A Place of One`s Own

D is watching a John Wayne cowboy film, he falls asleep, the minute I switch channels he shouts. "I was watching that!" "Oh yes." I say "So what was it about." "I know what it`s about, ok, just put it back on the channel." then dozes off again. I flip to another channel in time to hear Jonathan Ross say to Julian Clary "So you were held to wansom" they are speculating whether he would have been tortured on his visit to Russia when he accompanied a gay rights activist. I decide to stay tuned as Sting is on next. Having watched my choice I am in time to turn back to D`s channel as he wakes up again. This time, there is another John Wayne film on, they are aboard a WW2 battle ship, they are saying things such as.
"Pass the word to abandon ship." "Fire over her bow" "Clear the bridge" "Report to the bridge" "Take a star shell over her" "Here`s our log, take it to your captain" "I think they`re going to ram us sir." Yawwwwwwwn. I switch again, he complains once more that he was "Watching that" but when I again question him on the content, he reports dialogue from the cowboy film.

Chico, our parrot lands on the computer desk, and as he is on the edge, he uses the radio aerial to hold himself upright, there are little beak dints all over it. I give him a metal ring, and he holds it in his claw, looking around the room through the hole. D and G are not flavour of the month with the bird, he allows me to scratch his head, and will sit on my arm, but he bites son and husband if they try to touch him. If anyone picks up a phone he shouts "Hello, how are you...ok the know...you ok..se ya..tara." then makes the sound of the phone going back into the stand. A friend at work also has an African Grey and a dog called Blue. The dog was barking and she shouted "BLUE" the parrot added his own words "Get into your bed"

We go to a family birthday barbeque,my sister in law`s mother B is 80. There is lovely food and lots of people there. Husband D and brother D enjoy partaking of the alcohol, Hus D asks my brother "Do you polish your head?" Then tells an onlooker, how when he was young he wouldn`t have minded if his hair had turned purple, as long as he didn`t go bald" How`s that for tact? B`s husband S has a wheelchair, he is indoors and the chair is in the garden, brother parks his backside on it drinking from a bottle of Becks, it makes a great photo. G is in charge of the bbq and as his sausages are becoming carcenogenic, a fire engine can be heard, he stops in his tracks, and when it speeds past, service is resumed.

I tell D that there is a guided walk in town and ask if he would like to go, he is waiting for people arriving to view the caravan which he has for sale in the newspaper, so he declines the offer.

I turn up near the central station near the Hume statue to meet up with others who are interested in their heritage for a guided walk around Newcastle.The talk is on the Seedy and Sophisticated in the time of Jane Austen. We
take a look into the Old Assembly rooms, we are in what would have been the sophisticated part of town. There are fabulous chandeliers,
paintings and stories of a ghost. We go to the back of St Nicholas Cathedral and see the buildings where ThomasBewick and Ralph Beilby worked and view the old castle walls near an ancient building which was once used as a lunatic asylum, the guide is describing what the conditions would have been like, when a gang of teenage lads swagger through the arch of the wall, acting themselves, one is trying to climb up the wall. The guide says "So....nothing has changed" We move on to the part of town which would have been "seedy" in the late 1700s to witness a girl in a gold lame top and shorts swinging fire sticks above her head, then a crowd of lads spill out of Revolution bar dressed as nurses wearing wigs and suspenders.

Four couples have viewed the caravan and there are no takers. I mention this to friend S, she reminds me that the writer Roald Dahl had a den in which he used to write his stories, she thinks it would be a good idea for me to use the caravan for my writing. I inform D of this, and he thinks it`s a great idea. So. he promptly takes his spare stereo, portable TV and speakers, installs them in the van, and disappears for a couple of hours. This is not exactly what I had in mind, but on reflection, he has no heating up there, I have Sky TV in the house and my own lap top, what more can I ask....Peace at last.

The Orphanage

Went to the cinema to see The Orphanage, thoroughly enjoyed this film, didn`t disappoint after loving Pan`s Labyrinth I`d thought it would be a hard act to follow. As I am short in stature, I always sit at the front to avoid taller people blocking my view, only trouble is, everyone in the cinema can see me jump at the scary bits. The way it is shot is superb with some really scary, jump out of your seat moments, doors clashing, things creeping up on you and delayed discovery scenes where you know something is going to leap out.

Afterwards we go to the Rose and Crown, first time I`ve been in there, friendly old man`s pub. Then we moved on down the Groat Market. We get back home pretty late, I put the tumble dryer on while I`m on the computer checking e mails. D has fallen asleep, he jolts awake and shouts

"What`s that helicopter doing?"

Meet D at Laboca,her cat came home after a night on the tiles, it`s head covered in oil, she tried to get the marks off with watered down washing liquid. A friend of her husband`s sent her a text "Would you like me to call around to get the mark off your pussy!" On the subject of animals, she knows a woman who owns one of those furless tiny dogs, it`s called Coco Chacha, but their surname is Bell, it didn`t quite go, so now it`s called Coco Chacha Labelle, it fits in her handbag. Then an old woman who she knows has owned a series of budgies over her lifetime, they were all called Billy (Surname Shay), she has lots of little graves in her garden Billy Shay 1st, Billy Shay 2nd etc.

I ask B if I can take a photo of him for my blog, he obliges, true to character, up for a laugh, and poses with his cake covers, brilliant.

As husband D was off work on Tuesday I met up with him after leaving friend D. We go to the Metro Centre, stop off at Subway for a fabulous honey mustard chicken sandwich, I am just about to sink my teeth into it, when a young couple sit down, the lad has his back to me, he is quite portly and is wearing hipster jeans, I can see nearly all of his backside, not pretty, that`s the second scary sight this week.

"1p for a hover and 2p for a sit"

I`m on the bus going to town, an old fella with silver hair is on the seat in front, there`s a money spider merrily making a web across the strands in a triangle shape from the top of his head to a stray hair behind his ear. 20 minutes into the journey, I can`t take my eyes from the busy little creature, he moves his hand to scratch his head, and I have to stop myself from shouting "No!" He doesn`t harm Incy, my mobile rings and its friend D, she`s heading for B`s cafe. When I look back to check the progress of the web, spidys gone, oh, no.... then crawling around on the crown, I spy him, he`s abandoned his work, then it`s time to alight, I`m not destined to know the outcome of his fate, if he manages to hold on till the old fella goes to bed, he could be pancake.

At Laboca, D is looking forward to her holiday near the Zambeze River, they will be visiting a private game reserve, she informs me that they will have to be up and ready by 5.00am and asks

"Can`t we go somewhere where the animals have a lie in?"

She asks how our parrot Chico is doing, I tell her that he can now copy my husband`s snoring, farting and the signature tune to Coronation Street.

The book club members arrive, it is S`s Alabastar wedding anniversary, 37 years. We have been married 35 years, but I haven`t a clue what that is. Our new book is The Story of My Father by Sue Miller. I visit the toilet, B hammers on the door and shouts

" Hoy, you haven`t paid, I want 1p for a hover and 2p for a sit."

I sample B`s delicious home made soup, we ask eachother questions about the last book My Sister`s Keeper and discuss the ethics of designer babies, ones that are specifically conceived to maintain the health of a sick sibling, and also stem cell research. C is feeling groggy and feels as though she is aboard a ship, we offer to take the books back for her afterwards. D visits the toilet before we leave and B ushers all of us out and pulls down the shutters to the cafe to give her a fright.

We go on to meet another friend at the Centurion, have another coffee, until 6.20 when we carry on to the Lit and Phil for the open mic session. I read some of my poems and we hear a great selection from other members, a fabulous old mariner called Jack Paperman is reading his poems of the sea, what a character, I hope that he comes back. I told him that my Grandfather had been a mariner also, sailing from Falmouth in 1901 aboard the SS Waft, he is going to look through his records. I imagine that he would have a house full of collections.

On the bus coming back home, there are two drunks (At 8.30pm!!!!!! only in Newcastle) both are having conversations very loudly on their mobiles, one of them is saying f*** alot and the other is repeating each word he says about 6 times very rapidly " He`s a scaffolder, a scaffolder, is he a scaffolder man, I`m sure he`s a scaffolder, Duncan, he`s called Duncan, Duncan man, yeah, Duncan, he`s a scaffolder." As I get up to leave the bus I notice that they are actually twin brothers, they finish their conversations together then start talking to eachother, It`s a wonder to me how they don`t knock eachother out with the fumes.

