I am in the bathroom, examining my laughter lines, I`ve read somewhere that super models use pile cream to shrink creases around the eyes, kind of gives a new meaning to the phrase "You`ve got a face like an arse". (Usually used to describe a grumpy person. Talking of which, G has plugged in his hair cutter and is shaving his head in the bathroom. D walking up the stairs, with a look of pure menace shouts
"Are you making a boiled egg?" G refrains from comment as his mobile has just sounded, (James Bond theme 007) He carries on his conversation in his room. D takes his chance to nip into the bathroom. When G comes back to resume his task, he sees D in the bathroom shaving his face and returns the previous insult. "Are you making a full moon or a half moon?" then laughs.
Feeling very sleepy.....I resent being woken up at 6.30 a.m. on a weekend. D tells me that he can`t sleep in past the usual time that he gets up for work...Fine, but get dressed quietly...don`t bounce on the bed to put on your socks, then bounce again to put on shoes!!! He`s very much a creature of habits. Friend IW tells me that if he woke her at that hour on a day off, he would be stabbed. So he`d better watch out, I may take a leaf from Sharon Stone`s book and keep an ice pick under the bed.
I board the bus to take me into town to meet friends NH and DK. There is a very plump woman holding onto the hand grip above,she`s around 35, she has her hair pulled together on top with a band, it spikes out like pineapple stalks, Pebbles fashion (the baby from the Flintstones) She is wearing a pink sparkly crop top with a very tight, short denim jacket, her jeans are hipster, and she sports a very large coined belt. Her stomachwobbles around at the movement of the bus, and I am fascinated by the tattoo around her belly button, it disappears then resurfaces among the rolls as she sways. She is having a conversation with her mother who is seated.
Mother "Her washer`s bust."
Pebbles "No...what will she do Mam?"
M "She`ll have to get it fixed."
P(With her mouth full of Monster Munch) "That`ll cost her."
In town, I pass Grey`s Monument,(The soapbox area of Newcastle) A group of evangelists are Telling us all how to improve our lives, I`d love to shout "Yeah, if you all get a job we`ll save on our taxes." but i refrain. My memory wanders back to my childhood pal, SD, who introduced me to her local mission hall, we were around eight years old. She explained that they sang a little song;
Will you come to the mission
will you come?
Bring your own cup of tea
and a bun.
S was in training to win a free bible, I was tempted by the "free" part, all she had to do was recite all of the titles of the books of the bible. I began in earnest, and we spent time rabitting to eachother Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges Ruth, 1st,2nd Samuel, 1st,2nd Kings. I got fed up and didn`t get any further, so guess who didn`t get a bible? One of my brother`s favourite sayings is:
If you always do what you`ve always done,
You`ll always get what you`ve always got.
But the failed bible trial has never bothered me, in fact I can still impress folk by my tale of my brush with brainwashing.
And anyway, my favourite is
You can either run with the big dogs,
Or sit on the porch and bark.
I prefer to bark, thanks very much.
We meet for coffee at Art Cafe, NH is looking through the Lady magazine on the singles page, and reads out "Sensual male, seeks sensual female for sensual activities." DK observes "Sounds like dirty old man seeks dirty old woman for sex."
NH has been to M&S to buy a scarf, she has with her two carrier bags from previous shops she had bought from,one from Oil and Vinegar which advertises "Feel the Passion" and the other from Virgin megastore, she puts the scarf down on the cash desk with the bags. The assistant smirks "That`s a bit of a contradiction."
I tell them about my gift of chocolates from my daughter-in-law B.
Y "They were lovely,they were made by Harry Ramsden."
DK "I thought that they only made fish and chips?"
Y "Oh,..yes..I mean Gordon Ramsay."
(And so, another senior moment to add to the ever growing collection.)