On Being a People Watcher

I couldn`t live in a better position, a field right outside my front door which is peopled by dog walkers and kids playing. A huge green metal fence runs from the end of my garden through the middle of the field. This doesn`t please the kids, when their ball goes over the top, they have to walk the full perimeter to retrieve it, poor darlings. So they hit on an idea which involved digging a kind of moat under the fence. They slide their legs through and u shape under.

This has it`s drawbacks for other field players. A man out with his labrador dog watched as the animal scrabbled under the moat and was thoroughly enjoying itself running about in the field beyond. The owner was screaming "Get here, get here!!" all to no avail. Then he began bashing the lead against the fence and stamping his feet. Fido wasn`t paying the least bit attention. There is one couple who walk their shit machine, they carry the little plastic bag as if to say, "We are public spirited individuals who clean up after our pet." But when it craps, they turn the other way. As I say, it`s great to live here watching what goes on.

Over the years I`ve seen an alcoholic stashing her booze among the grass near the fence. Helped a kid down who was impaled by the hands, rang 999 when a lass was kicked by a horse, rang 999 when an old lady was pulled over by her dog and suffered a dislocated knee. Chased R H when he was smashing glass. But today I`ve seen my first robin of the year, and that means cold weather usually, so the walkers will be few and far between before long and the picture show will cease for the time being.

D was bumbling around in the bedroom before leaving for work. I had dozed off again and then nearly jumped out of my skin as I felt a hand on my nose.

Y "What are you doing?"
D "I thought you were dead, I was just checking."
Y "Well you nearly killed me you daft bugger!"

Sometimes I am also expected to be a mind reader.

D (Looking in the cupboard) "Where`s the lawnmower?"
Y "In the fridge?"
D "I mean the hoover"
Y "I think you were using it in the garage."

And also

D "I`ve just seen what the m`call her."
Y "Gis a clue"
D "You know who I mean"
Y "Not really."
D "Who I said I was going to call on"
Y "Nora?"
D "Aye, her. Her son, what`s his name, is going to give me a call, just in case he rings when I`m out and you don`t know who it is."
Y !!!!!!!

Well, time for a gin and orange.