Toe Nail Clippings

Read in the paper that toe nail clippings are up for analysis to assess the risk of women who could develop heart disease, they checked out 62,500 nurses. It showed double the level of nicotine in those with heart disease than in those without. So, that`s a relief, I`m pleased I`m a non-smoker, didn`t fancy the idea of a complete stranger sifting through my trimmings and putting the results into a plates of meat survey.


At the bus stop I overhear a conversation by a man in the company of three ladies. "They`re ganna take 60% of me wage, the CSA is after is. She said I`d smashed up her house, she`s got the kids to say ah did it as well, ah was having a can of lager. Ah give `er £40 oot o` me money,and ah only get £149. Ah see the kids once a week and she`s after stopping me seeing them."

I always sit in front of someone who is sneezing, then I`m too embarrassed to move, I continue reading the paper, trying not to breathe too often. The Encounters page is always of interest, the terminology fascinates me.

Creative spiritual and fun...wanted someone to "Tango through life with him"

Decent chap...described himself as "with broad shoulders, seeks someone into politics and rock n roll"

Willowy woman of 58 who describes herself as "Tactile" and her address was Beds, Bucks

A "Miss Bossy Boots" who is a dreadful SOH (Whatever that is) "Looking for an educated eccentric with which to live life to the edge"

Absolute male...."Abstract artist, 46 gifted looks" (Ha) "seeks highly stimulating, gorgeous female for friendship and relationship

And lastly, a "Well seasoned, energetic ex chef"

Some other snippets of interest noted:-

A retired soldier who lives in a man made hut on Skye and travels by canoe to collect his pension.

A man who had an argument with his wife in the 1980s, lived in a tree for 15 years, he came out ok during the 1999 cyclone that felled trees and killed thousands.

And a bald eagle that lost it`s beak after being shot now has a replacement artificial one, of nylon composite to help it to eat, well I never.

In town, the stag and hen parties are starting early, the best dressed were these lads in superhero, caveman and other character suits. I only meant to take a photo of the caveman, and the others joined in, sorry that I didn`t get an e mail address to post it to them, it came out rather well.

Our parrot Chico is extending his vocabulary, we have stopped watching the F Word which features Gordon Ramsay. We have given him a new bell which he enjoys thwaking against the cage, then he lets it slow down, positions his head so that he gets a scratch.

The other day I was sitting at the computer, a loud bang on the patio door, and as I looked onto the path, there was a kestrel, looking startled, then it rose up and I noticed it had a kind of rat thing at the end of it`s claws. And today when I opened the curtains, a stack of pigeon feathers were scattered around the garden, it`s on the hunt.

Pretending to Buy a Car

Bulk mail has now infiltrated my inbox..."Don`t look fat and stupid this summer" Thanks for the reminder. I`m now receiving up to 18 a day.

Stopped off at a service cafe on the motorway, £23 for two salads, 2 coffees (the most disgusting I`ve ever tasted) and two bottles of orange juice. As we ate two women walked past us on the way out, caught a snippet of conversation "That was the most disgusting coffee I have ever tasted".

We spent time at a friends caravan, husband D opens the door steps inside and stands there like a doll in a cuckoo clock as I pick out the bags. We go into Penrith to a great Mexican restaurant and go to see Sex in the City. As usual we are first there, a tall pony tailed man is marching back and forwards using his mobile, saying "Australia, deadlines and low budget film next time" quite a lot. He gives instructions to a gormless looking assistant who swings her legs on a tall stool next to the popcorn machine. By this time there are about twenty of us waiting to go in. The crowd for Indiana Jones are leaving, and Ponytail appears at the top of the stairs and announces

"Anyone for Sex and the City will you come upstairs" someone laughs

There are some great one liners, a bit too long, and very decadent. I saw a picture of the four of them at the premier, none of them wore a pair of shoes under £400, I could replace my whole wardrobe for that!!!