I`m just in time to watch the programme on Stephen Wiltshire using pen and ink to create the London landscape, I saw him on TV when he was a child, he loved to sketch buildings then, but he has moved on to lithographs, oils, pastels, different mediums and shows work in his own gallery. He is autistic and has to have his meals etc at set times, he reminded me of my Dad who had Aspergers, he died 2 years ago this May, what a character he was, always collecting things and inventing new contraptions, I`m sure that he would have been interested in this programme, his favourites were Countdown and anything on animals or the second world war.

This photo shows some of his mates, either looking fed up or miserable, which you would expect, but Dad loved the regimental nature of the army Mam always used to say

"Look at the way he lines everything up on the table like a regiment of soldiers"

He admitted to me when he was 80 that my Nana used to send him letters from home, none of which he ever read, I wonder what his fellow soldiers made of that, they must have depended on letters from home to get them through the horrors they must have witnessed, and in a way, Dad`s syndrome would have been some kind of shield to what was going on around him. He spoke of his van, which he loved to ride around in when he was in Hanover, Oh what a lovely war.

Comedians

Watched a documentary on Ken Dodd, the comedian, a group of pensionable aged women surround him asking for autographs. One of them hands him a piece of paper.
Ken. "What`s your name dear?"
Woman: "Eileen."
Ken. "Do you lean to the left or to the right?"

Without a flicker of recognition that this is indeed a joke, she answers "To the left."


The carpets need hovering, where once we were plagued by dog hairs, now we have feathers and discarded seed husks. Terry Pratchett, the author has the right idea, he has these little dinner plate like remote control hoovers which beetle in and around the furniture in his magnificent house as he sits in front of six computer screens. He`s just recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers disease, which is devastating for such a brilliant mind. When my youngest son P was at middle school and well into games workshops and fantasy figures, which he used to paint, orc like creatures which cost a fortune. Both G and P spent time playing with Castle Greyskull and Star Wars figures, everything went into the loft, the Millenium Falcon, Rebel Star ship, along with darth Vader and the rest of them. We were holding a boot sale one Sunday, and the pair of them retrieved their booty from the loft and sold it all at ridiculously low prices. Years later when P moved away from Newcastle, we went to a science fiction convention and were gutted to see the prices of the self same paraphernalia.

Anything else of value in the loft has long since been sold, due to the discovery of ebay by eldest son G. He soon latched on to the fact that the two Snoopy watches, (original price around £3.50 each) were now worth £18.50 each, so promptly sold both his own and his brother`s. We know when he has been into the loft because the ladders are always left out under the hatch, he never tidies anything away.

I meet friend D at Laboca Art Cafe, B is there to greet us, when he finds out that I now own an African Grey parrot, he jokes

"Well, it`s a good job that you haven`t got a cock-or-two"

Two diners are about to leave, he asks the man

B "Is that your pencil, you`ve left on the table...you haven`t got much lead in it have you?"
Man "Oh thankyou." picking the pencil up and putting it in his pocket.
B "See you again...pencil it in"

This reminds me of a programme on past times, The Way we were. A little lad wearing short pants and a short back and sides haircut, is crouched down on the pavement, he has chalked the words Follow this Line. He trawls around the school yard drawing this line, and at the end, has written If you followed this, your daft by, how things have changed, some of todays kids would be too busy scoring up in the toilets.

A book launch at the local Lit and Phil for three crime writers Chaz Brenchley (Local lad), Cath Stainecliffe (Blue Murder) and Margaret Murphy. K,S,D and me were dishing out the programmes, raffle, free pens, quiz and wine and nibbles. S had also made a lovely punch. The event was well attended and very interesting with an opportunity for questions from the crowd.
One of S`s friends was an Eileen, someone she had worked with a while back. As I listened to these three charmed individuals, I asked the question "Which book do you wish that you had written?" none of them gave an author, but they all said that there were styles and phrases that they were envious of. So, it gives the rest of us a little hope to know that even the hugely talented still have their jealousies. Heard a joke the other day,

How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?
13......1 to change it and another 12 to say, I should be up there.

I look out of the window, and my eye is irritatingly drawn to the bright red rope holding the fence up onto the tree, then I notice that D has been out with a piece of wood and nailed it from the fence to the tree "For extra support" It`s snowing, and I just know that no DIY will be done this week again, well, I suppose it gives friends and neighbours a laugh.

Ruling the Roost

After winning £250 on the union raffle and the Easter egg at work, I am imagining that my third windfall is about to arrive. It came in another form however, after fierce winds overnight, we receive a phone call from Windermere Lake officials to say that our boat has broken its moorings, they have set it on land for now. This may involve paying for a new mooring position, however, there is a one nearby which hasn`t been used for 12 months, we are allowed to use that until we get another. We are waiting to hear how much this is all going to cost. Also the front fence is in danger of falling over. D resolves this "For now" and uses rope to tie one of the fence posts to a nearby tree. We`ll see how long "For now" lasts

Chico, our new pet is surprising everyone by copying the phone ringing, he answers with Hello, then a garbled mix of human words ending in Bye. He has taken a bath in his water dish and soaked everything around him, but he`s sooooo cute. Son P and daughter in law B have stayed over the holiday from Thursday, they brought their trainers with them as they intended to go out jogging, B developed a bad cold and it began to snow so they didn`t get much past out local Jingling Gate. We were out for a meal on Friday, and she treated us to her fabulous chilli chicken dish on Saturday night. It all comes around too quickly and they return to their own home on Sunday evening. They left wearing their trainers.

We are back to the insults between D & G. G is about to leave the house, is wearing his grey cap, he looks at Chico through the bars of the cage, the bird rushes towards him.

G "Look, he thinks I`m another bird, he thinks the peak of my cap looks like another bird"
D " Yeah, he thinks you look like a bald eagle."

We laugh and Chico copies the sounds.

If this bird doesn`t pick up their insults, I`ll eat My hat.

I Believe I can Fly

We discuss the possibility of buying a bird of some description. I suggest a shop that is on Shields Road, but D informs me that there is a breeder Parrotcare in Bedlington who teaches the birds to crap in their own cages, and even when they are out flying around the house, they will return to their cage to do this. But, when I see them flying free, I think it`s cruel to cage any bird. But D thinks it will be ok to let it fly around in here. This is coming from someone who while passing through as I was watching Life of Birds, said

D "That`s a funny eye"
Y "It`s a bird laying an egg."

D threatens to cook a chilli for tea, as he always mulches the ingredients within an inch of their lives in the mixer, G says "Don`t make any for me `cos it`ll be mush" Surprisingly, it`s lovely and G samples it.

The shop at Bedlington is open at 12.00, so D leaves the house at 11.30 for a 15 minute journey, he is going to make sure that he is first there. P & B are home for the weekend and we are in the sitting room with G, who repeatedly rings his father on the mobile to check if he has bought one. D returns with a massive silver cage, two bags of food and Chico, an African Grey. The parrot is looking out at us from a kind of carrying case with a metal grid, D says that he was given this free. When I check the receipt, it was £10. The breeder has advised us to leave him in the cage for a couple of days until he gets used to our surroundings, hence, D stands in front of the cage twittering at the creature. When I draw his attention to this.
Y "Leave the bird alone for it`s sake."
D " Go and make a cup of tea for my sake."

Returning to Life of Birds, Dunnocks are featured, we have some of these little creatures in the clematis in the back garden nesting. I was amazed to learn that the female has a particular talent for mating with a chosen male, after he has left, she can expel the sperm, go on to mate with other males, and each one is under the impression that he is the father. She is thus ensured that her babies will have enough food supplied by many gullible partners who run around after her. I believe that there is a name for such a person in the human world., but with the advent of DNA testing this is becoming more difficult.

It`s not long before D & G lock horns over the parrot`s future vocabulary.

G " I`m going to teach it how to say Fat boy."
D " I`ll teach him to say Baldy boy."
Y Laughs
D " Well we all know what Chico will learn from you Y, the Windows start up tune."
Y "Ha, ha, very funny."

At first Chico is a little shy, but copies the odd clicking sound. Then as he becomes more comfortable we hear lazer, bell, alarm clock, laughing, ring tones and Hello and Come on. D rushes out to Jolleys Pet Shop and returns with a climbing contraption, 3 pieces of log joined together by rope. He enjoys scanning Wikepaedia for tips on rearing and feeding, he learns that avocados are poisonous to parrots and that there is cyanide in apple pips, well I never!!!

No Place Like Home

D is trying out his new cordless earphones, apparently Ferry Across the Mersey is playing, I don`t recognise the tune, but the words are familiar. It sounds like a cat maowing. I suggest that we go out for a run in the car.

