Saturday, 1 March 2008


Really looking forward to my sandwich that I have just made,I switch TV on, settle down in the armchair. There`s some woman who has set up an experiment to highlight heart problems, a disgusting demonstatation of an artiery exploding, she explains that blood will be flooding around our system when this happens. I switch channels, an insurance advert, premiums and get a free Parker pen. Change again, another advert "..the bunged up feeling in your nose is not caused by snot...." then there`s the blocked ears one, an image of tan coloured goo being blitzed. Are we never safe to eat in peace? There are adverts for teenage acne,blackened toe nails, false teeth fixatives. But the clips that cause the ultimate in queaziness are of people giving blood samples, I try to look away for what I feel is a reasonable time necessary to avoid this, but it`s still on the screen. As I always pass out when giving blood you can guess that programmes like ER, Casualty and the like are off my list.

D comes in from work and G is lounging in the chair, he notices his father and starts to sing
G "Umpa Lumpa dippity doo,"
D "Cheeky Charlie, did you sign out from work today, Bt have been on the phone to see if you were"
G "Dead?"
D "Very Funny"
G " I did sign out, did you tell them I`d signed out?"
D "No...I told them you were dead."
G Grunts.

The Northern Rock customers have all queued up for their money back, the old clips were on Tv, it reminds me of Most Haunted, one screams and they all copy, but they don`t know why, they haven`t heard or seen anything themselves.

In the weekly free paper there are lots of advert sheets, one of them includes a wine list. "Wonderfully rich wine which shows classic cabernet blackcurrant and... (Wait for it) cigar box elements." how can a wine taste like a cigar box.
"Fruit of the chardonnay giving a .....long finish??? Then there was a Hungarian wine which was "Crisp and full with spicy flavour, we associate with the grape" Do we? I know nothing about wines, only that I prefer white to red, but these descriptions reminded me of Jilly Goolden and Ozzie Clark, she used to wax lyrical over tastes, "Oaky and fruits of the forest" but I usually detect a hint of tin and vinegar or furniture polish, so I`m more likely to hit the brandy, now that`s what I call a paint stripper.

The Easter Eggs are in the shops, but they have been since January where they were piled up on one aisle, and the sale Christmas decorations opposite. Last week in Morrisons, we were walking down the frozen foods aisle, a couple in their early thirties were discussing what to buy, as their 5 year old weilded his plastic broadsword in and out of the freezers attacking the broccoli and cauli. They were oblivious to his conquests. No doubt some poor sod would have the job of chasing peas around as part of their cleaning duties at the end of the working day.

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