Back home, D has arranged for new fencing to divide the back garden to make the car port larger next to the garage. He stands at the kitchen window watching them work, and occasionally pops out to ask a question. When they have finished, I tell D that it looks wonky, he gets out his spirit level and announces that it`s a quarter of an inch out, yeah... of course it is. I`m not to bothered because I`ll plant Clematis in front of it, just have to ignore it for a couple of years until it grows over.

Bearing in mind that it had been raining, the men had retreated to their van a couple of times, as soon as they leave D gets out his spray creosote machine, thingymagig. He is out there for a couple of hours and the wood looks a bit darker, but most of it spirals in puff balls over the fence. He is wearing his new jeans, I can tell because he still has the long sticky tape strip(which tells you what size they are) he`s also wearing new shoes!!!! the tea shirt, I`m not bothered about the T shirt becoming creosoted, it`s his black one with a white trim around the neck, makes him look like a vicar, always hated that one.

D is contemplating buying a new car, so rather than go with him, I read the paper. I smile as I remember when our lads were younger, D would say "I`M GETTING A NEW CAR" We would be all breathless stir, spend half a day trawling around the showrooms, then he would back out. The kids used to call it "Dad`s pretending to buy a car"

The photo shows the beginnings of the new library, even the pigeons don`t know where to sit anymore. He looks like he`s missing the old building too.

Recycling

The council is snooping in folks`s rubbish bins now, they want to know how much food people are chucking out, apparently picking out random homes such as university students. Why are they pretending that its to improve on their knowledge of recycling, they will penalise those who don`t recycle. Don`t know if it`s true, but councils are accused of just selling all the recycle resources to China anyway. They are going to educate us on the findings of their research, how to be responsible citizens, well I`d like to see what the council wastes, and i`d like to bet it`s hell of a sight more than your average Joe Soap.

I`m amazed at the husband who took his wife back after she took out a loan for home improvements, £4,500 to have him bumped off by a hit man. Sort of gives a new meaning to home improvements, I suppose that for her the home would be better without him. Or maybe she just imagined that she was doing her bit for recycling.

There`s going to be a 4 day walk out by oil tanker workers, oh great, just when we`d planned to go straight from work tomorrow hoping to stay until Monday with son P and daughter in law B. Apparently, the men are angry at having 13% pay rise rejected, they say that they earn the same as they did in 1993. We`ll still chance it, so fingers crossed!!!!!

And another thing, I`m really missing our Central Library, it was knocked down to rebuild and the new one won`t be ready until 2009.

Snippets of Conversation

The most amusing things are heard just in passing, I was on the escalator in John Lewis behind an old couple, she turned to him and asked
"Did you see that woman looking at those Jimmy Shoe Choos?" he didn`t answer her.
Also, those sum it up one liners on people`s tee shirts....a friend`s husband saw one reading "George Bush family butchers

Watching a programme on the artists Gilbert and George, their singing sculpture, the music was Underneath the Arches which brought back memories of an art class I once went to. At the Christmas party everyone brought food and three older ladies brought home brew rice wine. It was pretty potent stuff, and I overheard two of them whispering together "We`ll be alright as long as she doesn`t sing Underneath the Arches!" I had forgotten about this snippet of conversation, until later in the evening I heard this quivering high pitched rendition of the arches song. She was indeed two sheets to the wind and this must have been the signal to which the pals were alerted for to carry out a disappearing act with her.

Back to Gilbert and George....they were covered in bronze body paint with coloured spots over the top, a little like traffic lights, they were still in their suits standing on a table. They took turns to get down from the table to rewind the tape recorder. One of them held a rubber glove and the other one had a green walking stick, halfway through, they changed over.Is there something I`m not getting here?
And what about these adverts showing sofas being chain sawed in half, some kid is going to watch that and take a kitchen knife to the family sofa "Oh, that`s a good idea, mam`s always saying how she would like to change the furniture around"

I was on the bus in front of two men and heard this snippet
"I`m always looking for photos of myself when I had hair and I can`t find any."
I never get bored on bus journeys, there`s so much to hear and see. I passed a barber shop the other day, the name Van Gogh, had to laugh, the amount of times hairdressers have snipped at my ears.