I take my camera with me, I have a couple of addresses I want to check out against my family tree. We pass the old glass works where an uncle of mine had been a glass blower. Next, the electricity power station:-

D "When I was a kid I used to think that this was where prisoners went to the electric chair."

Bentinck Road goes by....

D "Wacky Jacky used to live up this street, can you remember him, he used to say" Is it bleeding?" I wonder why it is that the memory retains so much crap, and yet I had asked him to pick my jacket up from the cleaners and he forgot.

The Redheugh Bridge is next, the old bridge stood right next to where the Arena stands now, and it`s concrete replacement is rubbish. After more photos taken we go over the bridge, the toll house building is still there, but the old streets have long gone.

It`s quite a blustery day, we carry on to Tynemouth where D`s ancestors had lived on Percy Park, just across the road from the Priory. I have as many snaps to put with my census records so we go home.

Back home, D is watching A place in the Sun, Spain and Portugal are featured, tales of Brits who have lost their life savings on properties which the Spanish repossess because they decide to use the land for a new development. Yes, there`s alot to be said for our own country, we moan about this and that, but this kind of robbery would not happen. I am definitely one for staying where you heart is, and in the words of Gerry and the Pacemakers

"And this land`s the land I love and here I`ll stay."

Sky Arts vs Constipation Street

I`m watching a programme on Sky Arts on Dali. D is disgruntled, but I remind him that I have had to endure Constipation Street, Enemadale and The Pill, I ask him

Y "Aren`t you interested in the subconscious mind?"
D "No I`m frigging not!"
Y "Oh, I see, you`re still having trouble with your conscious mind."
The presenter explains that the piece of work he is describing is "Between a lobster and a telephone."
D "Is it f**k"
We laugh, I am well used to his Philistine tendencies. I don`t really expect him to show an interest, he doesn`t paint or draw, come to think of it, I haven`t drawn or painted anything for ages, the last effort was of a Greek man when we were on holiday in Rhodes. (Photo)

I say that I endure his programmes, but I usually work on the computer when these are showing. I know when they have finished because he generally asks me what I am doing, he`s oblivious to my pursuits when he`s otherwise engaged with soaps. He sometimes views Antiques Roadshow, where the women are genuinely interested in the history of the object and the men display an expression of "Hurry up and get on with it, I need to know how much it`s worth."
The most amusing item viewed on the show was a vase with a golden globe like lid, it turned out to be a door knob that some ancestor (Probably a man) couldn`t be arsed to put away. It`s a dead giveaway when people pretend to be posh, they always drop themselves in, it`s so not worth the bother to alter your accent. Mine is decidedly Geordie. Reminding me of a nursery that I used to work at. One little four year old informed me with a smirk on his face "Mrs Y, some people say barrth and some people say bath." I obviously slotted into the latter, little monkey.

There`s a local news item, the interviewer has taken his questions to the streets, wants to know how many people know the names of the seven deadly sins, a vicar is caught out by only remembering about 4 of them.

I`m working on the computer, checking my hot matches on Genes Reunited, I look at the clock, It`s 12.40, I have until 2.30 before I need to leave the house, leaving myself 15 minutes before to get changed out of my old jeans and T shirt and put on some slap. After many matches checked and either rejected or replied to I glance at the clock, It`s still 12.40. Then I notice that the minute hand is merrily clicking away on the spot. I dash into the next room where a clock displays 2.20, shite, if I`m to get to the book club on time I have to be at the bus stop for 3.00.
My changing routine is rapidly speeded up, and I know that I will be sitting on the bus torturing myself with "Did you turn the computer, iron off, lock the door."etc

Our first meeting at Laboca Art Cafe went very well, we discussed Unless by Carol Shields, loved this one, she`s a brilliant comic writer. B amused everyone as usual as he served us his excellent coffee. Next I went to the Lit and Phil, Jeff Price of the Poetry Vandals was reading his work from his book Doors, and we were priviledged to listen to poems from his pending book. His poems are regional and about everyday life and relationships in families, a breath of fresh air, as at some readings the poets can be really pretentious. Must find out where the Vandals meet, if the others in the group are similar kinds of writers it will be an excellent night out, then my husband can have full control of the remote for the TV, thus spending an arts free evening to himself.

Whitby Harbour

It`s been four years since we last visited Whitby, I`ve been looking through old photos. It`s a fabulous place to visit, very gothic in places, but lots of cafe`s and wonderful views from the ruin at the top.In some parts, the winding streets remind me of Cornwall. We will need to consider places nearer home for this year`s holidays, or more to the point... days out, after all of the cash we`ve paid out. But maybe there is an end in sight, I was the only member of staff from the nursery to attend the Unison AGM this week, just got there on time. On signing in everyone was given a free lottery ticket to be drawn at the end of the meeting (presumably to keep them there to the end) There were lots of interesting accounts of work done in Cuba and Columbia, theatre groups run by special needs members and the beleagured equal pay status issue. However, as soon as the finance report was to be read, about 30 people near the back beggared off. One of them must have had the winning ticket, so another ticket was picked... mine... number 525, I won £250, I`ve never won as much in my life. Husband D is cock a hoop with the win, we might even get as far as a weekend in London!!! Of course the little waster G was hovering in the background hoping for a windfall, but decided to pinch a bottle of Beck`s from the fridge while his father was otherwise engaged.

Gagging for it Granny

Watching day time TV, there`s an interview with a game old bird who has given up tupperware parties, knitting clubs etc to run a sex toys party business. She explains to the female presenter that you can tell which vibrator suits you by holding it near your nose, if you sneeze, that`s the one for you. The male presenter is doing all he can not to giggle, when she announces that it has made her nose numb. There is a photo of the old dear showing her holding a vibrator to each ear. Granny goes on to explain a game that is played at the party, Granny tells us "It`s a bit like pin the tail on the donkey." each woman draws a man (Minus willy) and has to place the paper on her head then try to draw the appendage. This breaks the ice. "You`d be surprised where they end up" says Granny. Female presenter demonstrates a pink vibrator`s shudderings on her hand "It`s on my wedding ring" she pipes up. Her colleague turns his face away from the camera, shoulders shaking, she isn`t aware of the double entendre here.

Next up are Crufts contenders. One owner is dolled up in horse and hound gear. prancing about like a ballet dancer, while her hound does a kind of doggy dressage. A Wurzel Gumidge lookalike is on next, complete with furry boots, sack cloth outfit tied up with string, she encourages her furry friend to climb across her back then run in and out of her legs to the tune of If I only had a Brain from the Wizard of Oz.

I travel by bus to town. The woman in front is reading, I scan over the page... words like....Seven dragons..Domesday and the name Olivia Butler. The man next to her has a long grey ponytail, but is quite bald at the front. The woman opposite is wearing a grey and white fleece which sports 3 full sized wolves across the back, and a young girl with a mobile to her shell like and earphones to her ipod on the other ear. We approach the Byker Wall across the bridge, pass the bingo hall next to an old church which has been converted into an advertising company. The post office hasn`t opened yet, and there is a queue for the Giro`s.

I call to the shop for the paper, there is a magazine with a free gift....build your own brain.. there is a plastic half brain and a grey moulded mass. I wonder if the lady with the dog needs a one

Castle Keep Newcastle upon Tyne

We have the best city in the world, Newcastle upon Tyne boasts excellent restaurants, night life, culture and history. Our castle keep takes some beating, the views from the top are breathtaking, and the Bridge pub opposite serves great food. The views from the pub take in the bridges over the Tyne, the Sage and quayside, they also have an outdoor area.

Male Dominated Society

We go to the pub with pals I and husband M. M asks me what book I am reading at the moment, Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi, I reply, It`s in comic strip style and gives a humorous view but also informative and shocking in parts. The author grew up in the midst of the Iran revolution. D and pal I look suitably bored,

D "Yes, what`s that all about wearing that.....?"
M "Bhurka...hijab?"
D "Yes, it looks like they`ve just stuck a paper bag over their heads, and it`s a disgrace the way they treat the women, don`t allow them their own opinions."
M "And in some cases the women are burned or killed."
I "Honour killings"
Y "Nothing new about that in our culture also, for those that have plenty of money that is. What did happen to Marilyn Monroe, and who was that girl who drowned after her car went over the bridge, Edward Kennedy was having an affair with her? And we still don`t really know what happened to Lady Di."

