."
Y "He said Jarrow Slacks."
IW "What!!! ask him if he wants to go to town."
Y "Do you want to go to town?"
D "Sgt Peppers?"
Y "We`ll just go local, see you at 7.30."

As we leave the house, G is cooking for girlfriend E. He is making a selection of stuffed things and a giant pizza.

Back from the pub at 11.30, D notices pizza on a tray. As there is no note saying that we can eat it, I leave well alone, D helps himself. 5 minutes later, G surfaces from his room.

G "You greedy sod, you`ve eaten all 6 pieces, right well I`m having one of your bottles of wine!!!" Then goes back to entertaining.

The next night D catches G sloping off with one of his bottles of beer.

D "Put that back."
G "You nicked my pizza, so I`m having this."
D "You`ve already taken a bottle of wine, Twat."

Kettle and pot.

The bird is still biting G, slyly and very gently holds his claw out as if he wants to sit on his hand, then holds on tightly while he bites. Chico has learned a whole new set of words. "Come on, come`ere....ow,ow....Hi NO...stop biting."

While picking up leaflets of interest, noticed a free magazine Mature Times, adverts include hearing aids, adjustable beds, you can win a one in a competition and insurance ads featuring Michael Parkinson. Bolton Council is issuing pensioners with cat bells to hang on their bags to ward off thieves. Yeah, like that`s going to work, they won`t be able to hear them for rap music on their ipods. Lots of advice on parkinson`s disease and other illnesses. But seriously, some very good advice on gardening, insurance and trips.

Was also approached with a free sample of pro age cream, while I`m anywhere for a little apple with freebies, I felt a bit afronted to be recognised as a wrinkly.

Another sign of ageing is having to get out of bed to go to the loo, at 4.00am, I return to bed after such a visit to find D is sprawled all over my side. Why didn`t you just climb onto his side? I hear you ask. Well I would, but his snoring pipe is laying a trail over there too. So I push him aside, he wakes up and says "I`m awake now, we might as well get up." There`s no way I`m joining him, so I sleep in until 9.00.

Enjoyed the book launch of The Great North Road by Annabel Dore`. An excellent talk on how she gets the inspiration to write, she imagines a door from her past, opens it and experiences the sights, sounds and smells of the past, good tip. She enquired of the audience if anyone else does this, and what things spark memories. An old lady said

"I remember that film about a stripper..she was a gypsy...but I can`t remember the name of it." Someone shouts out Gypsy Rosa Lee. There is singing and food, a really good afternoon.

Karen Joy Fowler was also at Gosforth Library promoting her new book, she is known for The Jane Austen Book Club which was recently made into a film. She informs us about a case on The Donner Party a group of people in America who were caught in a snow storm, they had passed mountains, and only had one more to go, they didn`t realise they were so close to their destination, so stayed put, but the weather got worse and they stayed the winter out, they eventually resorted to eating eachother. Her latest book The Case of the Imaginary Detective makes reference to this. Kind of gives a new meaning to Donner kebabs. I try to imagine the scenario if D and G were holed up together

"No,you lopped off a leg last time so I`m eating your arse."

Well, better go and make something to eat before the greedy gets come home.

It`s T- Raining Men

Read about a bloke called Sam Pyle (Ironic name) he won an award for the Hairiest Man (El Hairio)looks like a long pile carpet. Also Kevin Pietersen, the South African born cricketer has shaved off his astro turf badger style.


Got on the bus at 10.30am, a can of Carling rattling around under the seats, then at the Newcastle United football ground stop, a young lad got off snapping the ring pull on another.

Made it to Laboca Art Cafe, told B about the four hole salt sellars provided by Norwich Council to fish shops.

B " You pick on a granny with no salt on her salad and you`d get hit with her false teeth and slip on her curler!"
The conversation got around to husbands, and what we`d do if we didn`t have the ones we`ve got.

DK. "If I had another man I`d have to train him and it would take too long."
B "If you got a younger one, he could train you."
DK "He`d have to have his own teeth and hair."
B "How many men have you had with wigs?"
DK "He`d also have to be good at DIY and not fat, but really, I couldn`t be bothered with another man, even if he had gold bars hanging from his bollocks."
B "Have you seen Ann Foster`s painting of four fat blokes?"

We look at her catalogue, love the people dancing ones, full of movement and depth, but I`m not too impressed with the trees ones, a little flat and too expensive.

Y " And what about Judy Finnegan`s hairstyle, the raggy style just makes her look scraggy. He`s a bit childish, that Richard, she`s such an intelligent woman, I bet she cringes at some of the prattish comments he makes. He asked a woman guest "Really like the dress, is it Chinese silk?" answer "I don`t know."

