Friday, 16 January 2009

With Bells on

Lizzie Rowe (drawing) Fantastic local artist.

One subject that has really got up my nose this week is the treatment of the Gurkhas by this country`s ministry of defence (I won`t use capital letters for them) How long does it take a country to recognise the bravery of these men, when they are sat in wheelchairs, wearing their medals, which have cost the mod precious little in recognition, a few scabby bits of metal. Why has it taken so long to allow these men to settle here and draw their pensions like every other supporter of this country who have worked all their decent lives. The problem being, they complain, is that it will cost the tax payer too much. The government already squanders our money on their pissy ideas, handouts to those who, to coin an old phrase "Will not work nor want". Anyone who draws dole should put in time on community service, then there WOULD be enough money to honour the Gurkhas.

Went to the pub with I and M, an old pal of ours came over for a chat and told us of his bad back and pain all down one leg. M pointed to his wife Irene and said

"I`ve got a pain in the arse and she`s sitting there."

And while on the subject of insults, friend D and I called in to Laboca, I was showing some old photos, one of me wearing a horizontal striped dress when I was about 11. Cafe owner B sneered

"You couldn`t wear stripes like that now dear!"

Cheeky twat, fortunate for him that he was behind the counter when he said it.

As I hadn`t seen D since before Xmas, we exchanged our presents over a cheese toastie. She opened mine to her, a pair of earrings, then she put her present to me on the chair, it promptly fell to the tiled floor. When opened, it had been a lovely Laura Ashley cream ornate photo frame. Curiously, the glass was intact, but the frame was smashed in all four corners. Should glue back together.

BH was also at the cafe, he had us in stitches as he described the presents that he received from his brother and sister in law. A willie warmer with bells on,and matching socks, a gel mask for hangovers (The ones you put in the freezer),a set of blow up boobs as a head rest for when he`s in the bath and a cocktail shaker. I said

"You`ll look a bonny bugger dressed in all those!"

BH "I`ll take the bells off the thong, but I`ll leave them on the socks."

B "Fancy buying him a cock warmer for a present, and he`ll need an extra hand for the cocktail shaker. It gives new meaning to putting Santa in the sack."

BH said that the willie warmer also had a little button, when he pressed, it said "Ee aw, ee aw."

Y "You`ll have to make sure that you don`t get too close to people in the bus queue."

D told us of her visit to her mother, who is in her 90`s

"She had a face like a melted welly, she was complaining about funerals"

D`s Mam "I don`t want any fuss when I die, I hate these poems in the Chronicle, cashing in on people`s grief."

D`s husband M "Right then we`ll just put, She`s Dead."

D`s Mam "And, I don`t want a wake, it`s just an excuse for people to come for free food and drink!"

M " Right then, we`ll put "She`s dead, no spread."

Went home on the bus, a woman sat on the pull up seat wearing a long parka and an ipod turned up full blast so that everyone could hear Agadoo playing, her black ankle socks with pink hearts showed above her riding boots. A woman in front sporting hoop earrings the size of bracelets. They hadn`t seen Style on Trial on BBC4, what a great show, footage of the 60`s, Twiggy, Mary Quant etc. BH could show them all a thing or two

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