D is still expressing his disgust at male dominance over women. Then suddenly remembers one evening last week, he informs M that he went to bed before me. I was watching a late edition of the Book Show on Sky Arts. D stood at the top of the stairs oblivious to the fact that G was in bed alseep.

D "The bed`s not made, there are no covers or sheets on it!"
Y "They`re in the cupboard."(forgot to put new ones on when I stripped it earlier)
D " Well, I can`t do it, you`ll have to sort it out"
G "Shut up you noisy sod!"

Friend I is guffawing by now, "He can`t see the irony can he" she screeches with laughter. Laughing so hard, we glance from one to the other incredulous. D takes another sip of his lager. Friend I has to lie down on the sofa, crying and in obvious pain.

D "What`s she laughing at?"
M " D lives at 64 Afghan Drive"
We laugh again
D "Does anyone fancy a cheese toasty?"

I`ve discovered YouTube. my favourite clips are Snowball the dancing cockatoo who struts his stuff to Backstreet Boys, Bull Terrier vs Cat, shows a sly moggy get the better of a boisterous dog to the tune of Benny Hill`s chasing song and the Emmerson family in chorus with Chorpy Chorpy Cheepnis. They are all gathered together in their sitting room, the granny sits in the middle of the sofa holding a bottle with rice or something inside and uses it as a musical instrument. The main character, in typical Geordie fashion is at the head of it all "As daft as a brush" whipping them all up. Yes, It`s cheesy, but you can`t help but admire their enthusiasm, solidarity and closeness. A blast from the past when families held their own entertainment, who of us today can claim to have regular get togethers?

The family are showcased on local TV, the granny is mortified when she drops her bottle onto the floor mid interview, but main character to the rescue, he picks it up and nuts it into the air. Love the shirt by the way.

Adverts

Really looking forward to my sandwich that I have just made,I switch TV on, settle down in the armchair. There`s some woman who has set up an experiment to highlight heart problems, a disgusting demonstatation of an artiery exploding, she explains that blood will be flooding around our system when this happens. I switch channels, an insurance advert, premiums and death....you get a free Parker pen. Change again, another advert "..the bunged up feeling in your nose is not caused by snot...." then there`s the blocked ears one, an image of tan coloured goo being blitzed. Are we never safe to eat in peace? There are adverts for teenage acne,blackened toe nails, false teeth fixatives. But the clips that cause the ultimate in queaziness are of people giving blood samples, I try to look away for what I feel is a reasonable time necessary to avoid this, but it`s still on the screen. As I always pass out when giving blood you can guess that programmes like ER, Casualty and the like are off my list.

D comes in from work and G is lounging in the chair, he notices his father and starts to sing
G "Umpa Lumpa dippity doo,"
D "Cheeky Charlie, did you sign out from work today, Bt have been on the phone to see if you were er....er...er?"
G "Dead?"
D "Very Funny"
G " I did sign out, did you tell them I`d signed out?"
D "No...I told them you were dead."
G Grunts.

The Northern Rock customers have all queued up for their money back, the old clips were on Tv, it reminds me of Most Haunted, one screams and they all copy, but they don`t know why, they haven`t heard or seen anything themselves.

In the weekly free paper there are lots of advert sheets, one of them includes a wine list. "Wonderfully rich wine which shows classic cabernet blackcurrant and... (Wait for it) cigar box elements." how can a wine taste like a cigar box.
"Fruit of the chardonnay giving a .....long finish??? Then there was a Hungarian wine which was "Crisp and full with spicy flavour, we associate with the grape" Do we? I know nothing about wines, only that I prefer white to red, but these descriptions reminded me of Jilly Goolden and Ozzie Clark, she used to wax lyrical over tastes, "Oaky and fruits of the forest" but I usually detect a hint of tin and vinegar or furniture polish, so I`m more likely to hit the brandy, now that`s what I call a paint stripper.

The Easter Eggs are in the shops, but they have been since January where they were piled up on one aisle, and the sale Christmas decorations opposite. Last week in Morrisons, we were walking down the frozen foods aisle, a couple in their early thirties were discussing what to buy, as their 5 year old weilded his plastic broadsword in and out of the freezers attacking the broccoli and cauli. They were oblivious to his conquests. No doubt some poor sod would have the job of chasing peas around as part of their cleaning duties at the end of the working day.

Death of a loyal Friend

We had to let our lovely Bullseye go on Saturday, he had been booked in for the removal of his staples, but had become so weak and wasn`t eating. D & G come back distraught, G goes to his room and D begins cleaning, hoovering and polishing.

Later D is sitting on the sofa with his lap top on his knee and looking at me over the lid, occasionally with a very suspicious and furtive look on his face. I ask him if he is looking at porn, he doesn`t reply, so I ask again. When he turns the screen around within my view, its a Bull terrier rehoming site for abandoned dogs. Bullies in Need. There is Bill who`s owners have beggared off to Austarlia after having him for four years, the write up says it has left him a very sad dog. Boris nips when he becomes excited and Jake is jealous of the resident bitch at his foster home. I inform friends and relatives of this and all are in agreement that it wouldn`t be fair to a new dog, us being 56, if the dog lived 13 years as Bullseye had done, would walking and caring become too difficult? Half of me feels written off, but the other half sees the sense in this. I make it a mission to disuade him, why not just buy a budgie? But then I am sucked in, You tube has a clip Bull terrier vs Cat, which so shows the playful boisterous nature of the breed, stop it Yvonne, you are not getting one!!!!

I arrive at Laboca early and chat to B, a young couple enter the cafe, he is smartly dressed in suit and she is smartly kitted out. They are having a conversation near the till, B is waiting "Come on, stop talking about your sex life and order"
He glances out of the window "It`s the tart, and she`s with somebody else!" he sounds surprised. "Yes." I answer "It`s a friend of hers called A, I`ve never met her, but she wants to go to the book club this afternoon. As A and D sit down, A shakes my hand and says "Pleased to meet you

B "The witches of Eastwick, what are you having"
Y "Two coffees and a hot chocolate, and quick about it"
B "I`m giving up women for Lent"
Y "So that means that your not giving up anything."

I inform D and A about the loss of Bullseye. A remembers when their tabby cat was run over on the main road in front of her two daughters. They brought the animal home and held a tearful burial in the garden. Later in the afternoon, A was in the bedroom putting clothing away, turned around, and there was the cat sitting on the bed. At first she thought sh`d seen a ghost, but then asked herself the question "So who`s cat had they buried?"

We make our way to the Side Cafe on the quayside. The door displays a Closed sign, two waitresses are inside. When I gesture for one of them to Come here, she looks at me as if to say "Can`t you read?" When I inform her that our book club meets the 2nd Tuesday every month, she denies all knowledge
Y We`ve been meeting here since May last year.
W. Well, we`re closed now from 3-6 every day
Y Couldn`t someone have rang the library
W. I don`t know
K. We have other people arriving

Suitably bored, she closes the door, not even asking us in to wait for the others, so we adjourn to the Akenside pub across the road then sit near the window. Promptly a Fed brewery van parks in front of the window, we gather our coats, bags and drinks to move along the window area, get settled and it drives off. Everyone is full of hell over the cafe`s inconsiderate behaviour. I suggest we go to B`s cafe Laboca. I ring him, he usually closes at 4.00 but assures us that we are welcome until 5, he will keep the cafe open for us. Canny bairn, now that`s what I call customer relations. If the others don`t mind the odd insult here or there, we`re set for our new venue.

Now that I`ve caught up with my blog, I might just have another look at Bullies in Need.

Vet Bill

The family bull terrier, Bullseye appears to be coming out in sympathy with his owner and has had two falls, he looks terrible when D & G get in from work, so they take him to the vets. This is Tuesday evening, the vet has to be called out, £70 for this. They are told that so far it will be £270 for Bullseye having spent the night in the surgery, blood test and anti biotics. Wednesday, they recieve a phone call, the dog needs to undergo a biopsy, vet thinks the problem could be liver related, now it`s up to £550. Thursday, we all really miss the dog and are very worried that he may not make it, but the vet is working on Bullseye being able to come home on Friday evening.

Friday, my boss P informs me that D has been on the phone and will be able to pick me up, she tells me that he has confided the bill price, it has gone up, but asked her not to tell me, It`s £850. I am asked to look suitably surprised when he announces this. I am beginning to feel that the dog is not the only one who may not make it. However, when D & G bring Bullseye home at 5.30, the bill is now £1,140!!!!
When D looks at the itemised account, there is a suspicious £59, the vet explains that it is their end of month fee from customers to pay for those who default payment. D refused to pay, he didn`t wish to subsidise non payers, so it was deducted from the bill. And all this before we know the results of the biopsy!!!!