B had been to the gym and proudly told us of his inverted nipple, he was admiring the nipple erection on the other one in the mirror.
B " If you wanted a breast implant, what style would you have."
Y "Not a Jordan, that`s for sure."
B " Nipples the size of your nostrils, high ones, low ones?"

Y "We`re happy with our fried eggs, we`ll have a top up of coffee,and try not to be slower than a laplanders travelling sledge."


It`s pissing down outside when we leave, no umbrella, and I have the cheek to comment on the raggy scraggy look.

India

Acid bath

Just discovered a brilliant site, Stumbleupon, information on anything and everything. Did you know that Norfolk council has distributed 200 salt shakers with less holes (4), at a cost of £450, to fish shops in their area in a bid to encourage folks to consume less salt. Rightly or wrongly if I`m eating chips I need a coating of salt and vinegar, apparently we should all have 6g max per day. A spokesman for the, wait for it, Federation of Fish Friers commented that people would only stand there longer, and that it was a complete waste of money, well said. On the same site, joke adverts, my favourite..Lego Snacks...you shit bricks.

Son G returned from the Metro Centre with a carrier bag:-

D "What have you got in there?"
G " I`m not telling you because you`ll say "You paid WHAT for THAT."
D " What did you pay then?"
G (Yawns) "£50"
D "£50?"
G "Yeeeeees, £50, we can`t all shop at George." (Takes flimsy black T shirt from the bag)
D "I could get 8 shirts for that."
G "Yes, probably made in Taiwan, cost 50p and the workers get 1p."
D "Clever Dick!"

G goes to talk to Chico our parrot, he listens, then when G tries to encourage him to sit on his hand, he`s bitten, really hard, but doesn`t draw blood.

G "You little twat."
D "Don`t swear, he`ll pick it up."

Read a clip in the Mail, John Haigh put the bodies of his victims in an acid bath to get rid of the evidence. He was caught because one of them had gallstones which stayed. He was hanged in August 1949. (Obviously didn`t know about bifidus regularis, how many more bogus names can advertisers come up with to brainwash us into buying their products?) So the lesson we must all learn from this...If your going to murder anyone and dispose of the body using acid, make sure they don`t have gall stones. Which reminds me, I also read somewhere that if you put a piece of steak into a bowl of Coke, it will be gone in 2 days, must try Coke in the toilet, save on cleaner.

Went to The Cluny today for the first time, tried the spicy parsnip soup, delicious. Very impressed with the place, lovely old building, friendly staff, good service and food. Must try their strawberry beer next time.

It`s years since I went into a loo with graffiti on the walls:-

1. The platitude that serves us today serves us tomorrow.
2. Today is the tomorrow that they promised us yesterday.
3. As above, so below, as within, so without. (What!!!)
4. I love Will Mapplebeck.
5. I so love Ben, he makes my life complete. (Huey)

Has anyone got a spare acid bath?

Pieces I`ve ate

The parrot has had his first taste of flesh. Brother D and sister in law A were round last night, my son and daughter in law P & B home for the weekend and everyone merry with much quaffing of ale. Chico flew into the kitchen and engaged in his party trick, throwing a selection of spoons onto the floor then watching sideways on as they hit the floor. When he flew back to his cage, brother D made the mistake of trying to put his finger through the bars, birdie drew blood, then as D was telling him off with his nose a little too close for comfort, he hooked his beak into the soft undersides of D`s nose, then fluffed himself up making clucking noises. Fascinating how much blood. He`s also gnawed his way through two wooden toys held up by string.

Chico has also developed a liking for Dusty Springfield hits, swings and sways around to Stay A While and I Only Want to be with You. Bought it at Woolworth`s for £2.97. odd price.

Driving to work 6.45 Friday morning, not far from the house, a tiny black poodle was running on the road towards us, soaking wet, obviously lost, I asked husband D to pick it up and put it in our kitchen until we got back from work. He refused "We`ll be late for work." I explained that I would find out where it was from, but no,he thought that once it was in our house, if nobody claimed it that I`d want to keep it. Told sister in law A, she agreed with me, poor animal, wonder where it is now, hope he didn`t get run over.

I suspect that eldest son G has a girlfriend. Telltale signs:-

1. Asked me where I worked (Been in this job for 4 years)
2. 2 bottles of Rose in the fridge. (He usually nicks ours)
3. Room is tidy and bedding changed.
4. Asked if we would be going out on Saturday night.

