Ruling the Roost

After winning £250 on the union raffle and the Easter egg at work, I am imagining that my third windfall is about to arrive. It came in another form however, after fierce winds overnight, we receive a phone call from Windermere Lake officials to say that our boat has broken its moorings, they have set it on land for now. This may involve paying for a new mooring position, however, there is a one nearby which hasn`t been used for 12 months, we are allowed to use that until we get another. We are waiting to hear how much this is all going to cost. Also the front fence is in danger of falling over. D resolves this "For now" and uses rope to tie one of the fence posts to a nearby tree. We`ll see how long "For now" lasts

Chico, our new pet is surprising everyone by copying the phone ringing, he answers with Hello, then a garbled mix of human words ending in Bye. He has taken a bath in his water dish and soaked everything around him, but he`s sooooo cute. Son P and daughter in law B have stayed over the holiday from Thursday, they brought their trainers with them as they intended to go out jogging, B developed a bad cold and it began to snow so they didn`t get much past out local Jingling Gate. We were out for a meal on Friday, and she treated us to her fabulous chilli chicken dish on Saturday night. It all comes around too quickly and they return to their own home on Sunday evening. They left wearing their trainers.

We are back to the insults between D & G. G is about to leave the house, is wearing his grey cap, he looks at Chico through the bars of the cage, the bird rushes towards him.

G "Look, he thinks I`m another bird, he thinks the peak of my cap looks like another bird"
D " Yeah, he thinks you look like a bald eagle."

We laugh and Chico copies the sounds.

If this bird doesn`t pick up their insults, I`ll eat My hat.

I Believe I can Fly

We discuss the possibility of buying a bird of some description. I suggest a shop that is on Shields Road, but D informs me that there is a breeder Parrotcare in Bedlington who teaches the birds to crap in their own cages, and even when they are out flying around the house, they will return to their cage to do this. But, when I see them flying free, I think it`s cruel to cage any bird. But D thinks it will be ok to let it fly around in here. This is coming from someone who while passing through as I was watching Life of Birds, said

D "That`s a funny eye"
Y "It`s a bird laying an egg."

D threatens to cook a chilli for tea, as he always mulches the ingredients within an inch of their lives in the mixer, G says "Don`t make any for me `cos it`ll be mush" Surprisingly, it`s lovely and G samples it.

The shop at Bedlington is open at 12.00, so D leaves the house at 11.30 for a 15 minute journey, he is going to make sure that he is first there. P & B are home for the weekend and we are in the sitting room with G, who repeatedly rings his father on the mobile to check if he has bought one. D returns with a massive silver cage, two bags of food and Chico, an African Grey. The parrot is looking out at us from a kind of carrying case with a metal grid, D says that he was given this free. When I check the receipt, it was £10. The breeder has advised us to leave him in the cage for a couple of days until he gets used to our surroundings, hence, D stands in front of the cage twittering at the creature. When I draw his attention to this.
Y "Leave the bird alone for it`s sake."
D " Go and make a cup of tea for my sake."

Returning to Life of Birds, Dunnocks are featured, we have some of these little creatures in the clematis in the back garden nesting. I was amazed to learn that the female has a particular talent for mating with a chosen male, after he has left, she can expel the sperm, go on to mate with other males, and each one is under the impression that he is the father. She is thus ensured that her babies will have enough food supplied by many gullible partners who run around after her. I believe that there is a name for such a person in the human world., but with the advent of DNA testing this is becoming more difficult.

It`s not long before D & G lock horns over the parrot`s future vocabulary.

G " I`m going to teach it how to say Fat boy."
D " I`ll teach him to say Baldy boy."
Y Laughs
D " Well we all know what Chico will learn from you Y, the Windows start up tune."
Y "Ha, ha, very funny."

At first Chico is a little shy, but copies the odd clicking sound. Then as he becomes more comfortable we hear lazer, bell, alarm clock, laughing, ring tones and Hello and Come on. D rushes out to Jolleys Pet Shop and returns with a climbing contraption, 3 pieces of log joined together by rope. He enjoys scanning Wikepaedia for tips on rearing and feeding, he learns that avocados are poisonous to parrots and that there is cyanide in apple pips, well I never!!!

