The Peanuts of Agincourt and Other Stories by William Daniel McCumiskey

"I`ll be glad when it`s all in!"

Only in Newcastle would an old woman flump down with arms full of carrier bags, turn to me, a complete stranger and say

"I`ll be glad when it`s all in!"

And probably, because I was born in Newcastle, I know exactly what she means. The Christmas greed-fest is here. We are all brainwashed by advertisers to believe that we are not a true friend, mother, sister etc if we don`t lavish money and gifts to capacity on everyone we know.

As I listen to other folks on the bus, the conversation ranges from

"I hate it when you send all of your cards and then you get one from somebody who you`ve forgotten to send one to." or

"We haven`t got the tree out yet, have you?" or

"I`m just giving them all vouchers this year." or

"I`m not wasting so much food this year."

There`s something good about people chatting to eachother about nothing in particular, the holidays are nearly here. But, as I listen to all of this, I am aware that I haven`t got my tree up yet, there is a box in the kitchen with cards, I can`t remember their surname, address, partners name etc. and I will probably buy too much food.

Went to a 60`s night at Central Library, I love the whole regurgitating of memories indulgence. When mam bought one of those red tomato shaped sauce bottles with the green stalk bit where the sauce came out, spinning top fag ash tins, Scholl sandals, cider, Emergency Ward Ten. Going to the Majestic with a pal. We liked perfume by Picot,she wore Pagan and I preferred Suede. In a hurry to get to the dance floor, rooting around in her bag, finding the bottle, she slashed her perfume around her neck only to discover that it was her black eye liner. Working as a telephonist for G.P.O Telephones. On directory enquiries, I answered a query with

"I`m sorry sir, we don`t have a W Robinson for that address.Are you sure that the initial is W for William?"

The caller replied

"No, it`s W for Wobert."

More seasoned operators were well used to the nuisance calls and dealt with them accordingly. We learned alot from these women.

Caller "My willy is 9 inches long."
Operator "Is that all? I`ve left a bigger one at home."

Caller "What colour are your knickers?"
Operator "I`m not wearing any."

The best laugh I had working there was when a man asked for a reversed charge call to Edmundbyers. I asked the lady at the other end

Me "I have a call from Edmundbyers, will you accept the charge?"

Lady "Yes."

Man "Hello."

Lady "Hello Edmund."

Man "You stupid cow, that`s the village I`m calling from."

Memories are made of this.



"

Lorna Windham (BBC My Story)

The Reds Music