Husband D has just downloaded Geordie`s Lost His Liggy for a ring tone, I`m well pissed off because I have a crap phone which hasn`t enough memory, had previously tried to use Auf Weidershen Pet song. He`s playing it to the bird. He`s got one of the Blackberry phones which he never uses, charges it up every night, won`t swap with mine.

Charity begins at home

Needed to pick up a photo from Venture Photography on Gosforth High Street, decided to take a look in a charity shop. I spied a skirt and proceeded to the dressing room (A kind of cupboard with a curtain)Outside the curtain and flapping around in front of it was a toddler, his mother kept repeating his name, so I knew that the little darling was Benedict.

Benedict: "Mummy, can I take a look at that bloke up there?"
Mummy: "You mean the Action Man on the shelf.....excuse me could we see that? (To the assistant?"
Assistant: "Of course....how old is he?"
Mummy: "He`s nearly three, aren`t you?"
Benedict"Look at my nipper grabber"

He continued to bash up against the curtain, and as the cubicle was near the door, I had visions of everyone on the high street catching an eyefull, but I was intrigued, what was a nipper grabber? It turned out to be a kind of plastic scorpion contraption, when he pulled it the pincers worked.

I bought the skirt, it was only £2.50, a real bargain, and a triumph for recycling. I tell myself this, but I really need to stop buying and clear out half of my wardrobe, It`s definitely an obsession this bargain hunting.

Last summer I helped out at the Ofsted Children`s Rights Conference. The workers were all assembled in the marquee, two massive helium bottles were being used to blow up balloons, when one of them ran out D asked if anyone knew how to change the regulator. M stepped forward confidently, pulled the top off it and the most excruciatingly earsplitting wheeeeeeeeeeee came exploding out, he then dropped the bottle and legged it. It scared the shit out of everyone so we all split to the four winds. Have you ever ran as fast as your legs can carry you ,but you appear to be going nowhere fast? Bravely D ran back inside and shut it down, meanwhile I stood by my cowardly self until everything had died down. I had visions of the bottle going into a tail spin and ripping through the tent.

We were all given walkie talkies, everyone`s worked except the one which was given to the team I was in (wouldn`t you just know) A high wind got up and we could hear team 4 shouting for help, their tent was on the way skywards and they were holding onto the tent pegs. J and I sent T as he was the only man, good excuse. It was a great day, the children who attended went on the free rides and gained lots of prizes, so in spite of everything else, I was willing to go again this year.

Needless to say, M was obviously going to be up for some stick at this year`s fun day. "keep him away from the balloons" that kind of thing. We travelled by train and went straight to Drayton Manor fun park, sorted out the resources ready for the next day and were at the hotel for around 9.30. Had a fabulous evening meal and loved my bedroom, looked out of the window where a golf course was in view. I was amazed to see the green covered in balls, I thought people pinched them. Mentioned this to sister in law A

"Oh, nobody does, they all have printed on them STOLEN FROM ******* HOTEL"

No hassle this time, so I`m in for next year if needed.

The detective working on the Darwin case has warned everyone "Don`t even think about doing a Darwin.!" They hadn`t quite cracked the "Lying low because we`re criminals." concept. It was bound to have gone pear shaped in the end, but how`s that for irony...setting up a canoe company? I suppose it would have worked if he hadn`t taken out a library ticket, couldn`t they have bought books at a charity shop with all the money they had? But they obviously believe that charity begins at home, pity that they didn`t include their own sons in this philosophy.

Ten by Ten at the Cumberland

It was my first attempt at the Ten by Ten event at the Cumberland Arms (Ten performers have ten minutes in which to sing, dance or read their work)I had practiced my routine, but found that on the night needed to refer to my notes, I wore my paisley pinny and turban which I had made. What an act to follow, Gerard Rudolf, a fine poet and storyteller, I was second, which was good for me in another way as I was really feeling nervous, I`d be able to relax afterwards. The acts were of a really high standard and I was really pleased with the response I received (Even when I forgot some of my words)

Lots of things go on in the rest of the building, a skiffle group plays catchy tunes like Don`t bring Lulu and Roll out the barrel, there were Morris dancers and accordian players in another room, it`s been packed the couple of times we`ve been in the audience, and they have bands playing throughout the week.

As I had been on strike Wednesday and Thursday, I took the day off on Friday to travel with my friend KW, who I have recently caught up with again after losing touch with eachother in 1973. She had moved away to go to university and as people do, we got absorbed into our own lives.At an old school reunion last November, someone had her telephone number, so I rang and as a result she has stayed with us a couple of times.