Bullseye has to go back this Saturday to have the metal staples along his stomach wound to be removed....the muzzle will need to be employed if they expect to keep their hands.

They say that disaster comes in threes, well I`m counting, firstly, my head bashing on the patio, secondly, the dog collapses, thirdly, our freezer packs in. D is intent on an American monstrosity, but this will involve removing the fitted fridge and freezer and sawing the bench off, apart from anything else, we waste too much food already. He argues that as we have had them both for 15 years, the fridge will be the next to go, and it will be ecconomical to replace them both now. I win, putting forward the aesthetics of the kitchen.

Back from Curry`s, he is going to fit the freezer himself, "It will save £50" Hah, I think barely a drop in the ocean if this is an attempt to claw back cash for the Vet`s Bill. D has the instructions on the bench, but insists on selecting a part, then holding it up in various places, "To see if it goes there" I work out that this piece needs to go onto the actual wooden door, he pah pahs the idea, but concedes that I am right. I go into the sitting room. After 2 hours, D announces that all is in place, then he drops the wire back inside the cabinet, has to take it all apart, then after another 2 hours its finished. He parboils a cauliflower, bag of carrots, turnip and brocolli, puts them in food bags and itches for them to cool down so that he can put them in the new freezer.

After all of this I need a holiday, but I am beginning to suspect that a local beach will be the nearest we get. Or maybe I could send a begging letter to the vet, any old money?

Slip Sliding Away

The patio gate which leads onto the garden has been falling to bits for months. Son G is in his usual haste to get to football practice, whips the whole thing off. D looks at it and stuffs it between two large plant pots (To use for measuring when he intends to fix it... ah hem)To keep the dog from churning up the grass, I have taken to putting the garden seat in front of the gap, however, the two males in the household don`t do this. It has been raining rather heavily, and before I let the dog out, I notice that the chair is not in its place. Rather than have muddy footprints on the kitchen floor, I rush to replace the chair, slip backwards, and crash my head on the patio. Apparently I was knocked out, D helped me into the house. When I regain consciousness, I go into the shower, come back out, get dressed, then ask why there are clothes on the floor, have I had a fall, was it in the shower? D suitably alerted that all was not well, makes a phone call. Paramedic, A & E and doctors, then a week off work.Then, during general conversation, D mentions that there was some moss in the said same place of slipping, he laughs as he informs me that he nearly did the splits last week. I tell friend D, she thinks that I should sue him.

The gate is still not fixed, but D has bought slats of wood from Wickes, not having any wood glue, he has used a tub of adhesive from my craft bag????? Well, I wonder how long that will hold. He has the four outer pieces in place, in a wobbly kind of fashion, then reaches for the part which is supposed to fit diagonally through the middle, it`s two inches short "Well, how`s that, I measured it." I suspect that he hasn`t actually used a tape measure here, maybe held it up against the old piece? The creation is placed in the garage, he notices that my camera is on the tripod, sits on the sofa, wedges it in front of himself and takes snaps of the TV. So, we have evidence of his favourite saying in action. "When in doubt, do nowt."

I make a trip to the Post Office with a parcel for a friend. Standing in the queue, two older women in anoraks, reading a newspaper (Red top) "Have you seen how many immigrants they are letting in?" "Ship them all back I say, no questions asked, don`t listen to any excuses of hardships, get the lot out." They look around at me to include me in their little conference. I ignore them, but am biting my tongue to remind them of slavery, colonisation and cheap labour, but I`m third from the front, so I don`t bother. Maybe I should have invited them around to ours for a nice cup of tea, picked by workers who get a pittance. I could direct them in via the patio?

I do agree to some extent that the immigration laws are too lax, criminals should be sent back, but lets not forget how this country has such an easy lifestyle, you reap what you sow. She is being served at the counter, friend in tow, the assistant asks her how the family are "Ok, but my husband is waiting for a hip replacement" the asistant replies "That`s not good, but never mind, when its done he`ll be full of energy and raring to go" "I hope not. " she replies "I`m used to getting out and about without him." She pops a parcel on the scales "For Australia" she says. I wonder if there would be any space for her aboard a convict ship?

New Year Resolutions

D has vowed to lose weight and walk the dog more often. G arrives back from the Metro Centre with a Boots De-Tox 5 day plan purchase. He takes the first phial with water and a tablet. Then pours himself a glass of wine???? D laughs "I can`t believe him, did you see what he just did?" Then D saunters into the kitchen and returns with a glass of wine, a chunk of chocolate log and announces that he will take the dog out tomorrow as the weather is crap.

The dog needs his front claws clipped, I offer to arrange an appointment with the vet. D & G inform me that they will do this themselves. I buy a size 10 muzzle from Jolleys for £9.99. The assistant demonstrates its use, it has a very secure fastening at the back, ideal for an English Bull Terrier.

Trusting them both, Bullseye allows them to put the muzzle on him, then he notices D coming towards him with a pair of BT wire cutters. He immediately goes spare, alternately batting them with his front legs and head butting. I make an appointment for the next day with the vet.

The three of them come back from the vets, Bullseye looking fine, the other two look as if they have been through the sausage machine. By their accounts, D held the dog in a head lock, G held the legs. Apparently, as soon as they turned the corner of the Vet`s street in the car, the dog lay on his back,all fours in the air howling. Who can blame him, it`s not as if he hasn`t been down this road before.....de-bollocked, teeth out and various lumps removed. Bullseye had encouraged every dog in the building to set up a howling session, and a little Yorkshire terrier had tried to bite the nose of an Irish Wolfhound.

As a confessed hoarder, my resolution is to have a mass clear out, I start with the magazine rack, there is something quite liberating about ripping paper and putting it into a bag, how sad is that? The shoe situation is dire, I just can`t bring myself to part with pairs that I know I`ll never wear, but I like the look of them.
Clothes are next on the list, but if the charity bag lies there long enough, you can be sure that I`ll retrieve half of it. Ah well, I wonder if there`s any of that chocolate log left.

Bulk Mail

I am fed up with the amount of spam I am receiving lately.They target the easily led, people who don`t read things properly and the usual Viagra,advertising 40% off for perverts, National Bank, for people who may actually have an account with this bank, then open it in error.

Some recent titles were:-

Sender Subject
P Brimm Wankotsu
Wesley Lockhart ElmoFuckstickExtensive
magda durst Make your T python hu and ha
marra pruitt fashion trends in accessories

Is everybody on the make? Last week I was rushing through town passing a fruit seller barrow boy, he was talking to a customer. The fruit was banked up in columns in a cantilever position. I noticed a woman, touching the tangerines with one hand while holding a finger to her mouth, feining decision making. When the lad looked away, she rolled an orange up her sleeve. When I mentioned this to his fellow assistant she answered in a world weary way " That doesn`t surprise me, he caught a man with a bunch of grapes inside his coat last week." The imagery of this is scary.

At this time of year, the shops are crowded, especially food emporiums. Try to advise my husband that we are only buying all of this stuff to satisfy the advertisers, why do we need it all when the shops are open again so soon? But he loves the whole hyperventilating rush, panic for a trolley, supermarket sweep experience. Again, I turn the corner aisle of one well known shop to witness a man stuffing a packet of pasta up his jumper. When I mention this to husband, he says "He might not have much money." Yeah, that`s why the rest of us have to pay more.

Well, that`s me off the soap box, now to settle down with my nice PAID FOR cup of tea and a slice of cake.

Jewish Jacket Potato

Pal D and I arrive at Art Cafe to the usual friendly greeting "Hi wrinklies." A rather refined lady is sat in the corner of the room on her own, she is looking at the menu. B approaches and she orders a jacket potato.

We admire the new paintings on the cafe` walls, we particularly like the oil paintings of apples. B confides that he had suggested buying one to his partner who said "I`ve already got one old fruit at home, I don`t want one on my walls."

He tells us that he had been to a wedding last Saturday, but had to go straight from work, he said "I smelled like a chip, I nearly asked if anyone had a bun for a chip butty." He turned to the lady in the corner,
B "Oh, I see you haven`t eaten the skin?"
L "No, I never eat the skin."
B "Right then, next time I`ll make you a Jewish jacket potato."

