Best band....Dialect

Happy Clappy Bible Rappy

Tuesday night, D and I are getting ready to go out, son G appears with girlfriend E.

G "How do I make pancakes?"
Y "You`ll need flour and eggs."
G "Is it shrove Tuesday today?"
Y "I`ve no idea, I`m not religious."
G "It`s got nothing to do with religion, I`m asking about pancakes."



A peel of laughter came from the bedroom from E. I joined in and G didn`t understand.

G "Have we got any pancake mix then?"
Y "No."
G "Right then, let`s just go to the chip shop."

Not his fault really, we`re all purely secular in this house. I`ve never tried to force any kind of ethos onto my lads. Some of this has to be blamed on my mother`s choice of husband after her divorce from dad. A bible reading fanatic. Not that I`ve anything against people who believe, some of my best friends are christians, but they don`t ram it down my throat every second of the day. One memory.... I called on my mam and T, he had his bible open on cue. I mentioned a documentary I`d watched on John Lennon.

T "You watch programmes about THAT man?"
Y "Yes, It was very interesting."
T "But, he was a bad man, he took drugs!!"
Y "He had problems."

Then he went back to sticking his nose in the bible. He used to blat on about sin, smoking, drinking and gambling, but he did all of these when he thought we weren`t looking.

Another brilliant Ten by Ten at the Cumberland. Great to see everyone again and the standard was sky high. Comedy, Rap and Music, what more could we ask?

There`s to be a Lyrical Slam on Thursday 19th March at 8.00 at the Cumberland Arms. You need four songs which you can`t sing, but can perform in any way. You can remove words from the song, but not add any. Should be good fun, but can`t think of anything, but would love to see it, maybe get an idea for the next one. Or....what about Lily Marlene in a Geordie accent....no.. don`t get me started on songs from the nazi era, had enough from step dad!!!

Good laugh of the week, speaking to an old fella in the art group. We were talking about where we used to live, Benwell.

J "My dad could speak fluent bad language."
Y "Where were you born?"
J "Back Gluehouse Terrace, but the only time we were stuck up was when we were wallpapering."

Aye the owld uns are the best.

Andrew Motion

Also loved What Have We Here and Spring Wedding.

"My poems are the product of a relationship between a side of my mind which is conscious, alert, educated and manipulative, and a side which is as murky as a primaeval swamp." Andrew Motion

Springbank Social Club

Night out at the Springbank Social Club on Condercum Road. Brilliant vocalist Theo performing Soul, Motown, Reggae and Jazz. One to look out for. Should be the next X factor winner, has it in bucket loads. Another husband and wife duo, comedy act and vocals. Had the locals in fits of laughter. Loved the costumes. People have visited this club for generations. It stands on an old Roman site. Also further down the road, where sheep now graze, was the Charlotte Pit. The club owes it`s name to the fact that a spring does actually flow under the building towards the Tyne.

Advert on T.V gaming and gambling. Tempting the easily led with the carrot "Tickets as low as £1." They know that people will start with the low amounts then get hooked. It`s the old Poundland scenario, when has anyone ever went in there and spent only £1? I defy anyone to spend less than a fiver. I use their A5 hardback writing books, 4 for £1 offer, use them for interviews, poems and observations.

I`m part of the line up for the Ten by Ten at the Cumberland Arms again, have some new poems and will be dressed as Florrie. Comedy is not the only medium I am into, I do miserable too, for some venues it`s an absolute requirement, but as a fellow drinker and performer I know once said

"I don`t want to be crying into my pint all night."

So plumping for laughs on Thursday. Also at the Jazz Club on 12th March.

Chas & Cam Gan-Green

Picked up a newspaper today advertising the usual free cd and noticed another advertising 2 free energy saving lightbulbs. Please can someone offer these to Prince Charles and Camilla, oh, sorry, of course they will be halfway around the world on their private plane, with their cronies on a green campaign, so they won`t be needing them. He looks as "owld as tea" and she`s not far behind him. One of the sayings my mam used to come out with, others being
"She`s a fat as butter."
"The house is like Stagey Bank fair" (God knows where that was supposed to be)
"Yar taalkin` a load o` tripe."
"Yer a lang streak o` misery." (Usually directed at me dad)
"She`s mustard that one!" (Usually directed at one of my pals) and
"He`s put everything on that table like a regiment of soldiers." (Also directed at my dad.)

A crowd of us were picked up outside the Laing Art Gallery on a trip to Border`s Books over the Metro Centre. We were each to choose 15 books, fiction, for inclusion in the new Central Library collection. Couldn`t help but buy two for myself

Sea of Poppies by Amitav Ghosh

Coals from Newcastle by Les Turnbull

I was also tempted by The Konkans by Tony D`Souza, but as it`s my birthday soon, I`ll throw the hints out. Bought a fabulous book mark, it`s metal, a sword shape with a birds claw holding a marble on the top. Probably won`t use it, it`ll be a bit bulky, but, again, a sign of my age, I just wanted it, didn`t need it. Yet more crap to fill the house. It`ll probably end up as part of the line up at a boot sale come the better weather.

Looking forward to seeing Andrew Motion at the preview of the new library. We took it in turns at our poetry group to read some of his stuff and it`s amazing. Wife in the North, Judith O`Reilly is visiting Newcastle again soon, so another date for the diary.

Buggered TV Controls

Our remote control system for the TV is buggered. We have three Universal controls, we are using one to turn the TV on, another to access Sky and another to select a channel. None of us can be bothered to ring the service centre, but half of it is embarrassment to admit that our desperation to watch telly is such that we go through this farce each time.



Went to Woodhorn Colliery on Sunday, there`s a new visitor centre, haven`t been there for around six years, so it may not be that new. Cars of the Stars exhibition there, Del Boy`s Robin, the Bond car, Starsky and Hutch, Herbie and even Postman Pat, The Harry Potter Ford Anglia. The car that drew the most attention was the Bat Mobile. A charge was made of an extra £1 to take photos. We wore a chain and tag to show that we had paid, that didn`t stop a couple with a lad using their mobile phone, posing in front of each car half a dozen times "Now get one with your mam and me. "It`s the old "He`s got 10 items in his basket" in the 9 items or less line scenario. Something rises in British people, we won`t say anything, but long to shove them out of the way and say "Make way for those who`ve paid please." Instead we mut and tut among ourselves. The rest of the place is brilliant, displays, and archive to look at old photos. I love the black and white harshness of the mining pictures. Will definitely use one of these for a graphite or charcoal drawing project at the art club. One display of a miner in the shower caused much hilarity among the kids, but generally very realistic mock ups of pit shafts and original equipment all displayed in an authentic previously working pit environment.

Nearly there for the local history information, need 40,000 words and now have 35, the photos are becoming a nightmare, I have the 200 needed, but keep finding more interesting ones and can`t decide. The mining stories of past pit disasters have held my interest, Montagu being the most horrific. There`s a harrowing photo in the archive showing the women waiting for news at the pit head. Must buy the new book by Les Turnbull- Coals to Newcastle.

In for the next Ten by Ten at the Cumberland in February and a slot at the Jazz Club in Newcastle in March. Haven`t had much time for new writing as I`m totally enjoying talking to local people about their memories, still have another four people to see, the numbers keep growing. I really would like to keep this going even after the book is finished, so much can be lost if it`s not recorded.

I`m sure that Chico said "Fuck", this is the second time I`ve heard him say it. Mind you, that comes as no surprise considering the weather we`ve been having and D and G being telephone engineers, as soon as they open the curtains in the morning it`s the first thing they say.