Fish Sitting

Brother and sister in law D & A are in Cyprus attending the Greek wedding of friends, they are staying in the same hotel in which the reception is to be held. Husband and I are to feed their fish Orange every day, I wonder why a 7 day fish block won`t do, but they tell me that Orange is prone to depression, he hates his water being changed, afterwards he hides behind a writing slate which D & A position outside the corner of the tank. Bearing in mind that a fish has a memory span of around 2 minutes, one can imagine his thoughts during this traumatic time
"I`m depressed, but I can`t remember why!!!!!!!"

Each night we feed the fish, pick up letters and check the plants. Brother has a timer for the
lights and has also set the T.V. we switch it on, it turns itself off at 11.00 p.m. I notice an A4 sheet of paper on the floor, he has drawn around the controls and there are various arrows and numbers around it, he thinks I`m thick.

The week flies by and we call around to theirs on Saturday, they are making a Greek salad. This, I recognise, when we come back from holiday we resolve to eat healthily, exercise and as we have lived for 1/2 weeks without ornaments, T.V. and with the bare minimum of clothing, more resolutions are set to have a mass clearout, we foist all of our rubbish on charity shops, churches and relatives who "Might need it sometime."

They have brought presents, we are given a bottle of Cyprus brandy which is held inside a woven leather casing and has a shiny wooden stopper... (I have to stop myself from wondering how I can use the bottle when the brandy is finished)...... and an ornament...a cup and saucer which reads Cyprus the Island of Venus.

Back home.....If I move back my knitted Channel 4 monkey free with PG Tips and the two plaster flowers from a friend`s visit to Stoke potteries, the angel from another friend and the Chinese chop from son and daughter in law`s honneymoon, and a Piggin Inebriated.... I can just fit the cup and saucer in.

Decorating

I spend all morning chiselling plastic coated paint from a metal unit in the kitchen, the bits are plinking all over my face, neck and arms. When I`ve finished, it`s another chisel job to get it off my skin. I hoover, then sit down with a coffee, sandwich and two mini crunchies. On T.V. a programme called The 200-year-old house is on. The Victorians never cease to amaze, they create a wallpaper which has arsenic in its makeup (to preserve and anhance the bright colours) which becomes airborne when aggitated. The maid, who ironically is employed to keep the place clean, by using her feather duster, is responsible for putting them all in hospital. Her other tasks are to empty the chamber pots, cook and rake out the fire place, hand washing is not one of their strong points.

Outside, the streets run with manky water, which is a mixture of household waste and human waste which would run under the doors, another maid task to sort out, meanwhile, the lady of the house would be seeing to her embroidery surrounded by ornate hair brush sets and books on how to be a good housewife. No doubt later attending the meeting for votes and rights for women with the Pankhursts of this world, which her maid wouldn`t have time for. Suddenly my little cabinet doesn`t seem so daunting.

Day off

D is off work today, so I have the pleasure of his company! I pick out a sliced loaf from the bread bin and notice that it is Ukranian Rye Bread, it`s like rubber and tastes of soda. Just as I am about to take another chewy bite, I notice that D has left a bottle of Otex on the table, and G has brought a cup from his room which is one stage away from growing penicillin.

D wants to got to Wallsend High Street. A supermarket advertises "Save money, shop here and have more money left for beer." As I haven`t eaten anything for my breakfast, that`s if you don`t count one mouthful....I am quite peckish. I suggest that we try this fish and chip cafe, it advertises a pot of tea and bread and butter. We pick a seat near the window. There are two young mothers on the next table wearing hipster jeans and crop tops, one of the mothers feeds her baby of around 15 months which is sitting in a high chair. "This is the first time she`s had fish, she doesn`t like it much, but she`s eaten all the mushy peas." Then they compare tattoos on the small of their backs.

The fish is beautiful, very juicy with crisp golden batter. D has bought an Evening Chronicle, he reads about Kevin Keegan on the sports page, a history of his time with Newcastle United. I listen to the conversations around me. A passing old fella picks up a diners coat from the floor "Ee pet, your in Waaallsend noo, you want to watch, they`ll pinch your coat while your tryin` to do up the buttons." She thanks him and they laugh. The people are really friendly, one of the mothers smiles at me and one of the staff is continually beetling among the tables, removing used dishes, spraying, wiping clean every surface in sight and asking everyone if they`ve enjoyed their food....which reminds me of my sister in law A`s favourite saying...

"After the game, the King and the Pawns all go back into the same box."

Chocolate Fountain

We visit the Cadbury World. We buy Easter eggs, a postcard showing the Frys Five Boys and a massive bar of Dairy Milk which we can hardly lift (this is for the chocolate fountain, yum) The museum has a shop facia,there are chocolate boxes made of wood, satin, silk with very ornate embellishments, they were used as jewellery boxes afterwards. Lots of photos from earlier times showing how well looked after the workers were, cricket matches, kids clubs, trips etc. clowns, interactive games for kids and adults, computer games, adverts,chocolate making demos, films, model villages and a playground.

Afterwards we drive to 81 Elm Road to look at the house where my grandfather`s brother lived when he was a staff buying clerk for Bourneville. Why am I the only one fascinated by this? They are all mortified when I suggest that we knock on the door.Then we drive off to get ready for S`s birthday bash.

He tells us about his new flat in Manchester,he has a new white leather sofa. The lift got stuck with 14 of them inside, one of them threatened to be sick. They heard a muffled cry, so they all kept quiet... it was coming from the next lift "How many of you are there?" ..."Only me" came the reply. One of the other residents tried to open the door with an ironing board. Meanwhile, someone had contacted the press.... another neighbour came along just as they arrived and simply poked her fingers between the doors and they opened... the press were not amused..."Don`t let them out yet, we haven`t filmed it." I could listen to S all day. We chop up kiwi, tangerines, bananas and cherries, then pig out dipping it into the fountain.

Travelling on Easter Weekend

Travelling by car for the Easter weekend to visit the in-laws in Wolverhampton, in the short space from Newcastle to Carlisle i count 23 dead pheasants at the roadside, poor little birdy souls. Caravans, please get off the road, bikers in leather gear trying to look hard. The car in front sports a Churchill nodding dog, a biker nods his helmet in the same rhythm. An annoying song on the radio, Jessica, Tabitha,.....Sue Annabelle too, or something, change channels. A walker wearing a wooly hat carrying a haversack, "I love to go a wandering, along the mountain slope..." how my mind wanders when bored.

Speed camera sign, and then further along the road, a burnt out camera covered with black liner and gaffa tape. Another pheasant, looking beautiful, dithering on the path, number 24? Electric pylons looking like dutch maids carrying buckets, or Chinese pagodas. There is an almighty stink, I accuse D of farting, it turns out its a cow field.

We watch the bumper to bumper lines of traffic, in the opposite lanes, probably heading for the lake district, and are grateful that we sail through on our side. We imagine the amount of children asking "Are we nearly there yet."

A Scottish Saltire flag is flying in a field, there are sheep with dyed orange and green wool. A Thornton`s van goes past, time for a chocolate stop. A dead fox and a dead crow and various little beige creatures pass, but don`t put me off chocolate.
Hello hello, at a place called Vertigo is playing on the radio as we pull in.

Back on the road, cross hatching trees, D is speeding up, listening to his Tom Tom..."After 800 yards keep right" An animal truck passes with little black noses and furry ears poking through the slats, there is a sign advertising Blackpool Pleasure Beach..... the poor little black noses won`t be going anywhere near as pleasant, wish that I didn`t like the taste of lamb. There is a funny smell, I don`t think it`s the cows this time, but daren`t make any more accusations.