D is talking about her recent trip to Italy where the handbags are designer and very expensive. She was looking at an alligator bag
D "It was gorgeous, alligator, but it looked as if it had been botoxed."
B "I wonder if it was botoxed before or after it was dead"
D "Uh, how horrible"
B "Otherwise it may not have been a snappy bargain"

We laugh, and so does he at his own joke. I don`t know what this lady is thinking, all this talk of skin in one form or another. We resume our chat about boozing and occasions when we have been tipsy to pissed.

I tell D about my hubby`s night out with the fellas from work, they were at the Old George, he didn`t get home until 1.30am. I was watching Billy Elliot on T.V. when he got back. He sat down on the chair, put his glasses on, promptly fell asleep,slid down the chair, the specs lodged sideways over the bridge of his nose, then one of the arms went up his nose, not a pretty sight. I couldn`t resist taking a photo of him. Next day when he looked at it he said "I really did have a skin full."

Call the Fashion Police

D and I are watching Trinny and Susannah dressing the nation. They are working on a new coding system for body types, know your type they advise. So...which type are you....my husband is all ears, they explain that some men have a beer belly or have a broad neck or broad shoulders or man boobs or short legs. D listens to this and comments "Well what category am I... I have all of those?" to which darling son looks at me..I know what is coming "Try fat bastard size" then laughs. Then we are into the baldy jokes and fat jokes. As G and D both work for BT, G says "The lads at work were surprised that you are my Dad, they said you look nothing like the old man...and I said Thank f*** for that."

The girls move up north and visit a slate mine, they need to enter a tunnel to find the men, Trinny is more worried about having to wear a fleece.

Son G goes upstairs, fetches a T shirt which he has recently purchased, and asks me to take it up on my sewing machine. It looks fine for length to me and I tell him so. D puts his two penworth in "It`ll be too short" G sneers back "The day I take fashion advice from you, I`ll shoot myself!"

Botox-ily Bootiful

Have watched a programme on Haute Couture Fashion, Ivana Trump was there. Karl Lagerfeld , like Max Wall in his customary black, cling fit pants and Hobbit huge boots, pony tailed grey hair and botoxed lips. The high collar on his shirt not only hid his wrinkly neck, but it looked as if it was holding his neck up.

We were informed that Lacroix would hire a jet to transport three dresses to New York. Club members are on a continual diet, if they are able to get into a dress that the model wore at the show, they get it for that price, but if it has to be made in a bigger size, they pay the full haute couture whack.

Judith, a middle aged club member flounces in front of the mirror in a very girly, (and I mean strictly for the poker thin, young skin brigade) black and white dress with huge lacy white sleeves, gypsy style. She doesn`t want to wear "Something that half of America is wearing"
She insists that haute couture is a collectable form of art, an investment, people don`t think anything of buying a painting, just as much goes into clothing.Oh, really, then I wonder if this phrase might come in handy when I`m trying to drag my husband into Next or Haute Cu Matalan.

Rusty mechanisms

G is in his room watching Borat for the umpteenth time, his girlfriend is on holiday with relatives. D has read in the newspaper that WD40 can be used on arthritic joints, apparently the Americans have used it for years....so..that makes it ok then!!!! He returns from the local hardware store, places it on the bench and rushes upstairs to wash his dodgy knee. I pick up the tin, it reads For use on metal hinges, stops squeaks, loosens rusted parts and frees sticky mechanisms....I wonder if it will work on his wallet. Son P tries it on a sore finger, after about half an hour "Hell, this UB 40 stinks, and its not making any difference, I`m going to wash it off" The three of them put together wouldn`t make a good un.

D is full of vigour, and suitably loosened, decides to water the plants with the hose. I ask him to leave the hose out as we have had a number of cats peeing in our garden. I switch on the radio and learn that a new satelite navigation toothbrush is on the market for £150. it supposedly directs the brusher to places that need more attention, the presenters have asked folk to make suggestions of other sat nav uses. A young man rings in, what about directions in wiping your arse, they think this is really funny and ask him how old he is, 21. Then a stream of young women with ideas ranging from how to apply eyebrow pencil, nail varnish, for men to detect the toilet seat, aiming into the bowl, not the floor, and many calls for a sat nav to detect the G-spot etc. G and D need one when working in the kitchen "When you burn the toast and scrape it into the sink...please find the sponge...2 feet in front of you, tap to the left... left ahead.....now turn on the tap... and CLEAN UP after your bloody self!!!!

D has returned from the garden and is watching Robbie Coltrane in the Lake District, then Robbie visits Sunderland where he sees an old fella with a listed pigeon cree., then on to the spooky Chillingham Castle where he will stay the night, near the ghost of "The Mad Tormenter, Mr Sage, the torturer, maybe if those Scottish prisoners had a tin of WD40 with them, the pain might not have been so bad?

A Hollow Place

I am eating a piece of cheese and bite into something crunchy, it turns out to be half of a tooth, one of my own. I`m pleased in one sense that some factory worker with a grudge against their employee hasn`t been at work, but fed up by one more sign of decrepitude. An appointment at the dentist is needed.

I am sitting in the dentists chair, complete with plastic bib and dribble, when my mobile sounds from the depths of my handbag. It`s friend D "Where are you?" "Would you believe in the dentists chair." I arrange to meet her at Laboca Art Cafe later. The dentist tells me that this is her first job since qualifying, I am relieved to learn that my treatment doesn`t require an injection, just a patch up. I am still expecting the drill to start whirring at any moment, but she simply applies the cement stuff, does the tooth not need to be surfaced first....no....never mind?

On the way, by bus, I get chatting to an old fella, very stubbly, he`s wearing a thick grey overcoat and a wooly hat, it`s quite warm. He tells me that he had been an inmate of a borstal when he was young and the staff used to put them in stocks, trapped by their hands then beat them. We muse that they would be hauled into the courts nowadays, but he is adamant that it didn`t do him any harm and that some of the kids now need that kind of treatment. He cracks a joke, "When a lived in Newcastle when a was a kid, wi cud arl speak Italian....we used to shout Ma am ear"

As usual D is late, I chat with cafe owner B. He is holding a sale of Lizzie Rowe`s drawings and work on a Sunday soon and there will be food and drinks, this sounds like it could be something to mark in the diary. When I tell him where I`ve been he quips "Oh, so you`ve had your cavity filled.......you mean you`ve had an oral" we laugh, B is looking out of the window and sees D approaching up the ramp, he shouts "Here she comes, the blond tart, Raquel de Spare Part." We laugh again, when she walks in, she looks from one to the other "Have you two been laughing at me?" he answers "She called you Lilo Lil." Bloody liar.

I take the opportunity to give out leaflets to B`s customers for a coming event at East End Library, a talk on the life and work of Jack Common, there are photos of the Heaton area he was brought up in from the early 1900s. I have asked for a half day to go, but still don`t know if that will be possible. I sit back down and make sure that I do not bite the chocolate in case my filling comes out, but this is exactly what it does. So I have to travel back then wait around for a slot.

There are two elderly nuns in the waiting room with an old woman in a wheelchair, another woman with them who is in charge of pushing, they are saying God bless you alot to the assistants and nurses. They have a mini bus outside and they all pile in with the wheelchair. Come and join us, come and join us.... reminds me of an Enid Blyton trip.....I wonder if they have biscuits and lashings and lashings of ginger beer.

Rolling Chicken

I meet friend D for a coffee at our usual place, Laboca Art Cafe, B greets us with one of his polite phrases"Hello slappers" we tell him to hurry up and serve coffee. He is using his lap top, so we look at his photos showing his partner, they were staying with B`s brother in law who is on the rich list. We are mad jealous of the massive swimming pool and fabulous rooms and furniture (Back to the rabbit hutch)

D and I share our mundane information of our week, I tell her that I had intended to plant some forget me nots in my Dad`s urn (Which I keep in the garden) but I can`t remember where I have put them. I tell her about my bus journey. I accompanied a friend of mine, Irene, we sat together, in front of us we observed a harrassed woman, submerged in food carrier bags, she is so flushed she reminds me of a clockwork doll, while behind us is a friend of I`s mother. We chat to mother`s friend, then notice the woman in front is struggling with her bags to the front of the bus. Irene looks down at her own feet and there is a carrier bag there, "Excuse me" she cries, you`ve forgotten one of your bags." she runs to the front and gives the shopper the bag. We watch as the poor woman hauls herself along he path. We continue our three way conversation until it is time for I`s mother`s friend to get off at her stop, she exclaims "Where is my barbeque chicken?" Whoops.