We drove down to Suffolk where she now lives and I spent from Friday until Tuesday visiting market towns in the area, eating home grown and cooked food, looking at old photos and her art work. I have always drawn first, then got frustrated when I apply the paint to find that it hasn`t turned out quite how I envisaged. She starts with colour, and sometimes doesn`t know at the beginning what she will create, a much more imaginative way to work, I`ll certainly try that.

She had always been a fan of retro fashions, we used to make our own clothes, only she was a perfectionist, tacked and took her time, whereas, I had to have the creation on that night, so hence one puffed sleeve and one floppy one, we used to trawl the jumble sales, seek out a nana`s festooning skirt, cut the waist band off and lay a pattern on it, and there we had another dress.

KW has an impressive garden with summer house, beautiful plants and a water barrel and pump which two local cats frequent as their watering hole. A ginger cat and a smoky grey one, the grey one has a cropped tail, he`s called Arthur, so they have dubbed him Arfur-tail (Half a Tail, ha ha) He was lying on the path on his back and K said "Look at him sunning his bollocks, only he hasn`t got any now."

We toured the retro shops looking for necklaces and ear rings, went to a place called Snape Maltings which used to be an old brewery near the river, but the buildings have been turned into art and craft galleries and a museum, the old buildings are fabulous.

Came back on the train. K dropped me at the station where I took a train to Peterborough, then went first class from there to Newcastle, not a way I usually travel, it was such a fabulous way to go. A single window seat with a little table,fabric place mat, ceramic cup and saucer, sugar bowl. A trolley came around with sandwiches,crisps, fruit juice, cake and coffee. I was even asked if I wanted a top up. I could get used to this, but unless I win the lottery....

Caught up with my ironing today and as I was flicking through the channels, stumbled on the God Channel, a bloke was telling people in the audience that God was working on people with lung problems today,(God had told him this) so he was inviting anyone up on the stage if they had asthma, bronchitis or lung cancer to be cured. This was going on in Florida. A man got up and stated that he had asthma for 20 years and it was now gone. An assistant stood behind him, and when the "healer" touched his forhead, he blanked out backwards into his arms. Healer told the people "Cynical people don`t last long, happy people do." He did this kind of Harry Potter movement as if he had a wand in his hand, directing his "energy" towards a nana on the stage, she flipped over onto the people sitting down in their seats.

Went into town, called in to Art Cafe, and B was on top form, asking all of the women in there how old they were, he was the youngest at 45. I told him that he was the young chicken and we were the old roosters, he said "I don`t know about a young chicken, more like an old cock." I was trying to see a detail on a photograph and asked him if he had a magnifying glass, he replied "Why, is it that long since you`ve seen your husband`s apendage?" He brought me a pair of jam jar bottom glasses and I still couldn`t see. As I wasn`t with friend D today, he asked "Where`s all fur coat?" He should be on the stage, but then he wouldn`t be able to pretend that he`s working, as he does now in his own cafe`.

Talk Titanic

I really do love travelling by bus, the interesting people makes up for the usual sausage roll remnants on the floor and the occasional rolling pop bottle which nobody wants to pick up, it becomes quite musical after a while.I imagine many a budding Mozart will have composed his masterpiece on such journeys.

Met an old fella struggling into his seat at the back of the bus, he sat opposite me, he smiled through a sigh. I asked him if he came into town for shopping every day. His wife had suffered a brain haemorrage seven years earlier and was left disabled in a wheelchair, she`d been in a coma for 6 months, he looked as if he`d been through the mill. It turned out that Mr. C had lived in Frank Street Benwell, where my husband was born and we started exchanging the surnames that we remembered, memories of the old outdoor toilets, woodworm and pitch darkness when sitting on the throne. He laughed when he remembered one night on returning from the pub, a little the worse for drink, he`d stumbled into the outdoor toilet, it was the middle of winter, the toilet bowl shattered, floods of water cascaded out, he couldn`t unloose the catch (sneck) on the door and was soaked.

Mr. C went on to talk of old neighbours, one old lady had taken care of a relative`s belongings after she died, a bag among the possessions had boarding pass, tickets and things left from the Titanic, she had survived the sinking. I asked what happened to it, he said regretfully, they had thrown it all in the bin.....what!!!!!
It wasn`t of interest to them back then. What a character, I really enjoyed my journey, he thanked me for an interesting chat.

Later that night, switched on Tv The Last Mystery of the Titanic is showing on Discovery Knowledge, the camera follows into the boat deck level, staircase and down to E deck. I ponder at where the old lady was in all of this.