No Place Like Home

D is trying out his new cordless earphones, apparently Ferry Across the Mersey is playing, I don`t recognise the tune, but the words are familiar. It sounds like a cat maowing. I suggest that we go out for a run in the car.

I take my camera with me, I have a couple of addresses I want to check out against my family tree. We pass the old glass works where an uncle of mine had been a glass blower. Next, the electricity power station:-

D "When I was a kid I used to think that this was where prisoners went to the electric chair."

Bentinck Road goes by....

D "Wacky Jacky used to live up this street, can you remember him, he used to say" Is it bleeding?" I wonder why it is that the memory retains so much crap, and yet I had asked him to pick my jacket up from the cleaners and he forgot.

The Redheugh Bridge is next, the old bridge stood right next to where the Arena stands now, and it`s concrete replacement is rubbish. After more photos taken we go over the bridge, the toll house building is still there, but the old streets have long gone.

It`s quite a blustery day, we carry on to Tynemouth where D`s ancestors had lived on Percy Park, just across the road from the Priory. I have as many snaps to put with my census records so we go home.

Back home, D is watching A place in the Sun, Spain and Portugal are featured, tales of Brits who have lost their life savings on properties which the Spanish repossess because they decide to use the land for a new development. Yes, there`s alot to be said for our own country, we moan about this and that, but this kind of robbery would not happen. I am definitely one for staying where you heart is, and in the words of Gerry and the Pacemakers

"And this land`s the land I love and here I`ll stay."

Sky Arts vs Constipation Street

I`m watching a programme on Sky Arts on Dali. D is disgruntled, but I remind him that I have had to endure Constipation Street, Enemadale and The Pill, I ask him

Y "Aren`t you interested in the subconscious mind?"
D "No I`m frigging not!"
Y "Oh, I see, you`re still having trouble with your conscious mind."
The presenter explains that the piece of work he is describing is "Between a lobster and a telephone."
D "Is it f**k"
We laugh, I am well used to his Philistine tendencies. I don`t really expect him to show an interest, he doesn`t paint or draw, come to think of it, I haven`t drawn or painted anything for ages, the last effort was of a Greek man when we were on holiday in Rhodes. (Photo)

I say that I endure his programmes, but I usually work on the computer when these are showing. I know when they have finished because he generally asks me what I am doing, he`s oblivious to my pursuits when he`s otherwise engaged with soaps. He sometimes views Antiques Roadshow, where the women are genuinely interested in the history of the object and the men display an expression of "Hurry up and get on with it, I need to know how much it`s worth."
The most amusing item viewed on the show was a vase with a golden globe like lid, it turned out to be a door knob that some ancestor (Probably a man) couldn`t be arsed to put away. It`s a dead giveaway when people pretend to be posh, they always drop themselves in, it`s so not worth the bother to alter your accent. Mine is decidedly Geordie. Reminding me of a nursery that I used to work at. One little four year old informed me with a smirk on his face "Mrs Y, some people say barrth and some people say bath." I obviously slotted into the latter, little monkey.

There`s a local news item, the interviewer has taken his questions to the streets, wants to know how many people know the names of the seven deadly sins, a vicar is caught out by only remembering about 4 of them.

I`m working on the computer, checking my hot matches on Genes Reunited, I look at the clock, It`s 12.40, I have until 2.30 before I need to leave the house, leaving myself 15 minutes before to get changed out of my old jeans and T shirt and put on some slap. After many matches checked and either rejected or replied to I glance at the clock, It`s still 12.40. Then I notice that the minute hand is merrily clicking away on the spot. I dash into the next room where a clock displays 2.20, shite, if I`m to get to the book club on time I have to be at the bus stop for 3.00.
My changing routine is rapidly speeded up, and I know that I will be sitting on the bus torturing myself with "Did you turn the computer, iron off, lock the door."etc

Our first meeting at Laboca Art Cafe went very well, we discussed Unless by Carol Shields, loved this one, she`s a brilliant comic writer. B amused everyone as usual as he served us his excellent coffee. Next I went to the Lit and Phil, Jeff Price of the Poetry Vandals was reading his work from his book Doors, and we were priviledged to listen to poems from his pending book. His poems are regional and about everyday life and relationships in families, a breath of fresh air, as at some readings the poets can be really pretentious. Must find out where the Vandals meet, if the others in the group are similar kinds of writers it will be an excellent night out, then my husband can have full control of the remote for the TV, thus spending an arts free evening to himself.