I have to leave early as I have an appointment for a blood test at the doctors, not an experience that I can stomach, as I generally pass out. Strange, that I can suffer injections to my upper arm, leg and even rump, but find it excrutiatingly sick making when subjected to blood taking, it doesn`t even hurt, but the idea of a vein being punctured does my head in. For this debilitation, I blame my mother, when I was around five years old I have a vivid memory of the return of mother dear from her blood test at the doctors. She took great delight in speaking of "The Doctor said that`s a nice juicy vein." And how she passed out onto the floor and was "Brought around." by smelling salts.

D has been to her static caravan in Cumbria at the weekend and began a converstaion with a fellow camper, a born again Christain, who will sing at church about the holy lamb of god, and then eat them with mint sauce. I am not religious, but still feel guilty eating meat, cute pigs, the beautiful brown eyes of cows and cheeky proud chickens, but I don`t delude myself that "God" put them here for us to eat, I feel guilty about eating a fellow creature, but I am honest and enjoy the taste. This woman was telling D that she was in haste to prepare for her candlelit supper, but she preferred to call them gadabout suppers as they were charging from van to van, then laughed at her own "Joke?"

The nurse takes the needle and phial from the sterile packaging, I am aware of this happening while trying to focus on ....cracks in the ceiling, posters, mindless chatter about the weather... anything to take my mind away from the impending doom of the needle. It doesn`t work, and I hear myself saying "I`m going to put my head between my knees now." She knows the drill. I am left in the room while she beetles around the building , then let myself out making sure that I close the door behind me. I then proceed to the hairdressers. Please don`t ask me where I`ve been, or I`ll pass out again at the thought of it!!!! I pick up a Hello magazine to divert my train of thought, Jordan is shown naked, heavily pregnant, pouting and curled around Peter, who is dressed like Sammy Davis Jnr...white shirt, loosened dicky bow tie and black waistcoat.

I leave to catch the bus home and make sure that I don`t put any of my bags on the floor.

"Not waving but Drowning"

At last the boat is removed to Lake Windermere. D and I decide to make a trip there on Monday, as we are both off work. Relying on a map drawn by G we are forced to ferret around asking numerous people, most of which turn out to be visitors like ourselves.

As we have no dinghy, we borrow the little boat Bonito, of which G`s fellow seafarer friend has said that we could borrow when he is not using it. We find it, among others propped up by a bar stool. We roll it down to the secluded jetty, and it slips effortlessly into the water. D gives me the rope, I am to walk along the boarded ramp and tie it to the pole, as I have no idea how to tie a knot which is secure but can easily be shaken loose, I simply hold onto it. D climbs in, then asks me to follow suit, which I do, very aware that I could fall into the drink.

I sit down, water is rushing in apace, and D is using a sawn off milk carton to bale out the water when I notice that the bungs are out (Maybe this is why Gs friend has it on an angle, to let the water drain out when it rains!!!!) D hurriedly replaces them, then bales out the rest of the water. He pulls, and pulls and pulls............. but the outboard motor refuses to kick in, meanwhile we are veering towards some bushes, and have to duck to see what we are doing. I have an uneasy feeling that I don`t trust this person. After using the oar to push himself away from the foliage, D tries again.....I am bored to the point of murder.....He decides to row.

All is calm, until we notice a kind of pleasure cruiser is heading bang in our direction, luckily D knows that "You always go starboard, so that you avoid eachother." However, when it passes there`s a hell of a buffetting going on.

I am relaxed once more as we navigate around Bell Island. D is very red in the face.(G has assured us "You can`t miss it) There are scores upon scores of white boats with blue on, an odd red one. We notice one of them is named "Don`t Panic" I can just imagine the scenario back home "Did you enjoy your trip to the boat?" "Yes." "Did you sleep on the boat?" "No, because we couldn`t bloody well find it!" After much weaving about, we find it.

We have the same old palaver, lining up the little boat alongside (What G likes to call the tender) I jump aboard first and am busily tying the rope to a hook, as I turn, I notice that D is stretched to capacity, feet in the little boat, hands in white knuckle position and eyes like organ stops. I reach for the side and pull him back in. Maybe I should have left him, it may have added 3 inches to his height. When he regains his composure, he throws a carrier bag over the side, it holds sandwiches, pop and crisps. He clambers over and stands on the bag, on my cheese and onion crisps.

I am starting to suspect that everything we are doing is more by good luck than good management. My nerves are shot to hell. D puts the kettle on for a coffee, I am so paranoid by now that I don`t trust him to do that....."What if he hasn`t checked the gas stove properly/ where is the fire extinguisher/ We have to get back around the lake yet" etc I imagine some little man on the shore saying to Petunia "There`s someone waving from a little sailing dingy" D comments that "It would be better if we had someone with us who knew what they were doing." I reply "Yes, instead of two of us who don`t" We laugh, more out of desperation that anything else.

After Much binding in the Marsh, we decide to row back to the harbour and have a look around the shops, maybe have a little lunch. More confidently this time, we unhook the "Tender" and begin our journey back, after some time, D remembers that he hasn`t taken the bungs out of the boat. We go back, I have the job of scrambling aboard. We notice another couple lounging on a much larger boat, I bet they are having a good laugh at us.

After we replace the Bonito back on his bar stool, we walk up a little lane and around the corner towards the harbour. As we sit on the front with our ice cream, we can`t help but notice, rather sheepishly, that our "Secluded" mooring was in full view of everyone. Well, If they`re laughing at us they are leaving someone else alone.
Land lubbers ahoy...but at the same time we are quite proud of ourselves, we have learned quite alot from "Throwing ourselves in at the deep end."

Broadband Hearing Aids

I go to town to meet friend D, we meet at 10.30 at Laboca Art Cafe. I, as usual am on time. B enquires "Where`s Lily Savage?" I reply "Oh, she`ll be late as usual." He asks "Was that your husband you were with last time, I hope he didn`t take offence when I told him to bugger off, I was rushed off my feet." (Of course not, that`s why we come here.)

D arrives with her photos from LA and I have brought mine of Devon. She tells me of one of the guests at her hotel, he loved to tell everyone how much he spends on his big car, house, boat and everything else he possesses. She couldn`t help noticing his massive hearing aids. "He could just about pick up Broadband on them." We agreed that if he had so much money, then he should buy a set of digital hearing aids, then he may pick up Sky TV.

On my way home on the bus, an old dear boards hurriedly to be out of the rain. She is around 70ish and is wearing a very large white mac with a huge hood. It reminds me of the anthrax scare in America. Where is all of this rain coming from, we are reading of flooding in places which are otherwise not bothered by this problem. I expect rain in April, but not in flaming June. If I could get my hands on the little sod in the desert who is performing a rain dance, he would need a hearing aid after I`ve finished boxing his ears.

Gone with the Wind

All of our neighbours are friendly and would do anything for anyone...except one couple, E & G, who have alienated themselves on many occasions with ourselves and others on the block. E likes to sit on the front lawn wearing her yellow flowered print dress which she arranges in a complete circle around herself. She talks on her mobile phone, she enjoys flicking her hair back as she laughs loudly (like an extra from Gone with the Wind) She thinks that she is the most beautiful thing on the planet.

Husband G likes to dye his hair and excercises, he also likes the rest of us to know that he does, by keeping his home gym in the garage and leaving the up and over door open for everyone to see him and his manliness. He likes to sing songs loudly e.g. (Don`t it make your brown eyes blue), while in the kitchen. G also likes neighbours to hear what he has to say on his mobile phone, so he conducts his "high powered" insurance man speak in the garden whenever possible.

They now own a very grand, hollywood style rabbit hutch. They are in their fifties and have no children at home.

Three weeks ago they had dark bumpy style paving stones placed, by contractors, to cover all of their back garden. The workmen were called back after a week of torrential rain. One might assume the work to be faulty, paving stones lifting etc, but no.... E & G have decided that the wrong colour stones have been put down. Methinks that it would take a little less that three weeks to discover this. There are light pink and sandstone arrangements in place now, with some buckets, bags of sand, spades and bollards which have been stacked up against their back door. E was remonstating with the workmen "I am not a happy bunny, and my rabbit has been stressed!"....."If I fall on this path I could sue your boss!!!" I couldn`t help thinking that paving stones are not exactly rabbit friendly, so it`s debateable which will stress the creature more.

E was hosting a girly party at home and could be heard redirecting various women to "Just go around the front." When one of the women stepped into the garden from the kitchen, E could be heard encouraging the rabbit in a squeaky voice "Come on then, say Hello to C" ........C obliges...
"Oooooh aren`t you a lovely colour?"
Well I do declare...........What was I saying about Gone with the Wind?

