Newcastle United Entrance song

Cruelty to Woodworms

Did my usual stint of logging photos and maps at the library in the village where I grew up. A couple of us got on talking about our childhoods, we remembered tops and whips, we used to decorate the tops with chalk. The string on the whip was wrapped around the top then spun till the little tip at the base got red hot, we used to chase after someone to burn them on the arm.

We got onto the subject of outside toilets, ours had a huge square wooden seat which was covered with woodworms and ponged of the killer lotion which minged with a creosote whiff. I used to bang on the seat, and when the worms popped their heads out I`d stick them with a pin. You may snear, but we didn`t have much money and had to invent our own amusements. I asked my husband D.

Y "Did you ever stick woodworms?"
D " No, I just wanted to have a shit and come out."

We called to friends S and M`s. M was trying to assemble a new computer desk, he left the drawers and doors on the floor with screw driver and other tools. We went into the dining room, D, S and me ate a lovely chicken dinner and veggie M ate salmon. Spent a lovely evening remembering when we used to go to Agistri for our holidays, that`s where we met M & S years ago.

The next day I gave them a call to say thanks for a lovely meal. M answered and asked

M "What time did you get home?"
Y "Around 12, but we watched Educating Rita."
M "I was up til 1.00 in the morning screwing."
Y "I really needed to know that...Oh..you mean the computer desk."

Son G returned from work, a workmate had looked at his identity fob and asked

"Young...... are you podgers son?"

G thought this was hilarious, but D didn`t. This is the drawback of working with your son, they get to know things which can be used at home for winding up purposes.

G (To the parrot) "Say Hello podger."

Listened to Century Radio on the way to work, a listener had called in to say that he knew of politicians dolls on sale in the U.S. He couldn`t quite see a Gordon Brown doll catching on here. Other dolls in the U.S include dolly birds style ones wearing mini skirts and gun holsters. When the radio presenter suggested a Mike Ashley one for Newcastle, would it sell? The caller answered "Only if it came with pins."

So a big bang didn`t wipe us all out. Reminded me of New Years Eve 1999, we were at a party with friends, everyone was gathered in a circle in the sitting room ready for Auld Lang Syne. We all speculated if the power would crash. Exactly on 12.00, the power all shut down, cries of "I don`t believe it" from the one foot in the gravers. Not one of us had noticed the host crouching in the understair cupboard ready to throw the switch, prat!!!!

Time passes so quickly, it just seemed like a year or so ago, and here we are on the verge of 2009, still, another year or two and we will have access to the next census. There`ll be more skeletons in the cupboard waiting for me to drag them out. My ancestors would be spinning in their graves if they`d known that future generations would uncover their closely guarded secrets.

Rage against the machine (Wake up)

Apple Pie

My brother D and sister in law have just returned from a trip to Norway aboard a massive boat.On the way there a crowd of excited young people talked and shouted. D & A went to check out their cabin, it was very small, they could hear the loud suction noises of the toilets from nearby cabins, just as they were grumping about this they heard the youngsters opening the door to their cabin "OOOOh isn`t this brilliant" It was at this moment that D and A felt their age. Noise went on for a bit longer, one girl shouted, "Have you heard It`s a man`s world by James Brown?" brother wanted to shout "Have you heard Shut the F*** up by the Nine Inch Nails. In spite of all this they loved Norway.


Just taken delivery of a new Canon printer from Bt online shop, got it £40 cheaper than prices at every company in Newcastle and Gateshead. Only one of the shop assistants informed us that the cartridges would only have a small ammount of ink in them, the others didn`t mention this. Five cartridges at £10.00 each, this should be pointed out to the customer. It seems to me a bit like saying to a person who needs a wooden leg "It`s extra for the foot." I`m very new fangled with new aquisition, it prints photos on top of CD`s and the quality of the prints are great. No doubt in a couple of weeks time it`ll be out of date, read somewhere that face recognition computers will be the next thing.

Watched an episode of Trinny and Susannah, they were at a factory trying to convince workers to have a dress up day. "Don`t just wear it for best" they say then D looks at me and sarcily says "No, just buy it and buy it and buy it and don`t wear it." But, I do hold my hand up for this, I am prone to buying because I like it, it may not like me. Can`t believe this fad for ra ra skirts in citrus colours. Saw a young lass in town wearing a lime green net one with matching rolled up socks and a huge head band which covered most of her forehead and hair. Does that show my age?

Have finally seen Hellboy 2, loved it so much want to see it again, the creatures are excellent,I really would have loved a job creating those. The German robot reminds me of Herr Flick in `Allo Allo. As usual the one liners are hilarious. A pixy, goblin thing with no legs riding on a bogey is tempted to reveal information with "I have a shiny belt" the reply is "I have no pants"

Couldn`t believe the speech by Palin in support of John Mccain, she seemed to me a little too Stepford Wifish, was she plugged in at the back. He`s picked her in the battle for female votes against Obama. John Irvine gave a great report. Palin was on stage and the camera panned to her husband and kids, Irvine said that he could just about smell apple pie. Then when hubby and kids joined their mother on stage "You would be forgiven for assuming that this was an episode of Family Fortunes." Now we hear that she has been the victim of sexism, could they be trying to take the hard edge off her after she referred to working moms as the "hockey moms". They may have a loose canon there, she`ll get carried along by her popularity.

Never mind what is happening in the rest of the world, flood, famine, war, Newcastle United has lost it`s fairy godfather, Kevin. Why is it that managers, Northern Rock included,waste money on the wrong things. Northern Rock was a profitable concern with supporters, management decided to blow the profits on a massive expensive new building. Newcastle United will not please the fans if management won`t invest in the right kind of players. It`s a bit like saying, I`ve got five pairs of shoes, I really need a new skirt, but I`ll have those green high heels instead. What a position for Keegan to be in, everyone would assume that he had made the choices and he would have been blamed, he had no option but to leave. You`re in the shite now Mike Ashley by preffering to hang onto your toady mate rather than the public`s choice of Keegan.

D was picking me up from work, but arrived early so he called in to Woolworth`s to kill some time. I`d asked him if he could pick up a Bobbi Thompson DVD as we only have it on video.

D "They didn`t have the Little Waster, so I got this instead."

holds out a copy of Lassie!!!!!!!!!

D " It was only a pound"
Y "That`s all it wants to be."


As I type this I can hear it on next door ****ing hell. A kid is saying in a whiny voice "Can I really keep him Mom" a red Indian is talking in his own language and the kid says "Thanks Mr Bald Eagle" then translates for his weakly portrayed women folk role Mom, she feebly puts her hand on his arm. then "Tommy, you rustle up some food and I`ll see about the fire." coming from a manly man wearing a checky lumberjack shirt. Now that`s what I call Apple Pie. Will we get to the Metro Centre today????

The music changes to Dan da dan dan....meant to be sinister "He was inside searching around snooping" "I only get a quarter and he gets half." "There`s two reasons why you won`t shoot me...it`s just a hunch....you haven`t got the guts." I can feel a purchase of something new coming on, retail therapy, nowt like it. Reminds me of a conversation

Y. "What`s the time?"
M "Cowboy time."
Y "What."
M "Den de Den, Den de Den" (slapping his thigh) It was ten to ten.

I hear "He don`t know these hills like we do." "It`s at the head of the canyon." and I`m reaching for my gun.