Rusty mechanisms

G is in his room watching Borat for the umpteenth time, his girlfriend is on holiday with relatives. D has read in the newspaper that WD40 can be used on arthritic joints, apparently the Americans have used it for years....so..that makes it ok then!!!! He returns from the local hardware store, places it on the bench and rushes upstairs to wash his dodgy knee. I pick up the tin, it reads For use on metal hinges, stops squeaks, loosens rusted parts and frees sticky mechanisms....I wonder if it will work on his wallet. Son P tries it on a sore finger, after about half an hour "Hell, this UB 40 stinks, and its not making any difference, I`m going to wash it off" The three of them put together wouldn`t make a good un.

D is full of vigour, and suitably loosened, decides to water the plants with the hose. I ask him to leave the hose out as we have had a number of cats peeing in our garden. I switch on the radio and learn that a new satelite navigation toothbrush is on the market for £150. it supposedly directs the brusher to places that need more attention, the presenters have asked folk to make suggestions of other sat nav uses. A young man rings in, what about directions in wiping your arse, they think this is really funny and ask him how old he is, 21. Then a stream of young women with ideas ranging from how to apply eyebrow pencil, nail varnish, for men to detect the toilet seat, aiming into the bowl, not the floor, and many calls for a sat nav to detect the G-spot etc. G and D need one when working in the kitchen "When you burn the toast and scrape it into the sink...please find the sponge...2 feet in front of you, tap to the left... left ahead.....now turn on the tap... and CLEAN UP after your bloody self!!!!

D has returned from the garden and is watching Robbie Coltrane in the Lake District, then Robbie visits Sunderland where he sees an old fella with a listed pigeon cree., then on to the spooky Chillingham Castle where he will stay the night, near the ghost of "The Mad Tormenter, Mr Sage, the torturer, maybe if those Scottish prisoners had a tin of WD40 with them, the pain might not have been so bad?

A Hollow Place

I am eating a piece of cheese and bite into something crunchy, it turns out to be half of a tooth, one of my own. I`m pleased in one sense that some factory worker with a grudge against their employee hasn`t been at work, but fed up by one more sign of decrepitude. An appointment at the dentist is needed.

I am sitting in the dentists chair, complete with plastic bib and dribble, when my mobile sounds from the depths of my handbag. It`s friend D "Where are you?" "Would you believe in the dentists chair." I arrange to meet her at Laboca Art Cafe later. The dentist tells me that this is her first job since qualifying, I am relieved to learn that my treatment doesn`t require an injection, just a patch up. I am still expecting the drill to start whirring at any moment, but she simply applies the cement stuff, does the tooth not need to be surfaced first....no....never mind?

On the way, by bus, I get chatting to an old fella, very stubbly, he`s wearing a thick grey overcoat and a wooly hat, it`s quite warm. He tells me that he had been an inmate of a borstal when he was young and the staff used to put them in stocks, trapped by their hands then beat them. We muse that they would be hauled into the courts nowadays, but he is adamant that it didn`t do him any harm and that some of the kids now need that kind of treatment. He cracks a joke, "When a lived in Newcastle when a was a kid, wi cud arl speak Italian....we used to shout Ma am ear"

As usual D is late, I chat with cafe owner B. He is holding a sale of Lizzie Rowe`s drawings and work on a Sunday soon and there will be food and drinks, this sounds like it could be something to mark in the diary. When I tell him where I`ve been he quips "Oh, so you`ve had your cavity filled.......you mean you`ve had an oral" we laugh, B is looking out of the window and sees D approaching up the ramp, he shouts "Here she comes, the blond tart, Raquel de Spare Part." We laugh again, when she walks in, she looks from one to the other "Have you two been laughing at me?" he answers "She called you Lilo Lil." Bloody liar.

I take the opportunity to give out leaflets to B`s customers for a coming event at East End Library, a talk on the life and work of Jack Common, there are photos of the Heaton area he was brought up in from the early 1900s. I have asked for a half day to go, but still don`t know if that will be possible. I sit back down and make sure that I do not bite the chocolate in case my filling comes out, but this is exactly what it does. So I have to travel back then wait around for a slot.

There are two elderly nuns in the waiting room with an old woman in a wheelchair, another woman with them who is in charge of pushing, they are saying God bless you alot to the assistants and nurses. They have a mini bus outside and they all pile in with the wheelchair. Come and join us, come and join us.... reminds me of an Enid Blyton trip.....I wonder if they have biscuits and lashings and lashings of ginger beer.

Rolling Chicken

I meet friend D for a coffee at our usual place, Laboca Art Cafe, B greets us with one of his polite phrases"Hello slappers" we tell him to hurry up and serve coffee. He is using his lap top, so we look at his photos showing his partner, they were staying with B`s brother in law who is on the rich list. We are mad jealous of the massive swimming pool and fabulous rooms and furniture (Back to the rabbit hutch)

D and I share our mundane information of our week, I tell her that I had intended to plant some forget me nots in my Dad`s urn (Which I keep in the garden) but I can`t remember where I have put them. I tell her about my bus journey. I accompanied a friend of mine, Irene, we sat together, in front of us we observed a harrassed woman, submerged in food carrier bags, she is so flushed she reminds me of a clockwork doll, while behind us is a friend of I`s mother. We chat to mother`s friend, then notice the woman in front is struggling with her bags to the front of the bus. Irene looks down at her own feet and there is a carrier bag there, "Excuse me" she cries, you`ve forgotten one of your bags." she runs to the front and gives the shopper the bag. We watch as the poor woman hauls herself along he path. We continue our three way conversation until it is time for I`s mother`s friend to get off at her stop, she exclaims "Where is my barbeque chicken?" Whoops.

I have to leave early as I have an appointment for a blood test at the doctors, not an experience that I can stomach, as I generally pass out. Strange, that I can suffer injections to my upper arm, leg and even rump, but find it excrutiatingly sick making when subjected to blood taking, it doesn`t even hurt, but the idea of a vein being punctured does my head in. For this debilitation, I blame my mother, when I was around five years old I have a vivid memory of the return of mother dear from her blood test at the doctors. She took great delight in speaking of "The Doctor said that`s a nice juicy vein." And how she passed out onto the floor and was "Brought around." by smelling salts.

D has been to her static caravan in Cumbria at the weekend and began a converstaion with a fellow camper, a born again Christain, who will sing at church about the holy lamb of god, and then eat them with mint sauce. I am not religious, but still feel guilty eating meat, cute pigs, the beautiful brown eyes of cows and cheeky proud chickens, but I don`t delude myself that "God" put them here for us to eat, I feel guilty about eating a fellow creature, but I am honest and enjoy the taste. This woman was telling D that she was in haste to prepare for her candlelit supper, but she preferred to call them gadabout suppers as they were charging from van to van, then laughed at her own "Joke?"

The nurse takes the needle and phial from the sterile packaging, I am aware of this happening while trying to focus on ....cracks in the ceiling, posters, mindless chatter about the weather... anything to take my mind away from the impending doom of the needle. It doesn`t work, and I hear myself saying "I`m going to put my head between my knees now." She knows the drill. I am left in the room while she beetles around the building , then let myself out making sure that I close the door behind me. I then proceed to the hairdressers. Please don`t ask me where I`ve been, or I`ll pass out again at the thought of it!!!! I pick up a Hello magazine to divert my train of thought, Jordan is shown naked, heavily pregnant, pouting and curled around Peter, who is dressed like Sammy Davis Jnr...white shirt, loosened dicky bow tie and black waistcoat.

I leave to catch the bus home and make sure that I don`t put any of my bags on the floor.