Do it Yourself

We go to B & Q, D needs some bolts, he asks me to go with him, I agree if he promises that he will seek out the bolts, then leave. When we get there, he star

ts to look at hose attachments, monopolises a young assistant for 15 minutes describing how he wants two connections...blah...blah...blah. When the yo

ung man takes his leave I state that I am bored stiff. D reminds me that he had to trawl around graveyards while on holiday. Up and down the aisles, internal doors, drills, cork mats and various galvanised items later, I begin to hum Olivers Army....and I would rather be anywhere else than here today. Meanwhile, D is just about having an orgasm as we pass the hedge trimmers, alternatively, I would rather be boiled in oil or poked in the eye with a big stick.

The car radio is on as we travel on to town, an item on how Harry will not be allowed to go to war in Iraq. The Muslims say they won`t kill him, just cut off his ears. D comments "They should send Charles then, his ears could do with a bit of a trim."

After a little retail thereapy, we go to Laboca, it`s packed, B is serving and running around like a blue arsed fly. We order cheese toasties, coffee and a diet coke (The coke for D) D drinks his coke off in one, then asks B for another "Bugger off, I`m busy." then he brings the drink immediately, laughing as he does so.

We move on, passing Greys monument, the usual complainers are out in force.... and the Christians, the happy clappers. The Army has a recruitment stand and as they try to entice the disaffected youth of the city, an old dear, around 70ish is busily skittering around in front of the soldiers giving out leaflets Troops out of Iraq Don`t Attack Iran. She glares at the lads while sucking her teeth in a very aggitated fashion, the boys in berets are oblivious, flexing their muscles looking hard.

Coming out of TJ Hughes, one of the bars on the corner of the Bigg Market is packed to the rafters, there`s a football match on widescreen t.v. Four Scottish persons look in on the drinkers, one of them a scrawny looking individual, Mohican peroxide blonde haircut with brown roots, who looks pissed already at 2.00 in the afternoon, shouts out in a broad Scottish twang "That`s a faggots bar." Two Geordies laugh at him nudging eachother, obviously don`t think he`s any challenge. What he will find out if he talks like that in the evening in the Bigg Market, is that even the so called "Faggots" can pack a punch in this town. Life is hard, and I dare say he will have learned his lesson by now. Hold on a minute...till I fetch a leaflet from the army... there`s a nice young Scottish lad who wants to join up!!!!!

Pugwash Ahoy!!!

G has bought a 17ft boat, he has left it to his father to buy the paint, sand the bloody thing and finely tune the 3 outboard motors which came with it. He has also bought a dinghy to get to it when it is moored. He has applied for a mooring place by letter to Lake Windermere (The only time he has lifted a finger to help) So, at the moment, The Ipanema, is standing loftily at the top of our garden perched on a trailer. They continually climb aboard and "test" the motor. Why is it that anything with a switch, handle,pulley or motor, men will click, roar,drag and rev like there`s no tomorrow?

G has conveniently left for Krakow on a Stag party trip, amazingly has not asked me to pack for him... he`d know better. D is annoyed because he has taken our toiletries with him.



D had a day off as he was rostered in for Saturday, he decided to spend time sanding. He put on goggles and a face mask then used the electric sander. After a while, he went into the back street to open the garage door. J and J two sons of T and J were outside, they began laughing at D, he didn`t know why. He came into the house to look in the mirror, he had taken off the mask and goggles and was covered in black paint, he looked like a panda where the mask and goggles had been.



G comes in from work, and I can`t resist humming the tune to Blue Peter "Ha Ha very funny" he says. I find an old book called Pugwash and the New Ship, how apt. I show G and he replies, "That`s a gay book isn`t it?" I had no idea, apparently the crew were called Master Bates and Seaman Staines etc. Well you learn something every day.



D and I have just returned from a holiday in Devon, I, of course was on my family history trail. I had contacted C.P. of the Stokenham History group to see if she could help me to get back one more generation before my visit. She put me in touch with a man in the Midlands, P.L who amazingly has turned out to be a second cousin. Fortunately he has gone back to 1540 with our ancestors, so needless to say I am thrilled. There are three vicars, mariners and thatchers among them, what a mix.



We called to the village where most of my ancestors came from, the people were very friendly, and lots of them mentioned a local eccentric E.W. in his eighties and very knowledgeable of the local area and on who is married to who, and who should have married whoever, plus local history. One of them had seen him just a few days ago, and saw him chopping branches from roadside trees for his fire. All descriptions of him ended with comments such as "He`s a real eccentric" "You`ll have to set aside at least two hours." "He never gets a bus anywhere, he just roams around here." "There`s no harm in him." etc. Just the man, I enquired where he lived, and couldn`t help but notice the wide eyed expressions. "Oh you`ll find it at the top of the hill, but its covered in bushes and creepers."



D parked the car and commented that he would not be calling in, he`d be next door where they were selling plants. I meandered through the rambling bushes towards a huge detached building, very and grey imposing, but it hadn`t been looked after for a long while. I looked into the porch and a collection of work benches and tools lay in there. No reply, I could hear a radio and an upstairs standard lamp was on. Nobody around at the back either, but through the window I could see lots of sepia photos on a fireplace shelf, I wondered who all of those people were. No reply at the back. I looked down to a deeply sloping garden, a fridge lay on its side at the bottom, no doubt had outlived its usefulness and been launched out of the back door. I was really gutted that I didn`t get to meet the old fella, maybe next year, but he`s no spring chicken and neither am I,(more like an old rooster).



Dartmouth and Totnes are worth a visit, but I wasn`t very impressed with Paignton, a bit run down. All of the villages near where we stayed in West Buckland were beautiful, I can see why people retire there, thatched cottages, peace and quiet. Some of the young holidaymakers are keen on T shirts with slogans, I have always secretly admired folk who sport controversial comments on clothing. Favourites such as Another Day Another Diet. Live long enough to be a Problem to your Children. A Woman`s Work is never done So Why Bother. But I totally draw the line to see I caught crabs at Dartmouth. But one absolutely horrific one was worn by a baby of around 8 months of age, it was black in colour with silver print which read The Condom Ripped.



Went to the care home to see father in law, I took him a flask of oxtail soup and some bread and butter, its his favourite. One of the residents did off with a piece of bread, then left it on the table. Staff were trying to get B into the bathroom, she was being prepared for a hospital visit. They finally got her into the bathroom, locked the door, and she began screaming "Let me out.....help" Another resident on the other side was pulling frantically at the door handle shouting "For F*** sake."



I am sitting near the patio door, a pair of blackbirds have made a nest in the Clematis, they are back and forwards carrying worms wrapped around their beaks. That reminds me, haven`t eaten anything yet, I fancy a cheese sandwich. Has this not put you off food I hear you ask, well no, because I work in a nursery and have to sit eating my dinner while the baby room staff talk about nappies, textures and sick. Just thought I`d share that with you.

T.V.

D is annoyed because I have the T.V. controls and am watching customary programme on the Victorians, I am listening to an account of how they employed de-buggers to sort out the problem of infested wooden beds, when they adopt metal ones, the problem ceased, therefore the de-bugger would be jobless. Next I watch A picture of Britain, David Dimbleby speaks of the first travel guide book for the lakes, every traveller made sure that they had a copy when they visited, D sarcastically remarks "In case they needed toilet paper.....I hate these kinds of programmes with a vengeance"

When youngest son P was a kid and interested in making models with clay, he discovered Fimo, made an image of his father holding the TV controls in one hand and a Kit Kat in the other. He also made a model of his brother, G, also in customary pose displaying an offensive gesture. (Photo)

The news is on next Andy and Oliver go for a smoking break 1 hour a day, 5 times a week, the government are considering giving people time off work to kick the habit, why can`t they use their lunch break if they want to smoke......well, can I make a suggestion..I need time off to kick my chocolate habit and I also need therapy for shoe buying. Or how would it work for sex addicts, would they be allowed home for a quick shag. Oh, and while they are at it, therapists could be set up in the pubs

I am enjoying a programme on the Edwardians, there is a section on two men Barr and Stroud, an old sepia photo shows them sitting in deck chairs. They were interested in optical illusions, the person without the T.V. controls quips again "And they are both wearing jam jar bottoms." (large lensed glasses) I give up and hand the controls over to him, Fat Man`s Warning is on, I shuffle through to turn on the computer, check my e mails for Genes or Ancestry messages and wonder if there are still any De-Buggers out there, I have a very large one on my sofa.