Whitby Harbour

It`s been four years since we last visited Whitby, I`ve been looking through old photos. It`s a fabulous place to visit, very gothic in places, but lots of cafe`s and wonderful views from the ruin at the top.In some parts, the winding streets remind me of Cornwall. We will need to consider places nearer home for this year`s holidays, or more to the point... days out, after all of the cash we`ve paid out. But maybe there is an end in sight, I was the only member of staff from the nursery to attend the Unison AGM this week, just got there on time. On signing in everyone was given a free lottery ticket to be drawn at the end of the meeting (presumably to keep them there to the end) There were lots of interesting accounts of work done in Cuba and Columbia, theatre groups run by special needs members and the beleagured equal pay status issue. However, as soon as the finance report was to be read, about 30 people near the back beggared off. One of them must have had the winning ticket, so another ticket was picked... mine... number 525, I won £250, I`ve never won as much in my life. Husband D is cock a hoop with the win, we might even get as far as a weekend in London!!! Of course the little waster G was hovering in the background hoping for a windfall, but decided to pinch a bottle of Beck`s from the fridge while his father was otherwise engaged.

Gagging for it Granny

Watching day time TV, there`s an interview with a game old bird who has given up tupperware parties, knitting clubs etc to run a sex toys party business. She explains to the female presenter that you can tell which vibrator suits you by holding it near your nose, if you sneeze, that`s the one for you. The male presenter is doing all he can not to giggle, when she announces that it has made her nose numb. There is a photo of the old dear showing her holding a vibrator to each ear. Granny goes on to explain a game that is played at the party, Granny tells us "It`s a bit like pin the tail on the donkey." each woman draws a man (Minus willy) and has to place the paper on her head then try to draw the appendage. This breaks the ice. "You`d be surprised where they end up" says Granny. Female presenter demonstrates a pink vibrator`s shudderings on her hand "It`s on my wedding ring" she pipes up. Her colleague turns his face away from the camera, shoulders shaking, she isn`t aware of the double entendre here.

Next up are Crufts contenders. One owner is dolled up in horse and hound gear. prancing about like a ballet dancer, while her hound does a kind of doggy dressage. A Wurzel Gumidge lookalike is on next, complete with furry boots, sack cloth outfit tied up with string, she encourages her furry friend to climb across her back then run in and out of her legs to the tune of If I only had a Brain from the Wizard of Oz.

I travel by bus to town. The woman in front is reading, I scan over the page... words like....Seven dragons..Domesday and the name Olivia Butler. The man next to her has a long grey ponytail, but is quite bald at the front. The woman opposite is wearing a grey and white fleece which sports 3 full sized wolves across the back, and a young girl with a mobile to her shell like and earphones to her ipod on the other ear. We approach the Byker Wall across the bridge, pass the bingo hall next to an old church which has been converted into an advertising company. The post office hasn`t opened yet, and there is a queue for the Giro`s.

I call to the shop for the paper, there is a magazine with a free gift....build your own brain.. there is a plastic half brain and a grey moulded mass. I wonder if the lady with the dog needs a one

Castle Keep Newcastle upon Tyne

We have the best city in the world, Newcastle upon Tyne boasts excellent restaurants, night life, culture and history. Our castle keep takes some beating, the views from the top are breathtaking, and the Bridge pub opposite serves great food. The views from the pub take in the bridges over the Tyne, the Sage and quayside, they also have an outdoor area.

Male Dominated Society

We go to the pub with pals I and husband M. M asks me what book I am reading at the moment, Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi, I reply, It`s in comic strip style and gives a humorous view but also informative and shocking in parts. The author grew up in the midst of the Iran revolution. D and pal I look suitably bored,

D "Yes, what`s that all about wearing that.....?"
M "Bhurka...hijab?"
D "Yes, it looks like they`ve just stuck a paper bag over their heads, and it`s a disgrace the way they treat the women, don`t allow them their own opinions."
M "And in some cases the women are burned or killed."
I "Honour killings"
Y "Nothing new about that in our culture also, for those that have plenty of money that is. What did happen to Marilyn Monroe, and who was that girl who drowned after her car went over the bridge, Edward Kennedy was having an affair with her? And we still don`t really know what happened to Lady Di."

