Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Gagging for it Granny

Watching day time TV, there`s an interview with a game old bird who has given up tupperware parties, knitting clubs etc to run a sex toys party business. She explains to the female presenter that you can tell which vibrator suits you by holding it near your nose, if you sneeze, that`s the one for you. The male presenter is doing all he can not to giggle, when she announces that it has made her nose numb. There is a photo of the old dear showing her holding a vibrator to each ear. Granny goes on to explain a game that is played at the party, Granny tells us "It`s a bit like pin the tail on the donkey." each woman draws a man (Minus willy) and has to place the paper on her head then try to draw the appendage. This breaks the ice. "You`d be surprised where they end up" says Granny. Female presenter demonstrates a pink vibrator`s shudderings on her hand "It`s on my wedding ring" she pipes up. Her colleague turns his face away from the camera, shoulders shaking, she isn`t aware of the double entendre here.

Next up are Crufts contenders. One owner is dolled up in horse and hound gear. prancing about like a ballet dancer, while her hound does a kind of doggy dressage. A Wurzel Gumidge lookalike is on next, complete with furry boots, sack cloth outfit tied up with string, she encourages her furry friend to climb across her back then run in and out of her legs to the tune of If I only had a Brain from the Wizard of Oz.

I travel by bus to town. The woman in front is reading, I scan over the page... words like....Seven dragons..Domesday and the name Olivia Butler. The man next to her has a long grey ponytail, but is quite bald at the front. The woman opposite is wearing a grey and white fleece which sports 3 full sized wolves across the back, and a young girl with a mobile to her shell like and earphones to her ipod on the other ear. We approach the Byker Wall across the bridge, pass the bingo hall next to an old church which has been converted into an advertising company. The post office hasn`t opened yet, and there is a queue for the Giro`s.

I call to the shop for the paper, there is a magazine with a free gift....build your own brain.. there is a plastic half brain and a grey moulded mass. I wonder if the lady with the dog needs a one


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