D is still expressing his disgust at male dominance over women. Then suddenly remembers one evening last week, he informs M that he went to bed before me. I was watching a late edition of the Book Show on Sky Arts. D stood at the top of the stairs oblivious to the fact that G was in bed alseep.

D "The bed`s not made, there are no covers or sheets on it!"
Y "They`re in the cupboard."(forgot to put new ones on when I stripped it earlier)
D " Well, I can`t do it, you`ll have to sort it out"
G "Shut up you noisy sod!"

Friend I is guffawing by now, "He can`t see the irony can he" she screeches with laughter. Laughing so hard, we glance from one to the other incredulous. D takes another sip of his lager. Friend I has to lie down on the sofa, crying and in obvious pain.

D "What`s she laughing at?"
M " D lives at 64 Afghan Drive"
We laugh again
D "Does anyone fancy a cheese toasty?"

I`ve discovered YouTube. my favourite clips are Snowball the dancing cockatoo who struts his stuff to Backstreet Boys, Bull Terrier vs Cat, shows a sly moggy get the better of a boisterous dog to the tune of Benny Hill`s chasing song and the Emmerson family in chorus with Chorpy Chorpy Cheepnis. They are all gathered together in their sitting room, the granny sits in the middle of the sofa holding a bottle with rice or something inside and uses it as a musical instrument. The main character, in typical Geordie fashion is at the head of it all "As daft as a brush" whipping them all up. Yes, It`s cheesy, but you can`t help but admire their enthusiasm, solidarity and closeness. A blast from the past when families held their own entertainment, who of us today can claim to have regular get togethers?

The family are showcased on local TV, the granny is mortified when she drops her bottle onto the floor mid interview, but main character to the rescue, he picks it up and nuts it into the air. Love the shirt by the way.

Adverts

Really looking forward to my sandwich that I have just made,I switch TV on, settle down in the armchair. There`s some woman who has set up an experiment to highlight heart problems, a disgusting demonstatation of an artiery exploding, she explains that blood will be flooding around our system when this happens. I switch channels, an insurance advert, premiums and death....you get a free Parker pen. Change again, another advert "..the bunged up feeling in your nose is not caused by snot...." then there`s the blocked ears one, an image of tan coloured goo being blitzed. Are we never safe to eat in peace? There are adverts for teenage acne,blackened toe nails, false teeth fixatives. But the clips that cause the ultimate in queaziness are of people giving blood samples, I try to look away for what I feel is a reasonable time necessary to avoid this, but it`s still on the screen. As I always pass out when giving blood you can guess that programmes like ER, Casualty and the like are off my list.

D comes in from work and G is lounging in the chair, he notices his father and starts to sing
G "Umpa Lumpa dippity doo,"
D "Cheeky Charlie, did you sign out from work today, Bt have been on the phone to see if you were er....er...er?"
G "Dead?"
D "Very Funny"
G " I did sign out, did you tell them I`d signed out?"
D "No...I told them you were dead."
G Grunts.

The Northern Rock customers have all queued up for their money back, the old clips were on Tv, it reminds me of Most Haunted, one screams and they all copy, but they don`t know why, they haven`t heard or seen anything themselves.

In the weekly free paper there are lots of advert sheets, one of them includes a wine list. "Wonderfully rich wine which shows classic cabernet blackcurrant and... (Wait for it) cigar box elements." how can a wine taste like a cigar box.
"Fruit of the chardonnay giving a .....long finish??? Then there was a Hungarian wine which was "Crisp and full with spicy flavour, we associate with the grape" Do we? I know nothing about wines, only that I prefer white to red, but these descriptions reminded me of Jilly Goolden and Ozzie Clark, she used to wax lyrical over tastes, "Oaky and fruits of the forest" but I usually detect a hint of tin and vinegar or furniture polish, so I`m more likely to hit the brandy, now that`s what I call a paint stripper.

The Easter Eggs are in the shops, but they have been since January where they were piled up on one aisle, and the sale Christmas decorations opposite. Last week in Morrisons, we were walking down the frozen foods aisle, a couple in their early thirties were discussing what to buy, as their 5 year old weilded his plastic broadsword in and out of the freezers attacking the broccoli and cauli. They were oblivious to his conquests. No doubt some poor sod would have the job of chasing peas around as part of their cleaning duties at the end of the working day.